There's No Point.

Friday morning... the end of another week.. one more down.. and no telling how many more to go.. until what?  ...I have lost sight of what I'm working toward.. Part of me just wants to crawl back into bed and stay there for as long as I can.. I get very little enjoyment out of life now.. and still continue to just exist. I feel like I am developing a depressive attitude, but I think it's more than that... I think that part of me doesn't want to be so stifled. I used to be a witty, funny guy.. a person with deep feelings and very passionate outlook... on life and with people.  I am not that person anymore.. At first I thought maybe I've just buried this person deep inside.. and maybe I did.. but he's so far locked away now that I won't ever let that part of me out again.  I am certain of this.  I feel a little sad that it has to be this way.. but I don't have the capacity to be any other way, anymore.  I need to face this fact... I am not looking forward to the weekend.. I'm not looking forward to next week.. or next month.. or even next year... I've remained in my shell for so long.. it's hardened and brittle.. cracking it open now will just allow what I've pieced together to become lost in all the bullshit my world is filled with.  I bring part of that on myself, I realize that.. but I have forgotten how to enjoy the simple things... probably because everything in my life seems so complicated.  I go through the motions of doing the things I do every day.. just because it's expected of me.. I don't even want to log on to my World of Warcraft... I've been off from it for a bit now.. and to be honest.. part of me doesn't care if I ever go back to it.. it's just something that at the end of the day.. doesn't matter.. I waste a good portion of my life pretending that I'm working toward something there.. and in the big picture.. I could just as easily been reading.. or studying.. or something that might help me in the future.. but World of Warcraft is just something to fill my time.. to make my life pass until I can get.. where?  That's just it.. I don't care where my life goes anymore... If I did.. I would be taking an active part in it. I just try to avoid the scenarios that bring more discomfort into it.. I do the things I have to do.. and make it to another day.  There really isn't a joy in living.. no.. I'm never considering death an option... but the negatives in my life far outweigh the positives.. I won't invite more pain and misery into my life.. but I can't shut it out.. and any moments I cherished are gone.. I am strong enough to endure.. to keep on picking up each foot and moving forward.. If I haven't broken by now.. I'm not going to.. but I don't see any purpose other than to support my daughters.. I have taken on that responsibility by having them.  I will continue to be there when they need me.. but I won't take on anything else.  There's no point.

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