All Grown Up.

It's very quiet here today.. my daughters headed out early with my spouse for the "Santa store" at my youngest daughter's school.  I am certain she doesn't still believe in Santa.. but I think she is going along with it... so she can get the presents and the whole Christmas effect.  I sometimes wish I was that innocent again.  I suppose the older you get.. the more experience a person gets in the disappointments of life.  I will always be honest with her..  She asked me if Santa exists.. and I explained that Christmas is a time of giving.. and Santa was the representation of the giving of gifts... so.. it's more.. "magical" than anything else... I also said that whether you wanted to believe in Santa or not.. was up to you.. but when you stop believing.. you lose a little bit of what Christmas means. I think that this is an honest answer.. even if it is only my opinion. So... I think she's going to hold on to her childhood dreams for just a little while longer.   I ... on the other hand.. have given up on dreams.. I've abandoned all my naive thoughts for a more realistic outlook on life. It's nice to wish.. but I don't have hope for anything beyond what is probable.  I may get surprised a little along the way... but I don't plan on letting much get a jump on me.. good or bad.   I've had too many surprises in my life.. and for the most part.. they are more negative than positive.  I like my pessimistic point of view... I've grown accustomed to it. I dread my daughters having to learn all this crap on their own.. but I will be there to support them as they find out how cruel life can be sometimes.  ...Don't get me wrong.. I am not upset.. just more disappointed than anything else.  My disappointment is possibly of my own doing.... I could blame other people for my frustrations.. but I won't. I let myself get sucked into each circumstance that resulted in another hurtful experience. I wasted much of my emotional.. and financial resources on dreams trying to make fantasies a reality when all along I should have kept my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds.  I have been hurt.. and I have hurt others along the way.  There is a lot I wish hadn't happened.. but I'm thankful for every lesson I've learned.  I know how to believe in myself.. and what I know to be real... I'm all grown up.

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