That's the scary part.

Another restless night's sleep... I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up.. and things are going to be different... I guess I'm in my rut again.  I still have the same attitude toward life and people.. I still find it difficult to trust anyone.. but I am tired of looking at the same 4 walls day in and day out... I'm so uncertain about what I want to accomplish now.  I need to talk with my spouse about her job hunt.. but I don't think it's going to happen. I have noticed that she is rearranging some of the furniture.. I suppose she wants a change too.. I figured up yesterday.. that if I maintain my current level of work.. that I'll get over 100 hours of overtime a month. Today is Feb. 1... another month has gone by.. and still no change in the pain.. ...is it because I dwell on it here?  ...or is it all the daily reminders I see.. I just need for it to be gone.. I really don't want to live with the sadness... not meaning that I'd rather be dead.. just that I need to figure out a way to lift the burden of my heart.. I don't really know how to do that though.. I am not even sure anymore why I really cared in the first place.. that's the sad part.. I am able to numb myself that level.. but I can't take away the hole that is left..  I am still keeping myself busy... I am going to be taking my Academic Olympic trip to Philadelphia in April.. and I think Vegas is first of August... there will be another trip the last of August.. and possibly another one if the US Forest Service decides to have an academic olympic program on top of the Labor one. ...so I will get out to travel for work.. I still want to go on my cruise.. but that is probably just a pipe dream.. much like a lot of the things I'd like to do.. I know that often there are times where we would like things to be a certain way.. and they're not.. I just have so little motivation to change them.  I can't find the drive to be able to overcome the low point my life has become.  I would love to be in a different place.. but I lack the determination to move. I feel like such a slug. I can see positive things in so many people around me.. I want them all to be happy.. I just gave up thinking I am going to have anything to do with the happiness of my friends.. I just allow myself to interact with people.. and let them choose their own path.. those people that  can stand being a part of it all.. are welcome to sit in my dark corner of the world with me.. but don't look for me to turn a light on.. it will continue to be dark here..  I had someone say that I will hurt a friend eventually.. and I believe that person to be right.. that's part of the reason for feeling so down.. but we all disappoint people.. why should I be any different. I'm not really. I continue to tell the truth about my feelings.. my situations... my thoughts.. I can't help how people choose to believe in the fairy tale happy ending.. I hope everyone gets a fairy tale ending.. and can be happy.. but I am not sure I even want it.. if I thought it could happen to me. I'm so tired of being right about people.. about situations.. about things.. I do believe in God.. and I know that he helps me through the most difficult times.. but I think that a lot of this I brought upon myself... and I just have to deal with it now. we all see things with blinders.. not taking into account what we say affects so many other people... I wish I could solve the problems of my friends.. I wish I could make their life a little better.. but I've come to the realization.. that people really don't change all that much.. they just peel back layers of themselves.. expose more.. if a person is a certain way.. they'll generally always be that way.  There's not much to fix... that's the scary part.