It is an impossibility
Another Monday morning... the time has changed.. so it's earlier than ever.. I am currently running my bath and will soon be soaking in the tub... I feel like I sorta wasted the weekend, but I'm glad the weekend wasn't eventful.. It was something I could just relax and enjoy. My dad came over yesterday and was his usual melancholy self.. not that I expected anything different.. but it's still a bit of a downer. I figure sooner or later.. he'll start to be a little more normal again... is that what everyone is waiting for from me? ...for me to be normal? ...still.. I don't try to "fix" him.. just as most people are trying to fix me... I let him be.. tell him to call me for anything.. and still talk to him daily.. I show him I'm still in his life.. without trying to be .. intrusive.
So after my bath.. I feel.. a bit refreshed.. but I still keep this feeling that I am forgetting something. I wonder what I am looking for.. I can't help but feel that by living in the moment.. that I am misleading someone.. that perhaps someone will be upset with me if I need to shut down again.. or if life pitches me a funny curve and I have to end up moving because of my job. I know.. I know.. we can't worry about things that haven't happened. I watched a friend of mine this weekend... go from happy.. to worry.. to doubt.. to completely obliterated because of a relationship.. and even though she won't say it.. it does bother her. I think that perhaps we need too much.. each person.. we look for someone to fill a hole.. I know I've said this before.. or at least touched on it.. but I strongly feel that we all have that hole.. and a lot of times.. it's because of that "hole" in our soul.. is the reason we can't move forward with ourselves.. we don't feel complete unless we have someone in our lives.. to encourage us.. share our intimate moments.. and no.. I'm not meaning sex.. although that is a huge desire almost all of us has.. but to be able to just be ourselves on a basic level.. and not play games... no matter what we say.. we all still play games.. we put on different faces for different people.. but I want to be self-sufficient.. I think alone might be taking that statement a bit too far.. I really don't want to be alone.. but in the same sense.. I don't want to have to rely on anyone. THEN.. and only then.. when I feel I reach the point where I don't need anyone in my life.. I can look... and maybe find someone who has come to the same self-discovery. Sometimes I do want to pull back.. I do want to push every one of my friends out of my life.. just so I can discover myself.... not having to lean on anyone for support.. I don't know how long I will feel like this.. but I just feel like maybe I don't allow myself the time to try to heal.. All I do is lean on my friends to get me through each day. It doesn't matter.. sooner or later.. they'll realize that life will end up sending us in different directions.. and we won't have a choice but to let go.. That's the way it always is.. sure.. we keep in touch with our old friends.. but we really don't make time for people once they've left a larger part of our life.. I want only to be able to not have to require anything from anyone.. The living in the moment idea sounds good in theory.. but the practical application of it.. is extremely difficult... because if that were the case.. I could walk away right now.. from everyone and everything.. and all would be ok.. another moment.. Not that I would do that.. but I'm coming to the realization that this living in the moment.. It is an impossibility.
So after my bath.. I feel.. a bit refreshed.. but I still keep this feeling that I am forgetting something. I wonder what I am looking for.. I can't help but feel that by living in the moment.. that I am misleading someone.. that perhaps someone will be upset with me if I need to shut down again.. or if life pitches me a funny curve and I have to end up moving because of my job. I know.. I know.. we can't worry about things that haven't happened. I watched a friend of mine this weekend... go from happy.. to worry.. to doubt.. to completely obliterated because of a relationship.. and even though she won't say it.. it does bother her. I think that perhaps we need too much.. each person.. we look for someone to fill a hole.. I know I've said this before.. or at least touched on it.. but I strongly feel that we all have that hole.. and a lot of times.. it's because of that "hole" in our soul.. is the reason we can't move forward with ourselves.. we don't feel complete unless we have someone in our lives.. to encourage us.. share our intimate moments.. and no.. I'm not meaning sex.. although that is a huge desire almost all of us has.. but to be able to just be ourselves on a basic level.. and not play games... no matter what we say.. we all still play games.. we put on different faces for different people.. but I want to be self-sufficient.. I think alone might be taking that statement a bit too far.. I really don't want to be alone.. but in the same sense.. I don't want to have to rely on anyone. THEN.. and only then.. when I feel I reach the point where I don't need anyone in my life.. I can look... and maybe find someone who has come to the same self-discovery. Sometimes I do want to pull back.. I do want to push every one of my friends out of my life.. just so I can discover myself.... not having to lean on anyone for support.. I don't know how long I will feel like this.. but I just feel like maybe I don't allow myself the time to try to heal.. All I do is lean on my friends to get me through each day. It doesn't matter.. sooner or later.. they'll realize that life will end up sending us in different directions.. and we won't have a choice but to let go.. That's the way it always is.. sure.. we keep in touch with our old friends.. but we really don't make time for people once they've left a larger part of our life.. I want only to be able to not have to require anything from anyone.. The living in the moment idea sounds good in theory.. but the practical application of it.. is extremely difficult... because if that were the case.. I could walk away right now.. from everyone and everything.. and all would be ok.. another moment.. Not that I would do that.. but I'm coming to the realization that this living in the moment.. It is an impossibility.
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