Bracing myself for any impact.

so... life is all peaches and rainbows... well.. no.. not exactly... people are still people.. lying, deceptive.. fickle.. untrustworthy.. many of them.. not because they are lying on purpose... but maybe because they accidentally aren't certain of things themselves.. I think that sometimes we all lie to ourselves.. we try to make things happen because we want them to.. and we refuse to let events unfold.  When we just let things happen naturally.. that will create the strongest bond ever. I am a firm believer in that.. it's just many times... when we find someone in our life.. we want to fill a void that is missing.  It's a scary thing... to give someone access to ourselves.. our private thoughts.. I have some thoughts.. that are so private that I just don't share them on here... it's not that I'm really trying to hide anything.. only that I feel I have to save a small part of me.. for myself.. that's only mine. I know that I've upset a friend lately that thought there might be more with me than what there is.   ...and I believe that person may even grow to dislike me a bit.. even though they still say they are friends.. When I heal.. completely heal.. IF I do.. will be an event that I don't think I'll be able to forecast.  I keep waiting for something to happen in my head.. that makes me think I'll be alright.. and I don't know what that event will be. I am conflicted now.. because I "feel" something.. but not sure what.. I don't even know how to describe it.. I get these premonitions.. I've said that before.. and right now.. this premonition.. has me scared shitless.. if I could put my finger on what it is.. then maybe I would know more how to not be.. concerned about it.  I sometimes want to just lock myself in my tower.. so that I don't hurt.. or am not hurt. I'm already up here anyway.. so do I just need to back away from the window? ...keep myself from seeing things?  ...who knows.. I will just continue on my daily path... and not concern myself with things I can't change..  and continue bracing myself for any impact.

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