Under my Hat

I have the feeling that things are not always as they seem. We all put on faces to suit our situation... we are this way.. for this person.. we are that way for that person.. There should be no reasons for that.. people should be proud of who they are.. and let people either like them.. or not.  I have "friends" ...who want me to be this way.. or that way... I'm supposed to "heal"... I not supposed to get involved when my name is brought into things.. I don't care what people think I'm supposed to do ....or not do.. I am me.. simple as that.... I have spent a lot of time trying to support my friends.. some of which will throw all that away... because I'm not the way they want me to be now.  That is the way it'll have to be.. I've already said.. that I will not pretend to be something I'm not. If someone doesn't like who I am... or how I interact.. then... they don't have to spend time around me. I am going to be ok... I may not be...

I spent the day in Nashville yesterday... took students there to test.. I came home and was somewhat tired... but more emotionally drained than anything. I have concerned myself with too much drama recently. I like reading and posting on the forum I attend.. but other than that... I am not certain how much time I will spend there. It has become almost like poison.. causing me to be less and less trusting.. Making it much harder to believe anything.  I was accused of trying to drama.. because some things about me were being talked about... so...  if I want to address that.. it's starting drama... to me.. the person who is talking about me to other people is the one starting drama. but some people have the narrow perception to only realize what they want to... I feel sorry for people like that.. because they'll never truly get it... they live in their own little world and will say whatever they want.. thinking that it's ok... and think nothing of it. It wouldn't bother me...

Due to circumstances beyond my control.. I am putting my life on hold until I stop getting lied to by some of my friends... If I did that.. I may be on hold for awhile... but I keep getting false stories from my friends about things.. It seems that several of my friends.. are telling me things.. that they aren't exactly telling other people.. and it questions my trust for them... right now.. I'm getting sucked into a little online drama in my life.. and I can't help but want to take a step back.. and just chill for a bit. At this point.. I just need to be aware that people will continue to lie.. even those I thought were my good friends... I don't know how many people I actually can trust in my life at the moment.. so.. I'm trying to sort it all out in my head.  Sometimes it seems as though the longer I'm online.. the more and more cynical I get.. and I can't get much more cynical.. it's almost depressing now.  I am just not feeling the blog this morni...

AAAAAAggggghhhhhh!!  ...Seems like I want to say that a lot lately.  I can't take much more lies and deceit... if someone wants to be a part of my life.. I will have to say one thing... don't tell me something.. and then ask me to lie about it.. I just realized I did the same thing to one of my friends.. and I am sorry for that.. I might not be thought of as the most trustworthy person now.. but I will try to remain the most honest. I've maintained in a previous blog... If you say something about one of my friends... I'm not going to keep it from that friend... so just don't tell me... I will be happy to keep my mouth shut about things I'm told.. that is no one else's business. I just notice all the lies.. and deception that goes on around me.. and the fact I was called a liar.. had set me off even more.  The person who did so.. has come to me.. and apologized.. I know it was done out of irritation... frustration.. being upset even... and I understand why it...

I'm still working early.. in a couple of weeks.. I'll be back to a full 70 hours a week again.... not that it matters much anyway, but... I'm glad of being able to get a little extra money set back.  It seems as though my spouse is going through a lot of what I've made anyway.  That's something I'm trying to get to work on.. getting her employment.  I hope to find something... soon.. (bath) I think the longer we are in relationships... including friendships.. the more aspects of a person we see. Sometimes things happen that allow us to see people in a completely different light.. not always a good one. I am viewing many people with a renewed cynicism.. I choose to be friends with those in my life.. because they have supported me.. and I've been there for them.... but at some point in time.. there comes a time you have to ask.. why is a person my friend?  What reason is someone in your life.  Can you trust that person?  First of all.. if you cannot trust s...

So... my life is continuing along a certain path... and part of me wants to just abandon everything.. and just lock myself in my room.. throw away every piece of electronics I own.. and just wait until I'm old and grey before moving again.  I think I'd be much safer that way.  I blogged yesterday about how I thought something was unnerving me... and then I was called a liar and a manipulator... I don't understand it... no matter how I choose to disclose almost everything I think.. most everything I feel... it's still not enough for some people. I have had people in my life... that believe I would heal... and even though I've maintained that I only take each day as it comes... people must read more into that than there is... I am one of those people that have maintained that all I've wanted is friendship for so long.. and when people don't get more than that... they're ok.. or say they are.. and stay as my friends... or.. so I thought. so.. when they fina...

so... life is all peaches and rainbows... well.. no.. not exactly... people are still people.. lying, deceptive.. fickle.. untrustworthy.. many of them.. not because they are lying on purpose... but maybe because they accidentally aren't certain of things themselves.. I think that sometimes we all lie to ourselves.. we try to make things happen because we want them to.. and we refuse to let events unfold.  When we just let things happen naturally.. that will create the strongest bond ever. I am a firm believer in that.. it's just many times... when we find someone in our life.. we want to fill a void that is missing.  It's a scary thing... to give someone access to ourselves.. our private thoughts.. I have some thoughts.. that are so private that I just don't share them on here... it's not that I'm really trying to hide anything.. only that I feel I have to save a small part of me.. for myself.. that's only mine. I know that I've upset a friend lately th...

How do we know how what repercussions will arise tomorrow from our actions.  I am atop my tower... watching the world from up here.. I see so much lies and deceit from up here.. I honestly do trust a few people now.. to a varying degree.. I just don't know when they can be sucked into a situation.. or do things they wouldn't normally do... based on misinformation.. or their perception.. I see so many people get tricked.. into making poor decisions.. People are gullible. The world is full of traps and deception. I think sometimes people get the idea that life is a game.. that dating requires intimacy... I see people start into online relationships.. and they figure that the first thing on the agenda is to explore the sexual chemistry... online relationships.. if they're truely ever going to mean anything.. need to be treated like real life.. you don't just jump into bed with someone you are just getting to know..  the online world.. moves at a much slower pace.. as far a...

Friday! ...This weekend my dad will be visiting again.. he still calls me every day from the gravesite.. He bought some sod and made her grave look better... I know it's hurting him.. and I can't really do anything to help. In my world.. I feel myself withdrawing again... I feel less able to trust what I think I know.. I suppose that maybe you really never do truly know anyone very well anyway. ..should I just accept it?  I have come to a conclusion.. if I ever decide to heal.. I won't keep it secret.. not for very long, anyway.. it leaves too much room to let doubt creep in.. I've witnessed enough deception and dishonesty to have more than a bit of a problem with that anyway. It's not like I would go all post happy as I did before.. but I would never hide a relationship.  Right now though.. I think it will be a long, long time before I'm ever at even considering that. I have friends I talk to.. I have people I am trying to trust.. but if I can't really trus...

Each one of us.. is responsible for our own actions.. no matter how much we say we were influenced.. no matter what the circumstances.. it is still a fact that we do what we do... no one else can stand responsible for it. So.. then why do we feel the need to sometimes say.. I didn't mean to do that.. Yes.. it was meant to be done, it's just that the desired outcome didn't occur. We will many times do or say things.. and immediately realize that it's something we wished we hadn't done.. or something we hadn't said.. but it's too late to erase it in most instances. It's still out there.. and those that saw or heard it.. know what truly happened.. We use phrases like ... bury the hatchet... let bygones be bygones.. but in reality... we can choose not to talk about it.. but we never forget it. Every decision we make determines how we interact with a certain person.. or certain group of people. Just because we didn't mean for it to be interpreted a certai...

Life is never very simple, is it.. I have been contemplating a whole lot lately.. and I've come to the realization that no matter what happens... I really am not dependent on anyone. I can deal with things as they come along.. and if a person goes out of my life.. I don't seek to replace them with someone else. Too many people will do that... and it shows that they are not as independent as they think they are. Some people will try to bring someone into their life for a replacement even before someone leaves.. that's where a lot of conflicts and bad feelings occur.  I won't ever do that either. I feel as though I'm self-sufficient.. am I the happiest beaver in the dam?  not really.. but then again, I don't get nearly as butt hurt over someone who needs to walk out of my life either.  I really try not to emotionally invest myself in anyone... and it's much safer that way. My path is mine alone.. and where it might intersect.. or travel along the paths of othe...

People tend to think that everyone is expendable in their lives... and actually they usually are. It's nice to have friends that support us, but sometimes we are forced to come to the realization that maybe we lead people down the path of false hope... Sometimes we give people the impression that maybe there is more than there actually is... and when we are guilty of perpetuating that.. it makes us a bad person. We don't see who people truly are because we choose to be blind to it... we make all kinds of excuses... for things we want to feel... or say.. or even do.. and everyone is guilty of this.. We don't know how to handle the situation.. but when the roles are reversed, we would know exactly what we would want done.. once we are put on the receiving end.... it becomes a whole new ball game.  I know that there are some wonderful people in my life.. and I choose to ignore most of them... because I feel that I can't trust people.. for the most part.  I am guilty of per...

Another Monday.. I have a doc appt. this afternoon.. actually it's a TB skin test.. so. I'm just taking a couple hours off. so that I can get down to the doctor's office before closing time. I really don't like small needles.. well I don't like large needles either.. or needles of any sort.  I would rather be stabbed by a knife.. it's sort of a phobia... not sure where it comes from. I remember as a kid.. I punched the doctor who was going to give me school shots. He got me back... he told my parents to take me elsewhere.. then he lost my shot records.. so I had to end up taking them all over again.  ...in any case, it isn't something I really have a problem with.. as long as I don't think about it.. and afterwards.. I always think... "That wasn't so bad"   ...I am in a somewhat better mood.  I don't worry that much about my employment future now.. since I found out that they are required to offer me something elsewhere... a little conc...

So... I've spent awhile this morning... talking about ...things.. with my spouse... she is ready for me to go... we discussed.. looking for her a job... and the probability of my place of employment closing... If it closes...they are obligated to offer me 3 positions.. elsewhere.. at some location... she told me that they wouldn't be going with me.. that they would look for a place to live in the little community where my kids go to school and she could find some place to work there.. She still knows I'm not happy.. and she said that she wasn't happy either... that we would figure out a way to keep me in touch with the kids.. but.. because of who we are.. we won't be happily married.. ever.. and we need to just accept that.... not worrying about our families.. or friends.. or what they think.  She actually has been making some connections during the day with people in the town where my kids go to school.. and she has been making informal plans.. but what with me wor...

Life keeps going.. people keep living.. but very few things actually change.  I can't describe how I feel other than to say I don't want to be needy.. I am trying to get my independence.. and sometimes it seems so far away. I wonder how many times I will allow myself to slip and actually feel a little something.. knowing that with all the uncertainties of life, things are destined to turn out bad.  I am still certain that I couldn't take another crash.. but I believe that a lot of people keep looking at this blog.. just to try to see the evolution of my healing.. I want to believe in things.. and people.. but I seem to only be able to do that for a short time.. before wondering how ignorant I actually am. Most people don't even believe in themselves.. I even have a hard time believing in me.. why would I perpetuate anything that would lead someone to actually try to believe in me. ...I want things.. I feel things.. I desire things... but throughout it all I am certain a...

So... life comes in many different flavors... and colors... or is that life savers..  in any case, I really feel that I am starting to get "needy" ...I was told that isn't a bad thing.. but in reality.. it is.. we all need to have a degree of independence. No one wants to be told that they are responsible for another person's happiness. We all put things in a certain order to try to be happy.. but for the most part.. we are stuck with what we get.  So why do we struggle so much to make things different?  Why do we choose to make ourselves be a certain way... we all do it.. maybe it's because of wanting to be accepted.  We make allowances in the way we act.. changing our behaviors... to suit other people.. even when we steadfastly hold to our outlook that we are rocks.. and will not crumble... Life is a jackhammer.. sooner or later.. no matter how big of a "rock" you're trying to be.. you'll crack.  I tend to push people out of my life.  I do that...

Do you ever feel like you're chatting at someone.. instead of with them.. I'm pretty sure that people sometimes feel that way about me.. and I know I feel that way about a few people.. it's like.. you say something.. or say something else.. and you never know when that person is going to respond.   I have friends like that.. but I also find myself becoming more and more like that.  I understand that circumstances sometimes keep us from carrying on a conversation.. but when it becomes a habit.. it just becomes ... impersonal.. sort of like sending a letter.  I think that I am on the brink of some type of self discovery.. and I touched on it yesterday when I blogged.  I'm still married. I act as though I'm not... if I didn't want to be married.. no matter what excuses I can come up with.. I wouldn't be.. I hope that I can correct that situation  ...and I honestly see myself getting divorced in the next 6 months... but.. in the meantime... how should I be.. wha...

Ok.. so.. I didn't get up early today... I suppose my overtime in the mornings might be at an end also... I think maybe I will catch up on a few things.. like maybe sleep?   I woke up several times last night.. didn't think I would be tired.. getting to sleep a little later. I was wrong... I'm more tired than ever. So.... we think that we have things figured out.. when all of a sudden.. we realize that nothing is like we thought it was.. take me for instance.. I figure that my life is headed for a divorce.. that I won't be able to change how I feel.. and then my mom's death delays things.. how long?  6 - 8 months??  I don't know.. I have my job to think about too.. I hate being blindsided... I have people in my life that support me.. and I'm happy for that.. but.. what about trust.. I keep bringing up "trust"... sometimes I suppose trust has to build.. for me though.. it may take several years.. part of me thinks that I should just concentrate on g...

another day down... then another day down.. then another day down.. ever feel like the rut is just getting bigger and bigger?  I want to believe that it will end someday.. but I am fairly certain it won't.. not for a long, long time.  I feel like since I'm not working overtime, I have more time to think... and in case no one notices, thinking for me is usually a bad thing.. I have started to get a bit more down.. I need to find something to occupy my mind other than the mindless activities... Bath time... So.. I dreamed I was back in college last night.. and I had no idea where any of my classes were... and I was trying to cross a road... but no one would let me cross.. so I stayed on my side and ended up in a hotel.. where I was a guest... but they kept telling me to check out.. so I wandered from room to room trying to stay in the hotel . I think my home is a hotel.. I keep looking at it as a temporary place to stay.  I want to be able to get out and do something occas...

Another Monday morning... the time has changed.. so it's earlier than ever.. I am currently running my bath and will soon be soaking in the tub... I feel like I sorta wasted the weekend, but I'm glad the weekend wasn't eventful.. It was something I could just relax and enjoy. My dad came over yesterday and was his usual melancholy self.. not that I expected anything different.. but it's still a bit of a downer. I figure sooner or later.. he'll start to be a little more normal again... is that what everyone is waiting for from me? ...for me to be normal?   ...still.. I don't try to "fix" him.. just as most people are trying to fix me... I let him be.. tell him to call me for anything.. and still talk to him daily.. I show him I'm still in his life.. without trying to be .. intrusive. So after my bath.. I feel.. a bit refreshed.. but I still keep this feeling that I am forgetting something. I wonder what I am looking for.. I can't help but feel...

It's amazing what 2 days off will do... I feel like things are becoming a little clearer.... but it seems like sometimes that I just don't want to be happy.. I often wonder what it would be like.. to just give in and let myself go.. not worrying about the consequences... and a few times... a glimmering light will come into my life for a few moments... and I think.. it's about time..  but I still find myself doubting how things are... doubting that a future really exists.. I can be witty.. I can be funny.. I can even be flirty... I find myself thinking how things could be now.. if the past year and a half.. hadn't happened... I want to be happy... just as everybody does.. I just don't see how I can trust in that desire.. I don't know what to do to start to be happy.. I realized yesterday that it has been a very, very long time.. since I actually laughed... long and hard... I'm not the fun person I used to be.. I give myself a little room to smile now and agai...

So... I found it very hard to sleep last night.. I just woke up.. and realized how alone I was... not because there wasn't someone in my bed.. not because I didn't have someone to have sex with.. it was because I couldn't just hold someone.. or have someone hold me.. I can't see things happening.. although sometimes I'm oblivious to things happening in front of my face.  I do things for a reason.. sometimes it's not obvious.. but most of the time.. over time.. it will become so.. I am glad of the people I have in my life.. no one expects anything from me.. and I like it that way... I live my life not watching.. because what you see.. isn't necessarily what things actually are.. people use their senses sparingly.. if you see something.. you might forget to use your other senses and even though appearances are very convencing sometimes.. I think that's why I like the dark.. you use your other senses to figure out what is going on.. which is a good lesson f...

So... I seem to always screw something up when I least expect it... I am now a firm believer that most of my problems stem from people trying to hide the truth.  I broke a friend's trust yesterday... it wasn't exactly ...intentional... but nonetheless I did it.  I have no excuses other than wanting to see about someone in her life.. I had a concern... something I couldn't put my finger on.. and even though she probably won't talk to me anymore.. I'm ok with doing it.. I found out some things that I couldn't found out any other way.. I would rather her be upset with me.. than make a mistake.. I am sometimes blinded by hope for other people... I want good things in their life and every so often I misread my "feelings" ...so.. I'm not always right.. I admit that.  I'm not even sure if it wouldn't have been a better thing to let things play out and people get crushed. I do know.. that if something is the truth.. I might get a little disoriented...

Back to work today... lots of things changing around me.. I hope people are able to put their best foot forward.. and make things happen for them.. but I'm somewhat skeptical of things... I think that most people have forgotten to put the shoe on  the other foot.. for as I like to constantly say.. reverse the roles.. If someone feels a certain way about something.. they should behave.. just as though they want to... actually it goes back to something that everyone has probably heard... The golden rule... do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  What's so hard about that.. If everyone could live by that.. we would all be much better off.  Do I have any direction where my life is headed?.. nope. not at the moment. I sorta feel like the world has spiraled out of control again.. just when I was beginning to hang on.. Not because of any one event.. but because of a series of events that are beyond my control.  That's ok.. I always adjust.. I just see so many pe...

Day two.. still sick.. but feeling much better.. didn't rest much last night.. so.. I'm home again.. I think I'll be able to kick this sickness today... I spent a lot of time online yesterday.. as I lay in bed and tried to rest.  My dad has been calling since he found out I was sick.. he calls me every hour or two.. he says.. you need to sleep.. well.. I could sleep a little more.. if he wasn't calling me every hour or two waking me up.. but it's hard to reason with him anymore.. so I don't. I am so wishing I wasn't spending my comp time on being sick.. I want to be able to get away at some point in time.. I haven't been able to go anywhere since last July... and I feel like it would be nice to just get away.. I've already told them at work that I am not taking any time until after summer break in July.. if I even do then.. I will have to figure out what I might want to do then..  I am seeing a lot of changes in the lives of friends and acquaintance...

Sick... a few hours sleep.. cramping.. frequent trips to the bathroom.. crabby.. I think I got my daughter's virus... been in a really pissy mood too.. It started out as irritated.. but then was compounded by the.. "whatever /fuck you"  ...anyone who knows me.. and has read this knows that whatever = fuck you ...in my book.. so for someone to use it.. a few times.. makes me much more than mildly irritated.. It's okay though.. I have found out that no matter what... I still won't ever be able to trust even the closest of my friends... it's just not in me anymore.. no matter the circumstances.. and the freaky part.. is .. I still really don't care. I thought I did.. and I suppose I just started giving the little push.. to help the person distance themselves from me... I do that with a lot of people..  No matter where a person thinks they stand in my life... I keep myself somewhat emotionally detached.. just in case they decide to ease out of my world.. I sor...

Why do people feel the need to keep me in the loop about things I don't care about... I can see if it's going to affect me.. but.. if it has no bearing on my life.. other than to cause me irritation.. then there's no use in telling me..  Don't get me wrong.. if something will have a bearing on my future.. or is about me.. then I need to know..  I have looked over a lot of my blog entries.. and most of them say the same thing... poor me.. look how I am now.. pity me.. I don't want anyone's pity.. I don't want anyone to try to change me.. I just need to give myself time.. I have people that continue to try to come to my emotional rescue.. and keep banging their head against the wall.. I have news for those people.. you're gonna get a headache.. and nothing is going to change.. I am who I am.. I don't trust anyone at the moment.. even my closest friends.. because they don't have a clue about things either.. they don't see the coming drama in the...

I think it's time to revisit honesty... sometimes.. when we don't know what we've done.. we may make mistakes.. much the same as when we are unsure... I very recently passed along some information completely on accident because I wasn't aware that is wasn't common knowledge.. I have mixed feelings about that.. First.. if I consider someone a friend.. and really screw up and do something bad.. I would try to fix things with that person, rather than keep the knowledge hidden.. Secondly.. I would hope that anything that involved a friend.. would not be disclosed to me.. because if one of my friends knew something.. even something that would hurt me.. I much prefer to go ahead and know.. rather than find out later.. because everything always comes out.. sooner or later... in some instances.. it can be much later.. but then it does much more damage if that is the case. I ask that people do not ask me to keep secrets from my friends.. I can keep secrets.. and have many of...

I feel like my life is back in slow motion again... waiting for something to happen.. my job.. is leading the top of that list at the moment.. I have to go in shortly.. but I really don't want to.. it's Saturday.. overtime..  but it IS good money.. I have been feeling like my job will be phased out due to budget cuts.. now more than ever.. and where will that put me if it does.. I'm not certain on that.. but I need to keep my options open.  If I can get another 17 months where I am now.. then they will be required to find us work.. I am just wondering how long that will last.  I am not adverse to the idea of moving wherever I need to move in order to keep a job.. I only wish things were a bit more stable. ...but it seems like my life has always been a bit unstable.  On a positive note.. I got an iPad for my oldest daughter.. and now she can give her netbook to my 9 yr. old.  I also got myself a new laptop.. I suppose I just need to feel like all this overtime is...

People still come in and go out of my life.. and I'm none the worse for wear.. I refuse to let myself be sucked into something so brief.. so fleeting.. that I wonder why I did it in the first place.. My friends.. I have.. on varying levels.. You can tell how good a friend is.. by how much they are willing to share with you.. When I find out things my friends have done... and they have not chosen to share them with me.. then I realize that friend isn't as close a friend as I thought.. So many times we place our trust in the wrong people.. and almost as often.. our trust is torn down.  With those people who are trying to get to know me.. I will be honest.. and forthcoming with them.. but will only share as much as I feel is appropriate for our level of friendship... Then as a friendship grows.. there are less and less things you keep from each other... The closest of friends.. are those that have no secrets.. I kind of think everyone has a few secrets they hang onto..  and that...

I have figured out that I am healing.. whether I want to or not.. and part of that healing process is being able to not care about the past.. That doesn't mean that I don't expect people to lie to me.. because all of the things I've been saying for so long.. I still believe.. but I don't want it to be that way... when I talk to someone.. I think in the back of my mind..."Why are they talking to me.. what do they want from me??"  I can't help but believe that all people have some sort of motive.. and I still believe that everyone uses others.. whether they want to admit it or not.. I use people.. to feel better.. to engage in conversation and fulfill that need of social interaction.. People use others to meet their own ends.. but some of the times.. it's with respect.  I had a friend of mine just recently talk about enjoying someone else's company.. but was afraid it wouldn't work out.. my question was... do you enjoy the interaction... the answ...