Under my Hat

I've always said this.. and I still firmly believe.. that a person isn't how they appear.. but who they are on the inside... people will spend so much time trying to alter their appearance... for what?  ...are they not satisfied with themselves?  Are they trying to impress someone?  I don't have a clue.. but what makes me sit up and take notice of someone.. is their ability to see people for who they really are.  Anyone can disguise themselves for a short period of time.. either in the way they look.. or the way they act... but that doesn't change who that person is on the inside. I guess what I'm trying to say is that deep down.. everyone has insecurities.. and everyone has faults.. and one person's imperfections isn't that much different than another person's. I accept my friends for who they are.. I don't like people to pretend to be something they are not.. nor do I like them to hide behind lies or falsehoods they dredge up to cover their actions...

I think that some people may misinterpret some of my posts.. but that's okay.. I know what I mean... I have said that you never really get over anyone.. or anything of significance in your life.. you just learn to live with it.. and after awhile it gets to be tolerable again.. but we all have people that come into and move out of our lives.  Some of those people.. when they leave.. take a chunk of you out with them and you're left with a hole.. over time.. people just get used to the hole being there. It's not like you can ever get that piece of yourself back.. That's why if a person isn't careful.. they can end up with very little left of themselves. I am not at that point.. and there are many people out there who have been through much more than I have.  I only hope that they can stop their habit of falling into the same routine over and over before they wake up one day.. and most of who they are.. is gone.  I left the online world as far as flirtships and affairs...

We all like to feel like we have control over our life.. but there are only certain things you can control.  The rest of it is something we have to sit back and accept.. or ride it out.  People aren't always going to do the best thing for you.. most everyone is out for themselves.. now. that's not saying that if in the process you don't get benefit.. that things won't happen there also..  A person cannot live their life though.. trying to please everyone.. or really trying to be accepted by anyone... and everyone. Most everyone has self-esteem issues for the most part.. and are easily manipulated by the first slick-talking person to come their way.  I have seen it time and again... and people choose not to learn from it.. and let it happen over and over. If you are going to believe in anyone.. believe in yourself.  If you can't be happy with yourself.. and who you are.. who else is going to be?  ...and if you're not happy with who you are.. change it.. it's...

I should have been a chef... I love to cook.. I might not be able to cook a whole lot of dishes.. but that's because I've never really tried to learn them.. but the ones I can cook.. Yum.. I do them very well.. I just added Hush puppies to my stable of dishes tonight.. and I like them better than any restaurant I've ever eaten.. of course I did cheat a bit.. I used a mix...still they came out perfect. I enjoy experimenting with food... just to see what tastes I can come up with.. if I were rich.. I think I'd like to have a cafe... and just play around in it.. and then open it up with the specials of the day.. no set menu... just what I felt like cooking. I know it won't happen.. but hey!.. I can dream. Speaking of dreaming.. my dreams are no longer erotic in nature.. and haven't been for a very long time... at one time.. that would trouble me.. but I am perfectly fine with it.. given my ideology. I was approached for advice recently.. and my advice always is.. g...

Freezing rain this morning.. started off and tried to make it.. got 3 miles from work.. and my car wouldn't pull a hill.. so I got it out of the way and tried to make it to work with someone else.. and his car went into a ditch.. well.. so did about 9 others.. and one person even hit a house.. so it was slick as snot. I had a long day in the dorms trying to keep the students from killing themselves on the ice outside.. as everyone wanted to play in it.. ...until one guy split open the skin above his eye. I thought at first he would need stitches.. but it all worked out... thank God we didn't have to try to get him to a hospital.. at least the other students on center seemed to tone it down a bit at least.. after that. I know I'm not on the sites.. there is a reason for that.. as I've stated many times in the past.. I have learned my lesson well.. I know that nothing is real there.. and those people that keep going back.. and letting themselves slip into the notion tha...

Most people have an agenda... I truly believe that.. yet some people can run into others.. time and again.. and never figure this out... it's like they're a glutton for punishment. I don't instinctively trust others.. I might have at one time.. but life has shown me at almost every turn.. that you can't.  There are even times when I am not certain I trust myself. We all have the capability of hurting someone else.. even if we don't intentionally want to.  Most people will do what they feel they can get away with. I say a lot of things here in my blog.. but my messages sometimes try to drill into people's heads what I am all about... I don't think I write in cryptic prose... but perhaps I am not as direct as I thought I was... We all do things that we know we shouldn't do... and it's so easy to justify things in our minds.. we can come up with many excuses.. and they sound perfectly plausible.. but if we have to start justifying things.. that should g...

Most of us don't think about what we do sometimes.. but I think everyone has a degree of self-consciousness.. We try to pose for the camera.. we try to say things that we think people want to hear.. I think most people just seek recognition and acceptance.  I guess I might have a degree of that.. but I try to overcome those limitations.. I'm proud of who I am.. because it's me.. the only time I am ashamed of how I am.. or what I look like... is when I have let myself go.. or when I choose to be someone else... I think everyone has a wonderful person trapped inside of them.. and there are several people who have let that person show most often.. but everyone tends to let someone else show on occasion.. some people show that so often.. that they actually forget who they really are.  I say this to everyone.. either be proud of who you are.. or change.. the choice is always yours.   Those people who can be themselves.. are the ones I can consider friends.. those that can't....

Today is a new day... the past is gone.. and can't be changed... I have already gone through that.. but "today is a new day" seems like a very good mantra.. I will try to live as untainted as I can by all the things I've done.. and all the things that have been done to me.  I will make the best decisions I can.. and do what I feel is right.  Will I be able to keep this up every day?  probably not.. but I can only work on one day at a time.. and today is what I am concerned about.. when it is over and done.. I will do my best not to worry about it either.  I think that people worry entirely too much.  I am working on me.. I even started in the tub.. For awhile.. I would lift myself up out of the tub by my stomach muscles.. and hold it until the water drained.. very sore on the abdomen.. but I can feel the muscles tensing up.. so I did that again this morning.. and held it for a few minutes.. it seemed somewhat difficult.. as I don't do that like I did at one time...

Spent the day with my Dad today.. not the best of days.. but not the worst either... he asked me if I was sick.. said I had lost a lot of weight.. I hope I don't look sick... but I think he was just concerned.  I got my hair cut today.. and I shaved my beard and mustache yesterday.. Too cold to think about going bald at the moment.. but perhaps later in the season..  we shall see. I see how lonesome Dad is.. it's like he's trying to find a purpose.. without Mom.. and he's not really succeeding.. he spends a lot of his free time at my grandmother's.. she said she doesn't think she has much longer.. and being 96 yrs old.. I'm sort of inclined to agree with her.. we visited her last weekend.. and she is very frail now.. going way downhill quickly.... but we all are just allotted so much time.. and most of us squander it away on things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I got to thinking about when I was young.. I would do things extraordinary....

Every person is different.. we all have our ideas of what is healthy.. and what is not.. I may choose to live my life in a way ...or think in a way that others feel is wrong.. but I cannot tell you how to live.. just as you can't tell me.. That's what makes the world a decent place to live.. I don't require people to be a part of my world.. and if you put that requirement on someone in your life.. then you have not become as independent as you think you might be. Just because I have ideas that are not the most popular.. only makes me different.. I am not saying what I am right or wrong for others to follow.. I only do what is right for me... Each person needs to find themselves.. just as I have spent so long trying to find me.  I have been told that everyone needs certain things in their lives.. okay.. so I concede.. that I need food.. shelter.. clothing.. sleep.. some sense of purpose.. the rest of it is just the icing on the cake.  I enjoy having friends.. I enjoy playing...

I was thinking about not blogging for awhile... just to see what would happen.. but then I got to thinking about that... and realized that I really don't care who looks at what is going on inside my head... and I don't want to keep it rattling around in there.  I enjoy just sitting down occasionally and spilling my guts.  I do it for me.. and not for anyone else... so I'll continue to do so.... if someone doesn't want to hear what I have to say.. they don't have to come here. This place is only for me to put down my thoughts... and for those that actually care about what's going on with me.. the rest of you probably think this akin to a soap opera.. trying to figure out how it's all going to turn out...   well...  I really don't have a clue myself.. but I will try to remain as honest as I can about who I am.. and what I am thinking. I took the day off today.. call it a "mental health" day if you will.. it will make this a long weekend.. plus ...

It looks like I've won my grievance... My outstanding rating is going to stand. I think it's because I had the balls to stand up for myself.  A few other people at the center had their evals lowered, but refused to do anything about it.... I think they just didn't want to make waves... I really didn't want to do that either.. but I refuse to accept an evaluation lower than what I deserve.  I have let too many people run over me in my past... and with my attitude of putting me first, I have to watch out for me... In any case, it seems this time it paid off. It wasn't even about an monetary award... but it seems as though I'm going to be getting one of those too. I am just grateful to be acknowledged for the extra effort I do.  I think that's mostly what any of us want.. to know people appreciate the effort we give... it's in human nature to seek approval... I'm no different than anyone else in that. Icy weather has been moving through here the last ...

I'm thinking this is going to be a week of Mondays... I am doing all my stuff I normally do at work.. and now.. as my manager is actually  my assistant manager doing two jobs as well.. and since he is out with the flu... I have my job.. and his two jobs that I am trying to do....on top of that, because the flu is hitting our center pretty hard now... Our IT guy seemed to be coming down with it yesterday.. so I am hoping that I won't have that position to cover as well. Oh well, when it rains.. it pours. I think that most people would read my blog and think that I hate people in general.. In all actuality,  I don't hate anyone...but once a person becomes a destructive force in my life... I avoid having that person in any significant role.  I don't understand what makes some people think they can actually do something to someone else online... I've become aware that it seems to give some people power that they don't actually have in their own lives.  ...again.. ...

I believe that everyone has some great qualities in them.... I also believe that everyone has some horrible qualities as well.  The problem with most people is that they choose to let those horrible qualities show through from time to time... myself included. I have never tried to tell anyone how they should live.. although when people ask my opinion.. I give it. Sometimes I might throw my opinion out there even if it is unsolicited. For the most part, I distance myself from everyone...letting only a few people fairly close to me. I don't tell those other people to go away... but it seems that's what most people feel like.  I have tried to become a literal person.  I've already said that I'm working to avoid the passive aggressiveness in my life.  If you are going to hint at something and hope that I catch on... I might ... but I refuse to acknowledge it... just as I refuse to hint at anything for anyone else.  If I mean something... then I have become the type ...

It really is a shame that people can't be themselves. Everyone has to dance the dance in order to keep people happy.. and when they make a misstep.. then all hell breaks loose and accusations fly. Well.. I'm not dancing... and I refuse to be a part of any of it.  I live my life.. and I do my own thing.. and when someone encroaches on my peace of mind.. I'm going to walk away from it. I was about to say that it is nothing personal.. but really it is.. I have few people in my life that I trust.. and I refuse to let others in it by proxy.  I really don't care about many people.. and I cannot let my life get sucked into the drama.  It is soooo easy to do.  I have no business telling my friends what they can or cannot do.. but those people who know me well enough know that I feel like most things are bullshit..  If someone wants to live their life stuck in the bullshit.. then they're welcome to it.  I won't support it though.. and as I've said in the past.. you...

Integrity... I've posted a few posts on it.. and I firmly believe.. integrity is not only determined on our actions... for the most part.. but about as much on our ability to realize our transgressions.. and learn from them. I know I've done many things that I shouldn't have done.. and I can't change that.. but several things I would have handled differently.  Most everything would still have the same outcome.. and when I say thing would have been handled differently.. I don't mean that I wouldn't push people out of my life.. I still would.. I just might have been more direct and more tactful at it.  I am where I am.. because I want to avoid the drama.. and for the most part.. I have leaned toward a completely drama-free life.  I suppose that's the biggest advantage to not having a relationship.  I also understand that certain people tend to gravitate toward drama... and I don't want that to be me. We all have an idea of how we want our lives to run.. an...

So... life is about.. hurry up and wait.. The cutbacks at centers have begun... but it will take a little time.. rumor has it that we are slated to close.. but again.. nothing is substantial.  It says it will take at least 6 months to close a center.... and we won't know anything until at least 30 days.. so if all goes well.. I should have 7 - 8 months before I will be heading to another state. I have always worked... except for a 3 month stint of unemployment... and frequent layoffs at a job in the 90's but they were only for a few weeks at a time. The jobs are always out there.. IF you are willing to go to where they are... most people aren't comfortable in leaving the location they are accustomed to being.  I look at all the homeless people in the major northern cities... the ones that nearly freeze in the winter... and all I can think is.. move!! ....I know.. I know most don't have a car.. and wouldn't have any place to sleep at night on the road... ummmmmm.. TH...

Finally... the government has released criteria for closing centers... and it's about time... and as I said to several people.. they are going to take the past 5 years' performance into consideration. Our center has not been doing very well in all the criteria that I see listed. I don't want to see any of my coworkers lose their job... but I'm very relieved to finally not be waiting for it to close.  I figured it was just a matter of time. ...and as usual.. I seem to be right about most of what's taking place. I am polishing up my resume and tweaking my computer skills in the time I have left. I seem to irritate some people when they bring up conversations.. but it's my understanding that if they bring up topics which they know I am not prone to discuss.. they might not like my comments.  I am not trying to be mean.. nor am I trying to upset anyone... but I will put forth my opinion.. as it is just that.  If you don't want my opinion on something.. it'...

Classes are back into swing.. or getting there anyway.  Life is still the same otherwise... not much changes with people unless they want it to change.  Most people don't want to hear the truth.  They would rather stick their head in the sand and pretend that everything is okay.  My outlook is.. if you don't know what is happening.. or has happened.. then you set yourself up to be blindsided.. and life is tough enough without the extra surprises.  I remember being this naive person... slowly evolving into what I am now.. It has been a long slow process.. and I'm certain that I will continue to grow and change my attitudes to a certain degree.. but I seriously doubt that it will be in any other direction besides where my thoughts are geared toward now.  I am done with deep emotional relationships.. so that won't be an influential factor in my life..  I know that people seem to think that I don't know a lot about their situation.. and they're right... ev...

Do you ever wonder what is going on inside someone else's head... we can rarely know exactly what someone else is thinking.. and rarer still.. their outlook on situations.. because most people tend to try to be or say.. what they think other people want.  Most everyone has lost the ability to be their own person... It is sad that communication is lacking.. because most people choose to avoid conflict. The problem with living to avoid conflict.. is that we lose ourselves in the process.  It becomes a person's second nature to be agreeable.. just for the sake of agreeing.. I hope I never get to that point.  I have pissed several people off.. some even probably believe that I am just argumentative.. because I can be.. My issue is that I feel that if a person cannot speak their mind.. and live how they truly feel.. then they're fake.. and I really don't want anything to do with them.  I am fine with people disagreeing with me.. I enjoy a civil debate.. and even if o...

I put my thoughts here for two reasons.. one.. it helps me to get them out... two.. it gives the people in my life some insight into what goes through my mind.  I have found out that the more open a person is.. and honest.. the less a person can be accused of having some sort of motive.  I don't understand how people can be dishonest... and expect things not to fall apart.  I chat with just a few people... and even those people know that I am going to say things that they might not want to hear.  ...if they don't like that, they can kiss my ass. I think I am starting to rub off on a few of them.. Maybe cynicism is contagious.. I don't care if it is.. it is much more realistic than most other viewpoints.. I have been thinking about my past... and the more I think about things.. the more I realize.. I was never in love... I couldn't have been.. love lasts..  and I don't want any of these people in my life anymore.. not knowing all the things they are capable of....

I started playing World of Warcraft early this morning.. but the world server just crashed.. and I found myself not really involved in anything else.. so.. I'm blogging.  I suppose at times.. we all have ideas that we want to get out.. and most of the time.. my ideas seem all negative.. but I'm not a completely negative person.. even if I am completely cynical.. there is a difference.  I think that positive things can happen.  ...but I won't allow them to influence my life.  I would figure that anyone with much experience at all.. would belong to the same mindset as I am.  Of course that would mean actually facing your inner demons...   I don't choose to be involved in a relationship.. and I won't.. it's not because I have anything against anyone.  I am this way.. because I want to be.  I will not allow anyone to have that much control over my happiness.. mainly because I refuse to trust anyone that much.  I will have friends.. and the friend...

“Affection would not be affection if it was loudly and frequently expressed; to produce it in public is like getting your household furniture out for a move. It did very well in its place, but it looks shabby or tawdry or grotesque in the sunshine.” - CS Lewis That's another quote that I ran across.. again from CS Lewis.  I made a mistake in discussing him.. and was thinking of Sinclair Lewis who wrote Alice In Wonderland.  I thought I recalled him being under the influence of drugs.. but as I said.. I made a mistake.. it happens.. just not very often ;)   What I take this to mean... I am all for PDA.. public displays of affection for those of you not familiar with the term.. but I've run across people out in public who are all but fornicating in front of everyone. I always tried to walk hand-in-hand with someone I cared about..  a kiss in public is definitely something I wouldn't have a problem with.. but as the quote says.. once it passes a certain level.. it's...

“As Venus within Eros does not really aim at pleasure, so Eros does not aim at happiness. We may think he does, but when he is brought to the test it proves otherwise... For it is the very mark of Eros that when he is in us we had rather share unhappiness with the Beloved than be happy on any other terms.”  This quote.. by C.S. Lewis got me to thinking.. If someone truly loves another.. then it withstands the hard times.. the unhappiness.. I think that too many times.. people think love exists... and too many times, it turns out that just a little unhappiness... or doubt.. or confusion breaks it all apart.  This isn't anything substantial.  It is just what we've talked ourselves into believing is "love"  ...what my interpretation of this is that we expect all too much from relationships.. aiming for something that will keep us happy.  The fact of the matter is.. that if there is anything lasting.. then it becomes substantial in itself.. and only time will sho...

So I realize I'm a realistic, pessimistic, egomaniac.  ...and I'm okay with that... This doesn't mean I am down about it... it doesn't mean I'm even sad about my life.. disappointed at times.. but I figure everyone is to a point.  I believe that people are basically evil. Maybe not completely evil.. but perhaps.. egocentric. That's why I have chosen to join them.. I think everyone is looking out for number one.  I have a tendency to question anyone and everyone.. "What's in it for you?"  ...that tends to run through my mind a lot.  I figure that people can do nice things.. but for the most part, it is so they can justify some of the other things they can do.  I had a discussion not too long ago about the sites.. and what they are.  If you are a couple on a site... you are there mainly for the audience... because you can do everything you post there.. in private.  If you are a woman on the sites.. you are hoping to find a guy to bang you after ful...

Maybe I'm not quite as cynical... as I am paranoid... I keep thinking that any time now... life is going to bite me in the ass.. and not in the good way either.  I suppose I am just conditioned to think that things are going to knock me backwards when everything is running smoothly.  I don't know if I call my life "smooth" exactly, but I am not running into any difficult times at the moment.  Does this mean I thrive on drama?  Of course, not... but I've grown used to expecting it at most turns  ....so much so, that things don't seem normal without it. Actually my life has been somewhat drama free for several months now..  or maybe I'm just so adjusted to it.. that I don't notice the everyday drama any more.  My life conditions haven't changed so much.. my living conditions are still the same... my job situation is no different.. Maybe I'm just adjusted to my maladjusted life.  I would hate to think that my life will always be this way.. but I a...

Uggghhh... somebody just kill me.. please... I never recalled how much I hated mornings until this morning.. my kids are back in school and I am now not only having to be awake at 5 am.. I have to get moving and get done before 5:45.  The problem with that isn't that I can't do it.. but for the past 2 weeks... I've not had to be up until 6... and even though I get up earlier.. I can let my body adjust..  My body is revolting on me.. looks like an energy drink morning... good thing I got a 4 pack of Monster Absolute Zero from one of my daughters... the other.. got me a belt... which was 4 inches too long.. but we got that exchanged and all is well on that front. So... here I sit... confused by the dream I had last night... I was in a room laying with someone.. and it's someone I had sex with at one time....  and on another bed in the room was another person I had sex with... and both of them were trying to get me to go be with someone else.. and I refused ....as I movi...

Happy New Year Everyone!!  ....I guess it's time to begin anew... and try to put aside our past... notice I didn't say forget our past.  I think that's part of my problem.  I want to pretend that things didn't happen.  I went as far as trying to eradicate everything from my email... but the strangest thing happened.  I set up Microsoft Outlook with my gmail account.. and it took all night for the account to sync to my computer.. and EVERY FREAKIN' email I had.. deleted or not.. downloaded to my computer.  I spent several hours today sorting through it all.. and I still am not done.. but I've got all the pictures,,, the emails.. back from 2009. I even skimmed through a few of them.. and for the life of me.. it's even more difficult to understand how people can say such things and even less than a week later.. do a complete 180 degree turn around.  I think that most of the conversations would amaze everyone.. but I'll never share them with anyone... I'...