That's Just The Way It Is.

You know... even as bad a shape as I get in now occasionally.. I am still in much better shape mentally and emotionally than I was years ago.. I let my happiness rest on other people for far too long... and pathetically hoped for something better... I couldn't sleep at night.. I'd try to blame other people for my sadness. ...I looked for things in other places.. and even believed in things I knew deep down... could possibly end... and eventually did.  I was looking for the happy ever after. I spent too much time enjoying the moments I was in... so much.. that I was thinking that was the future.  I should have known better... and I went through the emotional anguish when I found out that my line of thinking wasn't shared.  I think we're all a bit emotionally invested in the people we let into our lives.. it just happens.. even if we don't look for it to.  I have always been the type of person to try to support people.. sometimes even when they didn't need it.  I suppose that maybe I can be too intrusive to some.  ...that's just the way I am.  I have learned that I can only stand responsible for me.  I don't wish any hardships on anyone, but sometimes you see things coming.. and it takes a bastard to say... "I told you so."  ...well, as I've said before.. sometimes I am a bastard.  If someone chooses a path where I've tried to warn them.. time and again... don't come looking to me for sympathy... look in the dictionary.. it's between "shit" and "syphilis".  I remain steadfast in my ideology about people.. and about how they are.  We all lie... that's human nature.  Some of us just hide it better than others.  I don't purposefully lie to hurt people.. but that's not justification.  I don't enjoy seeing people hurting.. or in pain.  I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime.. and I may never get over it... but that's okay.. I have learned to live with it.. even to the point that I am hoping others never have to share in it.  I wish life could be so much better for others.. not that I'm trying to play the martyr.  I just don't seek out the positive things, anymore.  There are many people that still believe in the happy ending...  As for myself, I just want things to keep from being totally screwed up. I have used people.. I have hurt others.. and I have deceived people I consider my friends... this is by no means a confession.. but I understand what I've done.  There is really no justification for any of it.. no matter what I were to say.. or try to explain it.  I live with who I am.. and the only way I can show my regret.. is to try to keep from doing the same stupid mistakes over and over again.  I stay away from the online relationships... and only believe in friendships.. has part of me thought about travelling down the same path?  ...of course.. but luckily, these are just temporary thoughts.. that I can put aside with just a small amount of logical thought.  I don't have any agenda... not even for myself.  I like to try to plan a bit for the future.. but even that is something I'm just waiting to unfold. I know who I am.. more than ever before.. and I know what I'm capable of... I won't give any of myself away.. but will hold on to what is left... I will need it to finish off the life I have left.  It's so much safer to rely on myself than to place trust in other people... yes.. this might seem all "boo hoo.. poor me" ...but in reality.. it's about how I feel I have the strength to support myself.. and I don't need someone else to provide my happiness.  I have traveled my path alone before.. and plan on traveling it alone for awhile... If I have friends that want to spend time with me.. that's fine.. but to be honest.. I'm not that much of a friend... I don't seek out others... I just wait until I cross paths with people... and realize that the paths may or may not diverge into another direction... and I don't really care how positive.. or negative it sounds... that's just way it is..