More like a nightmare.

Do you ever feel like you're chatting at someone.. instead of with them.. I'm pretty sure that people sometimes feel that way about me.. and I know I feel that way about a few people.. it's like.. you say something.. or say something else.. and you never know when that person is going to respond.   I have friends like that.. but I also find myself becoming more and more like that.  I understand that circumstances sometimes keep us from carrying on a conversation.. but when it becomes a habit.. it just becomes ... impersonal.. sort of like sending a letter.  I think that I am on the brink of some type of self discovery.. and I touched on it yesterday when I blogged.  I'm still married. I act as though I'm not... if I didn't want to be married.. no matter what excuses I can come up with.. I wouldn't be.. I hope that I can correct that situation  ...and I honestly see myself getting divorced in the next 6 months... but.. in the meantime... how should I be.. what if other circumstances arise.. and delay my divorce even further... I know that I cannot predict the future. and have all but given up trying to make detailed plans..  I have been told that I should just enjoy the here and now.. and the future will take care of itself... Maybe it will but because of who I am.. I try to adjust for it.. I always plan.. even if those plans have to be changed several times..   (bath)

I am torn almost constantly.. between what I want.. and what I truly believe will happen.. I try not to have expectations.. mainly because almost all of my expectations are negative.. I dreamed I was shot again last night.. not sure who shot me.. I didn't see her ... she was in a long black flowing robe.. I couldn't even make out any features whatsoever.. but I still  remember walking into a room.. and it was definitely a woman's room.. because she had her clothes folded up on the table.. I caught a glimpse in the mirror of a figure in a black flowing robe behind me.. and then I felt the pain shoot through my back.. and I fell to the floor and laid there.. all I could see was her legs as she stepped over me.. and got dressed.. I lay there.. helpless to move.. while she got dressed.. a foot or so away from me.. but I couldn't glance up.. couldn't see her face.. she took her time about getting dressed.. seemed like an eternity.. then she stepped back over my body.. and left the room.. a few minutes later.. everything went dark.. then I woke up.   I have no idea of the significance of that dream.....  more like a nightmare.

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