Trusting In Anything Or Anyone To Be Certain... Is Foolish.

So I can sleep late now.. the kids are out of school.. I set my alarm for 6 am... but for some reason.. I'm still up before 5... It might take my body a little while to get used to it.... but I'll adjust.. I always do.  That's been my mantra over the years... "I'll adjust"  ....well.. at some point I am going to get sick and tired of adjusting.  Let other people adjust.. It's time for me to step out and do what I want to do.  I quit playing world of warcraft for a bit... I'll still play a little.. but not nearly as much as I did.. I tried to focus on other things.. facebook games.. something.. I don't know what yet.. but I need a hobby that keeps me more active.  I took 5 students to  Louisville yesterday to A+ test... and all 5 passed.. so that went well.. but I had several hours to drive.. and just think about things... Sometimes I'm not to keen on driving as when my mind has nothing much to do, I think too much. I thought about so many possibilities... it makes me a little sad sometimes.. because I still feel so trapped.  I know there is an end coming soon.. and that makes me feel a bit better.. but I'm at the point now where I don't care if I step out into the unknown.. the worst thing that can happen to me... I lose my job.. I'm unable to pay my bills.. and I'm thrown in jail.. of course I don't want that.. but, hey... I might end up having sex again... I really didn't have that type of sex in mind though... oh.. by the way... yes.. the surgery has healed... and now I find myself with an issue of stiffness on a more regular basis.. I think that's because of the new sensation of not having a foreskin... so external forces seem to stimulate me more... I am pretty certain that isn't a good thing... as there is not one person in my life that I can see myself with in that fashion... as everyone seems to be put in my friend zone.. I blogged about that once before. It's this place in my mind.. where I tend to put people that I just don't feel right about having sex with... I've discovered that once you're put in my friend zone... no matter how I try to pull a person out.. it won't happen.  I think that's why it's so easy to work around a couple of people at work.. even people I've chatted with.. have gone there very quickly at times.. sometimes.. not so quickly... but it seems everyone eventually ends up there...    I was contacted yesterday morning by an old online friend.. and she is one of the sweetest people I've ever met... she was in a verbally abusive marriage.. and in online abusive relationships.. but now she is remarried and doing wonderfully...  and I'm very happy for her.. She was quickly moved to my friend zone.. and has been nothing but supportive to me over the years.. even if we only chat every few months.. I have so many other people like that in my life... that will contact me... either fairly frequently.... or infrequently.. and they are people I would never consider anything sexual with.. not that they aren't pretty.. or good people... but my mind won't let me even consider possibilities...

I think that a lot of us are in... or have been in abusive relationships.. maybe not physically.. but verbally.. psychologically, or emotionally abusive.  I can't really give any advice other than what I can give for myself.. if you're in that type of relationship.. get out of it.. as soon as you can... all you're going to do is make things hard on yourself.. and they get harder and harder.. I will change my situation.. as soon as it is feasible.. but I have said that so often now.. I feel like a broken record.. I hold on to that hope that change is coming soon.  ...but what then?...  I don't really care what happens after that..  I have discovered that sometimes... it's just best to be alone... but I'm almost never alone.. not really.. there are people out there that chat with me.. it's just not the same as being face-to-face with someone.. I sometimes like the idea of going away by myself.. and not answering to anyone or anything.. for just a little while... my Nashville trip was like that.. and  it put me in a funk... yes.. I had to get things done.... but I was in charge of where I wanted to go.. and what I wanted to do next.. I've lost control in my life.... as I feel I'm constantly watched or monitored.  I don't like that feeling... I just want to be able to live my own life... as there really isn't anyone I want to share it with.. The past is the past.. and there is only one time I can think of where I would have given up the complete independence.. and shared with someone else... but that trust was broken so abruptly.. it changed me.. it takes a devastating life event to change someone that dramatically, but it happened.. and I changed.  I no longer trust completely.. and I don't feel that I will... and no amount  of saying... you can trust if you try.. will change that.. it doesn't matter what else happens in my life.. that's one thing I will always remember.. nothing is certain... and trusting in anything or anyone to be certain.. is foolish.