Bubble buddy.

So... life comes in many different flavors... and colors... or is that life savers..  in any case, I really feel that I am starting to get "needy" ...I was told that isn't a bad thing.. but in reality.. it is.. we all need to have a degree of independence. No one wants to be told that they are responsible for another person's happiness. We all put things in a certain order to try to be happy.. but for the most part.. we are stuck with what we get.  So why do we struggle so much to make things different?  Why do we choose to make ourselves be a certain way... we all do it.. maybe it's because of wanting to be accepted.  We make allowances in the way we act.. changing our behaviors... to suit other people.. even when we steadfastly hold to our outlook that we are rocks.. and will not crumble... Life is a jackhammer.. sooner or later.. no matter how big of a "rock" you're trying to be.. you'll crack.  I tend to push people out of my life.  I do that to protect myself.. but it's still making compromises on who I am.. because if I didn't act.. or react to other people, I would probably be somewhat different. I feel like I'm one of the most cynical people on the planet.  That's not to say that I don't enjoy the company of others.. but I have to keep my fortress walls up. Maybe that is who I am now.. who knows?  I get so caught up in trying to keep others from getting into my world.. that I can't be who I am.. I  struggle daily inside with the conflict of how to progress with my life.  I just seem to really screw up things most of the time.  (bath)
When I think about who I am.. I am confused.... am I really needy?  Is that healthy?  I don't think so.  I would like to consider myself an independent person.. that someone may.. or may not choose to be around. ..but if they don't... then I don't worry about it.  We can tell ourselves that all we want.. but the honest truth is... we are all full of crap...to a certain extent. We all want to have people in our lives.. we all want social interaction.. it's the level of interaction that differs from person to person.. I have a problem with allowing myself to get to closely attached to anyone.. even as a friend.. when I do.. I feel like that expectations exist. Am I growing?.. or regressing?  I don't know actually.. but to be true to myself.. to do what I feel to do.. I have to push.. so, in a sense.. maybe this is a part of me.. and who I am.. maybe I can't allow people to cross a certain threshold in my world.  We all have a bubble.. my bubble is safe.. I feel secure here.. and then people try to invade my bubble.. or even share my bubble.. but I'm selfish.. it's MY bubble.. I don't want my bubble to burst.. then I will be bubbleless.. For now.. I don't even want a bubble buddy..