Under my Hat

I have a wedding to attend.. I wonder if I can stop it if I really try hard ...LOL.  No.. next Friday night, my oldest niece is getting married... I hope it turns out much better for her than for most people I've run across.  So why is everyone so gung-ho on getting married... what makes us feel like that's what we should have striven for?  I for one have mixed feelings.. I love my daughters and if I hadn't married.. I would never have had them.. at least not like they are now.. but in another sense.. I feel a bit selfish.. I want some me time in my life.. I've always felt I've lived my life for other people.. I know I've visited this concept in a past blog.. I was just sort of feeling it more lately.  I love doing things for other people.. don't get me wrong.. but I hate to feel forced into it.. I like the idea of being able to do what I want.. for who I want.. and when I want.. maybe I AM a control freak.. I don't care if I am or not.. I just hate havi...

So.. it's my birthday... but it's just like any other day.. I know there's no more difference between today and yesterday.. than yesterday and the day before... or any other two days of my life.. still it's a reminder of how we are getting a bit older.. and that time is catching up with us.  We all are just here on this earth for a little while... but sometimes I wonder how I'll be remembered.. or even if I will be remembered... not that it makes much difference.. but it's nice to be thought of every now and again.  I spent today working.. then come home.. sat in my room.. and will wait until bedtime comes.. and do it all over again.  I did have one of the most peculiar things happen to me today... I had just pulled up in my car to work this morning.. and was sitting with my elbow on the car window.. suddenly a wren flew up and landed by my elbow and pecked it. scared the flying flip out of me.. not that I'm scared of birds or anything.. but to be taken by s...

I think people are like the beanboozled jelly beans you can buy at the candy store in the mall.. two flavors look exactly alike.. one good.. one horrible..  I bought a few of these boxes for my students and they had a field day with them.. the brown ones.. the best and worst of the bunch.... either chocolate pudding... or canned dog food.. and believe me.. the canned dog food is enough to make most people wretch.. the point I'm getting at.. is that on the surface.. people can appear to be as normal as anyone else.. it's when you start going deeper.. actually bite into the jellybean itself.. when you find out what you've got..  some of them aren't so bad either way... like banana/pencil shavings ...not that pencil shavings are all that great.. but everyone has their own tastes... the blue.. berry or toothpaste.. another one not so bad.. but the red.. uggghh.. strawberry jam or centipede...  well.. I don't know who was the taste tester for these.. but I'm pretty s...

Monday morning.. off from work as it is a holiday.. I dread today... going to visit with my Dad... going by my Mom's grave... I was told that is a morbid custom.. and in a way it is.. but today is supposed to be a day of remembrance... I remember my mom a lot.. as I do many people in my life that are no longer in it.. Sometimes I get to thinking about what happens to someone after they die.. my upbringing suggests that they sleep indefinitely until they will awaken on judgement day... I would hate the thought of anyone walking around as spirits.. looking at what I'm doing at random times 24/7... to me.. that would be the same as having a camera installed that hovered over me...  I know that people who have passed on probably don't judge...but it's not even  about that... I don't care if the people in my life judge me... I have gotten used to that.. and I hold myself to my own standards... it's how I make it from day to day.  I am trying to be more productive in ...

So I can't sleep.. tried but got back up... I read a popular book today..  "50 Shades of Grey" ...that had me go through a whole range of emotions.. yes.. it was very erotic in places.. and I could even see where some people might get into the BDSM lifestyle.. but then they sorta screwed it all up by making the main guy somewhat mentally unstable.. okay.. we all have our issues.. and we have our ideas of what sex is supposed to be about... I will even admit that experimental sex would be very hot.. even being controlled.. and controlling is erotic... some playful spanking might be okay.. I'm not sure how much beyond that.. My thoughts are fairly open minded... my outlook is any type of relationship between two people shouldn't be a contract.. it should be about two people who want to explore together... a shared control... otherwise it becomes objectifies the entire experience.. and it shouldn't be that way.. it should be about passion.. the activities in the ...

Excuse me...   I'm sorry..  It's not my fault..  I didn't mean to... We all come up with words to express ourselves after things don't turn out as we plan... but people will use the same lines over and over again.. and think that just because they say that.. that it is all okay.  Words don't change our actions.. words are cheap.. we can come up with as many words to say why we did or didn't do something.. but the fact remains that we did.. or didn't do it.. and we will probably repeat the same actions.  There tends to be a focus on ...well.. I didn't know that was going to happen.. or.. I didn't plan on this.. tough... we need to all build in a bit more of a buffer to allow for a few things to go wrong.  I have worked for awhile to either create buffers in my life.. or refrain from some activities altogether.  I really have very little sympathy for anyone anymore.. because people choose to be the way they are.. I don't like excuses.. I don'...

I still continue to blog.. just because I want to... I spent today doing food commodities again.. passing out food to the elderly low income people... I enjoy that.. plus it gives my students a chance to get off center... so I think they enjoy it too.  I have a 3 day weekend coming up... and I sort of dread it.  I'm catching up on my stuff at work.. but I still have a ways to go..  My dad called to ask if I was going by my mom's grave this weekend... and I really didn't know.. it just all hit me hard again.. for no reason... I just would like to forget some of the bad experiences I've had every now and again.. but I can't when there are constant reminders.. I don't want to be mean... but at this point, I'm just not strong enough to take on much more... I know that I seem like a crabby ass when I interact with certain people.. but to be honest.. maybe I am.  I just haven't been able to find anything to make me happy anymore.. and I've tried.. sort of,...

I think we all tend to run away from our problems instead of facing them head on.. whether it be the conditions of our lives.. or at least our perception of that condition... or maybe we're all just cowards at heart.. in any case.. we do other things to occupy our time instead of meeting the challenges head-on. I blog... I play games... but none of this does anything to solve any problems.. it just helps me displace the problem ...or put it off until a later time.. so things build.. and build.. and build.. until we get to the point where we aren't able to displace things anymore.. or there is nowhere left to run to.  We either have to do something about it.. or crack up...  I sometimes dislike the fact that I care so much.. when I try not to.. not about anything in particular.. but just about everything... I shouldn't.. there are so many things that are beyond my control.. and have nothing to do with me... but I've always been that way.  It would be so much easier to sa...

I dreamed I opened a restaurant.. I love to cook.. I just know I'm not good enough to make a lot of money at it.. it's more like a hobby.. just experimenting with food.  I've chosen my career path though.. and I love it.. even though I have to work with imbeciles sometimes.. and assholes..  but the students make it worth it.. for the most part.  I sometimes wonder what it would be like to just completely change everything in my life though.. including my occupation.  Is it just me.. or does everyone's life become stagnant after awhile?  We determine that we want something else.. but is it just phases we go through?  I thought this for a long time.. that's why I never acted on it.. but I realize now.. after years and years.. that it's not just a phase. I am concerned over a lot of things.. but I don't seem to know how to word them.. I think my biggest concern is that I won't ever be satisfied with life.. I don't really need to be happy.. but I would l...

I'm tired of limbo.. I'd like to take that limbo stick and shove it up someone's ass.. but then that could be construed as me having sex.. just with a limbo stick as a dildo.. I've seen some almost that big.. and no.. I have no intention of ever getting one...   I had a long day today... lost 2 1/2 hours worth of work this morning because I forgot to hit "save"  yeah... I know.. I'm a computer tech.. I should know better.. well.. I screwed up.. will be awhile before I make that mistake again.. if I ever do..  There was a visit today from the home office.. I still don't know what was discussed as I'm not that far up on the totem pole.. but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough.  I am looking forward to a change of any sort at this point.  I have so much work piling up on me... I sometimes think I'll never get it all done.  ...but it's okay.. I'll adjust.. and do what I can do.. and the rest of it.. can just go suck an egg...   I am ...

So... Dad wants me to drive 100 miles... to go to a gun show.. and when we get there.. we find out it's 50 miles further south.. so we finally arrive.. and because they want to charge $20 admission fee that Dad didn't know about .. he decides he isn't going to pay that.. just to look at some guns.. so we eat dinner and drive back home... he has more than enough money... it's not even a money issue.. "It's the principle..."  ...I really wanna drive my head into a brick wall sometimes... but that would just damage bricks and give me a headache.. I know I have a hard head.. but it's pretty evident where I get it from... I hope tomorrow is a bit better... I have some computer work to do tomorrow afternoon.. so there will be a bit of my day occupied... but the rest of it is gonna be spent here.. in front of my computer.. I so need to get a life...   My daughter is having a friend over for the weekend... and they are having fun.... she needs that social in...

I sometimes start a blog thinking I'm going to end up with something profound.. but in all actuality, most of what I end up blogging about is just common sense stuff.  I think everyone wants their "15 minutes of fame" ...maybe to last a bit longer... but I've always just enjoyed touching as many lives as I can.. and hopefully I'll be able to live on through what differences I make in the world.  I don't have to be rich... I don't have to be handsome..  but I have the outlook that I'm an awesome person... for myself.. If anyone will look at themselves in an objective way, they will find there are some great qualities... concentrate on those qualities to put your best foot forward.  I think maybe I spend too much time dwelling on the negative.. and not nearly enough time on the positive.  So.. I'm working on that.  There doesn't have to be a reason we do anything.. I think I get too caught up on that.. logic.. and all that stuff.. Sure.. I will s...

I'm a... I'm a... I'm a.. I'm a.... broken record...   It seems that I talk about the same topics of discussion over and over again.. there really is more than this that goes through my mind. I am just not able to get past some of it.. and try to do so by revisiting it over and over agai n. I think once my "stuck" situation changes.. then I will have the ability to get past some of it.  I suppose part of the reason for the way I blog is the fact that I go into instructor mode.... where I'm trying to get my point across.. so I repeat things.  I will sneak in a little material from time to time.. but in reading through some of the stuff in my head, it seems old and stale now. I think that part of it is that I might be living in my fantasy world... and thinking if I work it out.. then all will be okay.  It doesn't matter if I can make sense out of my past.  Some things in life just happen for no reason other than to try to make us a stronger person.  I ...

I think a lot of time we set ourselves up for disappointment.. because we have an idea of the way things are supposed to go... and when it doesn't go that way.. we abandon everything and refuse to adjust to our environment.  Everyone feels like they are reasonable people.. and that they are easy to get along with... but in reality.. most of us are not very flexible.. and we refuse to keep an open mind.  It's only when two people who have the same outlook get together.. that things are good..  and no amount of compromise or adjusting will matter when two people have to live their lives in compromise.  This is what happened in my marriage.. and with a few relationships.. It seems as though there was always something that caused a major conflict in the interaction... but we look at that and say.. it's close enough.. I will settle..  well.. no one should have to 'settle" for anything.. we spend our lives in constant improvement.. and if a person can see a better way...

So I can sleep late now.. the kids are out of school.. I set my alarm for 6 am... but for some reason.. I'm still up before 5... It might take my body a little while to get used to it.... but I'll adjust.. I always do.  That's been my mantra over the years... "I'll adjust"  ....well.. at some point I am going to get sick and tired of adjusting.  Let other people adjust.. It's time for me to step out and do what I want to do.  I quit playing world of warcraft for a bit... I'll still play a little.. but not nearly as much as I did.. I tried to focus on other things.. facebook games.. something.. I don't know what yet.. but I need a hobby that keeps me more active.  I took 5 students to  Louisville yesterday to A+ test... and all 5 passed.. so that went well.. but I had several hours to drive.. and just think about things... Sometimes I'm not to keen on driving as when my mind has nothing much to do, I think too much. I thought about so many possi...

It's sort of sad how one mistake can have so many repercussions in our lives.. I said long ago that I'm not a perfect person.. I make more than my share of mistakes.. and have been wrong countless times... and I know I'll make more mistakes as I keep living. A lot of times we really have no clue what we're doing when we make decisions to do or say things... but we go ahead and do or say them anyway.  In any case, we have to learn from our mistakes.. and not do them again. I think the biggest problem with the lives of most people.. is they don't have a balance....and maybe stupid mistakes are made trying to achieve that balance.. I for one have let one idea or another dominate my life for a very long time.. and it seems like I am always off kilter. Maybe I should become a Buddhist and try to work toward becoming a zen master.. the idea of perfect harmony in our lives.. yeah... right.. My life will almost certainly never have a complete balance.. but it's still so...

Tomorrow is Mother's Day... I have already started thinking about it.. as a matter of fact.. I've thought a little about it for a week or two.. just trying not to let it get me down.. My mother was a very wonderful woman.. and I'm not saying that just because she was my mom.. I know I've said this before.. but I'll say it all again.. I never heard her speak badly about anyone.. I've never heard her use inappropriate language in front of me.. and she was always the type of person to do what she could for whoever she could.. I sometimes can't believe she's gone.. and I know more people in the world than just me have lost their mom.. but I think losing a parent is different for everyone.. not saying it's easier for anyone.. just different.. I sorta think about that when I tolerate the things my dad does.. although he really makes me want to slap him sometimes.. because he doesn't think clearly in his actions.. I know that at any time.. he could go.....

Have you ever woken up and realized that things are a certain way... and you feel to blame.. even if you don't know what went wrong in your life.. it's just not where you expected it to head... well.. welcome to my life.  I have made many mistakes in my life.. and I will probably make many more. The big thing is.. I've not found a time machine yet.. and it's unlikely that I will.. so no going back to change any of my screw-ups.. I  say and do things on a constant basis that I feel like saying or feel like doing.. and I won't apologize for any of it.. unless I feel what was said was misconstrued.. or if I really was off base.. For the most part.. things are a certain way.. and not much is going to change that. Sometimes we blurt out something that is completely out of character.. but then we have to deal with the consequences of what we say, because that becomes a part of who we are.  I don't have a plan in my life right now.. and I keep talking about my "li...

I don't think I'm all that hard of a person to get to know.. as I try to be friends with anyone who approaches me.. the problem doesn't exist with me being open about myself.. but in getting to know someone else enough to be comfortable with them.. or at least trusting them.. I'm very particular who I let very close to me.. in that regard, as I've been shown in my past that people aren't always the most trustworthy of creatures.  I think that most people who spend much time with me at all.. will develop an idea of who I am... very quickly.. and it's those people that will either stay in my life.. or decide they don't want any part of me.. I try to be me.. whether that's what people want or not... it's who I am.. it's just that many times people think they can change that.. or maybe they aren't inclined to believe what's going on around them.. I don't know.. but to be honest.. it's not my problem.. I wanted for so long to think...

I revisited some of my early posts.. and one I ran across was.. "What Is A Friend" ...that still makes me wonder... I mean.. how do we choose our friends?  ...are we so starved for companionship that we just accept whoever comes down the line.. I always give anyone the chance to be a friend.. as I also give all relationships a chance.. but I have to re-evaluate my life from time to time.. as we all seem to do.. I have never wanted people in my life that don't want to be there.. I think sometimes people are just stuck in situations and choose to settle for friendship or companionship without really thinking it through.  It's okay for people to have a difference of opinion.. and still remain friends.. but at what point does it cease to become a symbiotic relationship and becomes a parasitic one instead... It's all well and good until we let people in our lives who are starving for any attention.. and they settle for us.. I have tried to not be a drain on the lives a...

Still.. a waiting game.. don't know when what is happening with work.. but it's very possible I won't know until the last minute.. there are so many rumors that abound..  I think that's a major problem in all aspects of life... most people aren't completely open, and therefore the communication is not there.  People are then left to draw upon their logical ideas to complete the scenario.. This creates gossip.  I would love to see everyone in the universe to have the outlook I do... where there is no reason to hide behind falsehoods.. or pretend that things are one way.. when they're actually something totally different.  Most people are so used to liars and storytellers that they are skeptical when they run into someone who tells them the truth.  I will admit.. I'm the same way to an extent.... at least much more now than I used to be... but I'm trying to give people the benefit of the doubt when they come to me with one story or another. I don't cho...

Went to an awards night at my oldest daughter's school last night.. it was mainly for scholarships for the senior class... but there were awards given to students in the other grades with the highest average in the subjects given... my daughter won the Pre-algebra award... I told her that I was proud of her.. I was a math wizard in school myself.. so I think she gets that from me.. my spouse rode in the back seat of the car with her.. as she always does.. either she just doesn't like sitting next to me.. or she knows I'm not comfortable sitting next to her anymore... anyway.. it came.. and went.. and I think it was a good thing for me to be there to support my daughter.. I do love her very, very much.  I enjoyed being out for a bit in the evening.. even if a bit of it was spent driving.  I will look for more opportunities to go out... if only local..sometimes it's just difficult to make the time.. but.. no one says anything in life is easy.. especially those things that...

So...  I'm feeling better.. it seems that all it takes is a pep talk sometimes and I can get a second wind... I know life isn't as bad as all of that.. it just hammers away at times and makes me wonder how bad it is going to get... but I always know life will get better at some point.. and things will be right with the world again.. Up until a few years ago.. I was probably the most jovial guy you'd ever want to meet.. I love to laugh and make other people smile.. the problem was that person has take quite a bit since then... and it's difficult sometimes to remember who that person is. I dislike the fact that my experiences put me in a dark place.. but truth be told, I am the one that let people into my life that would discard me later.. and that was a mistake.  I know I'm still a strong person.. I would have to be in order to try to think positively after everything. So I haven't made good choices in life.. does that mean I need to wallow in self-pity?  All tha...

I got to reading through my previous week's blogs.. and it sort of sounds like I'm now mentally unstable... it's not that I am on my last nerve or anything.. nor am I close to cracking... I just get frustrated sometimes by all the crap that life dishes out... and at times it just doesn't seem to stop.  It's been  awhile since I've been in a great place, but I will always pull myself out if it.. because somewhere.. sometime... things have to get a little better.  I think that most of us feel the pressures of life when we're hit with as much extra stuff as I've went through... Part of my recent escapade into the world of "my life is crap".. stemmed from my trip to Nashville.. I had a normal  or at least semi-normal evening.. even though I worked all day at gathering documentation and driving...when the evening came.. I sat down face to face with two people.. and we ate together.. we went shopping together... drove 10 minutes back home and my life...

Sometimes I just want to give up so badly.. but what would I give up?  I'm never going to consider suicide.. and anything else I do.. is just going to make things more difficult...so I continue going... and will do so until I just can't anymore. I am a better person than this.. I thought I deserved better.. but evidently someone or something, somewhere doesn't.  I keep being told that all of this will pass.. and I know it will.. but then more bullshit will come.. and pile on top of everything.  and it will continue to accumulate. Sometimes I wonder what's next.. it just seems like the plot of our lives keep unfolding as we live them.. and to be honest... mine is turning into a horror story. I think sometimes about how I kept envisioning my life as being different.  I miss the face to face interaction with people on more than a teacher-student level.  I don't have that in my life. I have a few co-workers.. but they are in different buildings and I see them in pas...

Ask and ye shall receive.. I was just waiting for the next punch.. and fate didn't disappoint me.. it seems as though my hospital bill that I was told would be covered by my insurance.. with a supposable deductible of $250 will end up costing me over $1000... so far.. I called them beforehand to make certain the insurance would cover it.. and was told it would.. I guess most everyone can lie if they take the notion to.. I can pay it.. I will have to.. but it just adds to everything else.. and it just keeps coming.  I don't care anymore.. I'm ready for anything.. life.. hit me with your best shot.. I can take it.

Friday morning... the end of another week.. one more down.. and no telling how many more to go.. until what?  ...I have lost sight of what I'm working toward.. Part of me just wants to crawl back into bed and stay there for as long as I can.. I get very little enjoyment out of life now.. and still continue to just exist. I feel like I am developing a depressive attitude, but I think it's more than that... I think that part of me doesn't want to be so stifled. I used to be a witty, funny guy.. a person with deep feelings and very passionate outlook... on life and with people.  I am not that person anymore.. At first I thought maybe I've just buried this person deep inside.. and maybe I did.. but he's so far locked away now that I won't ever let that part of me out again.  I am certain of this.  I feel a little sad that it has to be this way.. but I don't have the capacity to be any other way, anymore.  I need to face this fact... I am not looking forward to ...

Early in the morning and I'm up... literally.. I stopped my the liquor store yesterday and bought a few things.. I only drank a smirnoff ice .. pineapple flavor of course.. sipped on it before I went to bed while I watch tv online.. didn't have any erotic dreams or suggestive thoughts.. but lo and behold... this morning I awoke with an erection.. sorta strange since I really have no reason to have one anymore.. maybe it was the alcohol that got my blood to flowing or something.. but I've determined one thing.. the circumcision definitely made a difference my previous problem is gone.. and I have a new penis.. I don't really need one.. but it's there.  I don't intend on drinking regularly.. but I have a little bit on supply for the next overstressed moment of my life..  I don't see how I haven't given up when I look at things sometimes.. but I'm not the type to give up on things.. that's the main reason I am so aggravated by my marriage... but I g...

So.. I've been off my diet and back to eating food for the last day or so.. probably won't last.. at least I know my main issue with my feeling so horrible isn't my lack of food. I feel as miserable now as I ever have.. I've had a decent two days ..or day and a half.. in Nashville.. now it's over and I'm back in my cave at home.  I really enjoyed lunch yesterday.. and had a good time last night eating mexican food with my uncle and his wife.. but I sometimes feel like a third wheel in a group of 3.. it's like I sometimes feel I don't fit in anywhere in my life right now.  I have had the last two days off work.. and had to deal with the Kentucky IRS crap I posted in an earlier post.. After waiting in line after line.. after line.. I finally got enough documentation that should be acceptable to prove I was there until August.  It has just been a trying two days.. and I'm glad that I was able to escape my life for just a little while.. just hate coming ...