I choose to be that way.

It's amazing what 2 days off will do... I feel like things are becoming a little clearer.... but it seems like sometimes that I just don't want to be happy.. I often wonder what it would be like.. to just give in and let myself go.. not worrying about the consequences... and a few times... a glimmering light will come into my life for a few moments... and I think.. it's about time..  but I still find myself doubting how things are... doubting that a future really exists.. I can be witty.. I can be funny.. I can even be flirty... I find myself thinking how things could be now.. if the past year and a half.. hadn't happened... I want to be happy... just as everybody does.. I just don't see how I can trust in that desire.. I don't know what to do to start to be happy.. I realized yesterday that it has been a very, very long time.. since I actually laughed... long and hard... I'm not the fun person I used to be.. I give myself a little room to smile now and again.. but for the most part.. that's difficult... I sometimes dread the thought that expectations will always be thrust upon me.. I will continue to maintain my path.. I walk it slowly and keep my eyes open.. but see lots of places it would be easy to slip.. or slide.. I don't want a relationship.. because I don't want to feel I'm needed in anyone's life.. it's nice to be wanted.. but I can't help but think that we are all needy to a certain point... I know I can go without having someone in my life.. so.. maybe I am healing to that point.. the problem is.. there are a lot of outside factors that have bearing on my trust issues.. I still feel that most everyone on the sites I visit.. are searching for something to fill a void... occasionally I find that might not be the case.. but for the most part.. it is..  I don't want to be a filler for a hole left by someone else.. or something else.  I still have holes in my soul.. painful memories that I never want to relive.. but I am reminded from time to time. I don't want to need anyone.. I've made that mistake before.

I spent some time with my daughters yesterday... and enjoyed visiting with them. I also spent time talking with a friend that uplifted my spirits somewhat.. I think that sometimes.. we have certain revelations about ourselves without realizing it.. I am glad for the nice times I have in my life.. but I still hold on to my darkness.. it's a warm, comfortable darkness for me... I don't have to worry about being hurt.. but I can still let a little light in on occasion just for a little while.. and be a little happy. I still worry about my friends.. I still am concerned for all of the crap that they are going through.. and I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix things.. making sure that they won't endure the same pain that I went through.. but it might be too late for that.. at least for a bit of the pain.. Our problem is.. we want to trust people ... it's in our nature to want to do that.. so when we give a little.. sometimes it's difficult  to stop the avalanche of emotions that you feel building up behind that. I am still solid on what I believe.. on how I view the future.. for no more reason that I choose to be that way...

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