So I will sit... and wait.

I feel like my life is back in slow motion again... waiting for something to happen.. my job.. is leading the top of that list at the moment.. I have to go in shortly.. but I really don't want to.. it's Saturday.. overtime..  but it IS good money.. I have been feeling like my job will be phased out due to budget cuts.. now more than ever.. and where will that put me if it does.. I'm not certain on that.. but I need to keep my options open.  If I can get another 17 months where I am now.. then they will be required to find us work.. I am just wondering how long that will last.  I am not adverse to the idea of moving wherever I need to move in order to keep a job.. I only wish things were a bit more stable. ...but it seems like my life has always been a bit unstable.  On a positive note.. I got an iPad for my oldest daughter.. and now she can give her netbook to my 9 yr. old.  I also got myself a new laptop.. I suppose I just need to feel like all this overtime is worth something.  It is difficult to work for months.. without anything to show for it except a chunk of cash... my next expenditure will come later in the year.. if I don't get laid off.. I plan on taking a cruise.. I had already planned on being on one.. or taking an overnight train ride from Chicago to New Orleans.. but those plans fell through. I want to be bluntly honest.. I really have trust issues.. and any time that I want to allow people into my life.. I feel as though there is a motive behind why they are trying to get closer to me... I can't help it anymore.. I spent too much time with someone who caused me to become neurotically suspicious... I suppose it was because she knew how she felt.. and figured everyone else felt the same... It serves no purpose to hide how we feel about someone from them.. because it will eventually come out anyway.. My blog.. is totally honest about my feelings.. my thoughts... I have severe trust issues... and although there is a part of me that wish things were different.. I really don't see it ever changing.. I really don't know if I will allow myself to trust again due to my past mistakes... Life keeps changing.. and we keep trudging along.. but there is little solace in my situation.. I feel as though I'm still missing a huge chunk of who I was at one time.. and I am certain I can't get that back.. I sometimes just want to go to sleep.. and wake up in a month.. or 6 months.. or whenever it is that I am supposed to "heal"  ...I try to think about things.. to make myself do things I feel might help my attitude.. but in almost all cases.. I end up feeling more concerned for the way things are.. I'm married.. most of the people I talk to are in other parts of the country that I won't ever move to.. unless I'm required to by my job.  So.. where does the ending point lie.. I have two daughters.. and won't uproot them unless again.. my job takes me that direction.. What is the point in thinking that I might have something special with someone even if our feelings took us in that direction.. Here I go again.. always thinking about the future.. I just know that if I don't.. and I were to slip in my thinking.. it would eventually be headed for a life change that probably won't happen.. Yes.. I'm going to leave my house.. but I really don't want to move away from where my daughters can visit me as often as they need .. or want to..Life has a direction planned for me.. whether it is here.. or in the south.. or north.. or even the west coast.. I follow what I'm able to do. I choose not to plan my life with the knowledge that things I do will put more of a strain on myself..  So.. I will sit... and wait.