We'll see how that goes.

Ok.. so.. I didn't get up early today... I suppose my overtime in the mornings might be at an end also... I think maybe I will catch up on a few things.. like maybe sleep?   I woke up several times last night.. didn't think I would be tired.. getting to sleep a little later. I was wrong... I'm more tired than ever. So.... we think that we have things figured out.. when all of a sudden.. we realize that nothing is like we thought it was.. take me for instance.. I figure that my life is headed for a divorce.. that I won't be able to change how I feel.. and then my mom's death delays things.. how long?  6 - 8 months??  I don't know.. I have my job to think about too.. I hate being blindsided... I have people in my life that support me.. and I'm happy for that.. but.. what about trust.. I keep bringing up "trust"... sometimes I suppose trust has to build.. for me though.. it may take several years.. part of me thinks that I should just concentrate on getting my life together.. and not be worried about whether or not anyone gives a shit about me.. I almost think that's my problem.. I worry that people have expectations.. even though they say they don't.. in actions, people show they have expectations.. I don't know how to deal with that. I say I won't give any thought to the future... but we all do.. it's unavoidable.. why are we so complex.. I really don't know why I ever got involved with someone who is married in the first place.. I suppose it was because I am married.. but even still unless I'm certain they are headed for a divorce.. I was setting myself up for failure. I guess I actually thought my ex-girlfriend was actually headed that way. As long as that obstacle exists.. I wouldn't be able to see any kind of future... and I suppose a part of it is my marriage.. I am positive I am going to get it.. but.. until it happens.. I am in limbo.. I suppose anyone heading for a divorce is already thinking of dating.. or finding companionship for support even before they actually separate.  It's during this phase that people have to be particularly careful.. because playing that way.. is sort of like someone told me once a long time ago... you're just trying to have your cake.. and eat it too.. and it doesn't work that way.  I have to try to remember... not to allow myself too close to people that aren't divorced or headed that way soon. ...or I will wind up with even bigger trust issues. I got upset when I was told that about the cake.. thinking.. they don't know how lonely I am.. how much I am going through.. but the more I think about it.. I realize that person was right.. no matter how I look at it.  I am going to start eating on my cake when I feel like I don't need it anymore.. I think that is part of my "healing" process.. I just have to keep the correct mental focus... and we'll see how that goes.

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