Gone for good.

Life keeps going.. people keep living.. but very few things actually change.  I can't describe how I feel other than to say I don't want to be needy.. I am trying to get my independence.. and sometimes it seems so far away. I wonder how many times I will allow myself to slip and actually feel a little something.. knowing that with all the uncertainties of life, things are destined to turn out bad.  I am still certain that I couldn't take another crash.. but I believe that a lot of people keep looking at this blog.. just to try to see the evolution of my healing.. I want to believe in things.. and people.. but I seem to only be able to do that for a short time.. before wondering how ignorant I actually am. Most people don't even believe in themselves.. I even have a hard time believing in me.. why would I perpetuate anything that would lead someone to actually try to believe in me. ...I want things.. I feel things.. I desire things... but throughout it all I am certain anything I touch is doomed for failure.  It's very difficult to move forward with anything... when you've been blinded.. and are just feeling your way through it. I have no idea what people want from me.. but I'm hesitant to believe that I can provide what anyone needs. It may be a lack of self confidence.. it may be low self-esteem.. but I am leaning toward fear.. I'm afraid to trust... Most people tend to lie to themselves.. not meaning to of course.. but  it happens anyway.  I'm a realist.. I realize that things will be a certain way.. whether I want them to or not.. the days of me being a dreamer.. have faded away almost into nothingness.. I doubt I'll ever find that person again. I think he's gone for good.