Deal With The Disappointment.

I realize that my posts seem to vary in nature.. I suppose that's because I have a wide range of emotions I tend to go through. I don't want to portray myself as the type of person that is mentally unstable... but sometimes it looks more and more like I might be just a tad bit off-kilter at times. I have found that most times... if I blog in the morning, I tend to be somewhat more pessimistic.  I think that's because I have just been dreaming.. and for the most part.. my dreams are not happy in nature.  I don't mean they're horrible dreams.. I just don't tend to ever wake up in a very happy mood. It seems as though my past keeps trying to catch up with me and I keep sticking my fingers in my ears and humming very loudly. I choose not to have people in my life anymore.. because they have chosen to take a path away from mine... and I don't care to have the constant reminder of my past failures staring me in the face on a daily basis... so I would rather forget.  If a person actually considers themselves as my friend... they will understand this and not try to open old wounds...  I know I am a decent place right now.. and for the moment, I am not hitting any lows... but I am taking precautions to keep myself at this level... part of that is a separation from the online world of deceit and games that I no longer wish to be a part.  No... I don't want to join any new site... no.. I don't want to go back to one of my previous sites... even though it has only been 5 months.. I know I will feel this same way in 5 years... I am not foolish enough to not be able to learn from my mistakes.  I got the message loud and clear.... and for that matter.. relationships are closed to me.. no one will change that mode of thought.. not in a few months.. not in a few years.  Some people may think this is because I am bitter.. maybe I am somewhat bitter.. but that isn't a factor in my decision.  I have learned to control my animalistic urges... it has been over 2 months since I have even masturbated... and really.. I don't miss it at all.  I once thought I was controlled by an addiction that I couldn't control. I have summoned the willpower to pull myself away from those thoughts.. and now.. I know without a doubt... I can go as long as I want without giving in.  I'm not even tempted anymore. ...it's not a religious decision.. it's not a physical decision.. I abstain.. only because.. when I start thinking along those lines... I feel my resolve weaken a little bit... and it only takes one slip to go back into that mode of thinking.  I had my last relationship when I was dead set against any relationships.. but I let someone slip past my defenses and that ended up causing me as much pain as I knew it would before the whole thing started.  So... no one gets that part of me anymore... the best I will ever offer is friendship.. and any step over that line.. will be met with a hostile rejection. I don't have time for anyone in my life with an ulterior motive.  I will not be a part of any agenda.  Once a person crosses that line.. a relationship is almost certain to a doomed, bitter end hurting everyone involved.  I cannot live that way... and I will not ever put myself through that again.  I am trying to be as honest as I can be.. and hope that people will understand.. I like where I am now.. I can live here just for me.. if someone needs something from me...get ready to deal with the disappointment.

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