It's all about motivation..

I'm fat...  well.. larger than I need to be.. that's one thing the doctor says... he wants me to lose about 20 pounds.. I've gained about that much in the last 6 months... What with my elevated blood sugar.. and medical history.. I'm a walking time bomb... so.. I am going to lose the 20 pounds.. I might even lose more than that.  I need to find the motivation to do it.  I am supposed to have the labwork done for several things.. it would have been nice to know that.. so that I could have fasted beforehand... and got it out of the way.  so.. there is a weight watchers group at work that I might end up joining.. they're trying to get staff and students involved. Part of me just wants to say screw it... I'm gonna die anyway..  but what if I don't die quickly.. what if I have to suffer physically for a long time.. combined with my mental state.. I don't know if I could handle that.  sooo..... I'll lose the weight.. or at least try...  I know I need to be more positive than what I am.. I might end up seeking counselling.. I was driving yesterday on the road.. and I heard the song.. Ice, Ice, Baby.. of all songs.. and I lost it... I know it's a corny song.. but it was a reminder of broken promises.. I can't continue like this every day... I know that..

My dad is spending a lot of time at the cemetery.  I know he needs to get his grieving out.. but he can now tell you who is buried where within 1000 feet in every direction of my mom's grave. He is dying.. much more quickly now... there's not a lot I can do.. and to be perfectly honest.. I understand why he wants to go... who am I to say that he should continue living.. just because we want him to... he has lost all purpose in life.. and right now.. nothing I'm going to say is going to change that.   I hope he can find a reason to live.. but if he doesn't.. I understand. I just hope he finds the peace that seems to elude us all these days. I have to see a specialist this Friday about an issue that popped up yesterday... we'll see how that goes.  It means another day off work.. or at least half a day.  I am going to try to follow the doctor's instructions.. and do what I'm supposed to do... but it will be difficult... it's all about motivation.

Comments

  1. AilujaMarch 10, 2012 at 2:07 PM

    That second paragraph is the most poignant thing you have written in the whole blog.

    ReplyDelete

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