I can't and I won't.

another day down... then another day down.. then another day down.. ever feel like the rut is just getting bigger and bigger?  I want to believe that it will end someday.. but I am fairly certain it won't.. not for a long, long time.  I feel like since I'm not working overtime, I have more time to think... and in case no one notices, thinking for me is usually a bad thing.. I have started to get a bit more down.. I need to find something to occupy my mind other than the mindless activities... Bath time...
So.. I dreamed I was back in college last night.. and I had no idea where any of my classes were... and I was trying to cross a road... but no one would let me cross.. so I stayed on my side and ended up in a hotel.. where I was a guest... but they kept telling me to check out.. so I wandered from room to room trying to stay in the hotel . I think my home is a hotel.. I keep looking at it as a temporary place to stay.  I want to be able to get out and do something occasionally. At the moment.. I am not happy with just residing... I want to live. I get glimpses of that.. then I do the horrible thing of thinking about ...what's after that?  ...and I don't see anything after that... and for someone like me.. who is very perceptive about a lot of things.. that's a scary thought.   I want to give myself at least a little warning cushion... I love interacting with people.. but my social interaction is limited to the people I can get online with.. I feel that maybe I sometimes give people the wrong idea.. I say one thing.. but then ...act like everything might be ok... Does life have to be so.... temporary?  I still have no clue about the direction I'm heading.. and I say I keep living day by day.. but at some point.. that day by day status becomes week by week... and then month by month.. I hurt my friends... I can't help that.. I keep holding out for a person that makes me instantly feel.. good..  I only had that happen once.. now I shut myself off to being able to feel it again.. so.. although I want it...  I won't let it happen... I actually have thought about a future.. a decent future.. but realize the odds are against it.. severely against it.. and I can't invest myself emotionally in another person that won't be a part of my life.  I can't.. and I won't.

Comments

  1. Daisy Publications March 13, 2012 at 6:26 AM

    The Loooooooove Booooaaat.... promises something for eeeeverrryyoooonee! hehe

    ReplyDelete

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