Then deal with it.

Another Monday.. I have a doc appt. this afternoon.. actually it's a TB skin test.. so. I'm just taking a couple hours off. so that I can get down to the doctor's office before closing time. I really don't like small needles.. well I don't like large needles either.. or needles of any sort.  I would rather be stabbed by a knife.. it's sort of a phobia... not sure where it comes from. I remember as a kid.. I punched the doctor who was going to give me school shots. He got me back... he told my parents to take me elsewhere.. then he lost my shot records.. so I had to end up taking them all over again.  ...in any case, it isn't something I really have a problem with.. as long as I don't think about it.. and afterwards.. I always think... "That wasn't so bad"   ...I am in a somewhat better mood.  I don't worry that much about my employment future now.. since I found out that they are required to offer me something elsewhere... a little concerned on where that might be.. and can I afford to live.. Maybe I'll be lucky and it'll be Hawaii or some place like that. (bath)
So... I was just thinking... I don't have a clue what my future might hold.. so I have difficulty with being able to plan my future.. for a bit anyway... so right now.. I only have a rough outline.. so everything is "living in the moment"  I am just going to try to do the things I want to do.. and let the future take care of itself.  I know how I feel about things right now.. I need to start heeding my own advice.  I have a friend... who has entered into a relationship... and all thoughts are.. when is it going to end.   I said to her.. just be this guy's friend.. enjoy the time you have with him.. and don't read anything into it.. If something happens.. then it happens.. and you deal with that.. if it never happens ... then it doesn't.. Too many times.. we try to project someone we aren't.. by trying to be what we expect from another person.  This will usually cause confusion and chaos. All you can do.. is deal with who you are.. now.. and what you want to do.. sometimes that very difficult.. because you worry that you might hurt someone.. or they might hurt you. The thing is.. if YOU are being honest.. and YOU  don't hide anything.. then you have done your part.. all you can do is keep your eyes open.. and go with the flow. I want to allow myself a little space to breathe.. to react if I'm hurt.. but at some point and time.. I will need to try to trust again... I do have some degrees of trust.. I just see all the mistrust in other people.. and am worried that maybe that I can't live up to expectations..  that's why I hate expectations..  sometimes.. I think if I were to be open and receptive to everyone and just take things as they come.. I would be much better off.. but I have a problem with that.. I'm very selective.. and very choosy about who I call a friend.. much less anything more.. so.. I am a bit introverted most of the time.
I am thinking that people have a double standard... it's ok... for people to do certain things.. but if the roles are reversed.. and someone else does the same thing.. then it's a problem. I try to think about that before I get upset... so usually things don't upset me.. I will casually mention things in conversation with my friends.. if it has something to do with another friend of mine.. I will tell that friend what I said.. I don't feel the need to keep things from my friends.. that's not saying that I just share everything I say.. with everyone else.. I just feel the need to keep no secrets about a person if that person I consider my friend... and everyone that knows me.. should know that. I am not going to go share what I consider personal information with the world.. or I would put it here in my blog.. and to this date.. I don't think I've really ever named anyone specifically.. even though a few times.. certain people can figure out about whom I am talking. If something bothers someone.. just because I said something non-personal.. and it's the truth.. then deal with it..