I Intend On Using It.

Still.. a waiting game.. don't know when what is happening with work.. but it's very possible I won't know until the last minute.. there are so many rumors that abound..  I think that's a major problem in all aspects of life... most people aren't completely open, and therefore the communication is not there.  People are then left to draw upon their logical ideas to complete the scenario.. This creates gossip.  I would love to see everyone in the universe to have the outlook I do... where there is no reason to hide behind falsehoods.. or pretend that things are one way.. when they're actually something totally different.  Most people are so used to liars and storytellers that they are skeptical when they run into someone who tells them the truth.  I will admit.. I'm the same way to an extent.... at least much more now than I used to be... but I'm trying to give people the benefit of the doubt when they come to me with one story or another. I don't choose to believe a whole lot on faith.. because my faith has been chiseled away by my various experiences.  ...and I'm not even talking online.. I'm talking about life experiences... yes.. the online interaction has compounded the issue in my head, but over the course of my life.. I would estimate that the number of people I've met that I knew I could trust.. compared to the number of people I knew I couldn't trust... well.. let's just say the number of trustful souls is a very small percentage. It's sad really.. because I've always been taught that your word is part of your integrity.. and that is something that no one can take from you. I've wanted to believe what anyone tells me... but then I'm reminded of Gomer Pyle.. "Fool me once.. shame on you..  fool me twice... shame on me" I suppose with that outlook, I should be able to try to trust people more... Humans are so flibbertygibbet.. changing their minds and attitudes at the drop of a hat... I am glad I'm not one of them... Seriously though.. I have found that most people don't have a clue what they  truly want in their life.. People speak of being happy.. and sure.. things will make someone happy for a little while.. then they get tired of that... or want something different to make them happy... That's why it's difficult to count on a whole lot. Most will come up with some bright idea that keeps them in a good place for a moment..  then abandon it once it gets difficult or takes effort.. If I felt that way.. I would have only been married for a few years at most.. I've never been one to toss aside people who didn't toss me aside first.. I have probably done my share of harm to other people without even knowing it over the years... but I am almost certain I've taken much, much more than I've given. I can think back 20 years ago.. how naive I was... but I was also happy.. jovial.. I could make almost anyone smile... and I smiled myself.. a lot.  But life and time have taken their toll on me.. and no.. I'm not talking about the magazines.. I try to maintain a semblance of who I was.. and try to keep in a similar mindframe overall, but as I said before, we are shaped by our experiences... and a huge portion of my experiences have turned out negative in the long run..

So... what can I do.. who can I be.. I can only be myself.  I know there are people who would like to see me different.. and I myself would like to find a part of the person I've lost.. Is he still in there somewhere?.. I really don't have a clue at this point.. all I can do is keep on the lookout for him and do what I can to resuscitate that person when I find him.  People will say things to me on a daily basis.. and sometimes it's things I would love to believe.. other times it's things I really don't feel to be true. I don't want to live my life in darkness... but I'm okay with being a little cautious at just blindly believing what I'm told.  I have brain.. I intend on using it.