Now I'm paying for that

Sick... a few hours sleep.. cramping.. frequent trips to the bathroom.. crabby.. I think I got my daughter's virus... been in a really pissy mood too.. It started out as irritated.. but then was compounded by the.. "whatever /fuck you"  ...anyone who knows me.. and has read this knows that whatever = fuck you ...in my book.. so for someone to use it.. a few times.. makes me much more than mildly irritated.. It's okay though.. I have found out that no matter what... I still won't ever be able to trust even the closest of my friends... it's just not in me anymore.. no matter the circumstances.. and the freaky part.. is .. I still really don't care. I thought I did.. and I suppose I just started giving the little push.. to help the person distance themselves from me... I do that with a lot of people..  No matter where a person thinks they stand in my life... I keep myself somewhat emotionally detached.. just in case they decide to ease out of my world.. I sort of felt bad about it at first.. but now I don't really feel much of anything...  it's pretty easy to numb myself now.. I've had so much practice at it.

I've opened up my page.. and let anyone who frequents a certain site... have access to it.. just because.. I am not going to hide who I am...  People see the superficial me all the time.. the one who jokes around.. and doesn't take things seriously.... The rest of the time.. my mind is working all kinds of scenarios about what will happen and when.. I am filled with doubt whenever I meet anyone.. not being able to accept anything other than ultimately.. they will move on with their life.. and then I'll have to try to fill the hole they left.. that's why no one gets to take up too much space.. I don't have room for another large hole.. I am feeling better occasionally.. when I can put on my mask and pretend to be this confident and even somewhat arrogant knowing person that I put on display... but usually something will happen that sends me crashing back down...  is it because I'm a Gemini? .. I put little faith on actual astrology.. and horoscopes.. but it's an interesting pastime.  I love to banter back and forth.. it's almost an addiction.. My outlook on the future remains bleak.. but I won't let that stop me from trying to achieve some degree of normalcy every once in awhile.  It's amazing how we will let one event change our lives so much.. I suppose that I just invested too much of myself in the wrong person... and now I'm paying for that..