Forgive.. But Not Forget.

Most people have an agenda... I truly believe that.. yet some people can run into others.. time and again.. and never figure this out... it's like they're a glutton for punishment. I don't instinctively trust others.. I might have at one time.. but life has shown me at almost every turn.. that you can't.  There are even times when I am not certain I trust myself. We all have the capability of hurting someone else.. even if we don't intentionally want to.  Most people will do what they feel they can get away with. I say a lot of things here in my blog.. but my messages sometimes try to drill into people's heads what I am all about... I don't think I write in cryptic prose... but perhaps I am not as direct as I thought I was... We all do things that we know we shouldn't do... and it's so easy to justify things in our minds.. we can come up with many excuses.. and they sound perfectly plausible.. but if we have to start justifying things.. that should give us a hint there.. that whatever action it was.. was wrong.. or inappropriate.  All I can do is say I'm sorry for the times that I've transgressed against what I knew to be wrong.. I said previously.. I can't change the past.. but I can sure as hell keep from making the same mistakes again and again.  I have people in my life I call friends.. and part of me wonders... why? I suppose those friends are forgiving and trying to forget my shortcomings.. I am certain I am harder on myself than they are on me... but as things are the way they are.. I just have to live with it.. I forgive those that have screwed me over.. I just never forget.. I suppose I should try to forgive myself as well.. but, again.. I'll never forget.. I know I make mistakes.. there are times when  I'm just out and out.. wrong.. I bet most of you don't get to hear me say that often, huh.  For what it's worth.. this just means I am human.  I do sometimes wish things were different.. but I can't change a lot of what is.. I can change my actions.. but not the way I basically feel about things.. I cannot make myself trust people.. I cannot make myself trust in relationships.. and I am not going to try.  People in my life have to accept me as I am.. good or bad.. it all comes in one lump sum... Will I lie to get things?... that's an interesting question.. I know I have lied.. I think we all have at times.. but most of the times that I have lied.. I have lied to myself....and occasionally that lie spreads on to others and affects them.  We all have a tendency to do that... lie to ourselves.. about what our purposes are.. what we are looking for.. who other people are.. we don't mean to do it with malice.. we just find an ounce of hope.. and try to cling to that.  When you trust someone.. you open yourself up to a world of hurt.. and the more trust you put in them.. the more you can be devastated... I have a varying degree of trust for a people in my life.. but I will never trust anyone else completely.  I've even learned not to completely trust myself.. because I probably have hurt me as bad.. or worse than anyone on the planet.. I will try to forgive.. but not forget.