Follow My Head.. Not My Heart.
Uggghhh... somebody just kill me.. please... I never recalled how much I hated mornings until this morning.. my kids are back in school and I am now not only having to be awake at 5 am.. I have to get moving and get done before 5:45. The problem with that isn't that I can't do it.. but for the past 2 weeks... I've not had to be up until 6... and even though I get up earlier.. I can let my body adjust.. My body is revolting on me.. looks like an energy drink morning... good thing I got a 4 pack of Monster Absolute Zero from one of my daughters... the other.. got me a belt... which was 4 inches too long.. but we got that exchanged and all is well on that front.
So... here I sit... confused by the dream I had last night... I was in a room laying with someone.. and it's someone I had sex with at one time.... and on another bed in the room was another person I had sex with... and both of them were trying to get me to go be with someone else.. and I refused ....as I moving back and forth from bed to bed.. talking to them both... but not sexual in any way... The kicker is... neither of them looked like the short list of people I have ever had sex with.... not even remotely... I woke up in the middle of my discussion.. and thought.. "who the hell were those people..." ...strange dream.
This week at work I'm in charge of my vocational department... where I am not permanently in charge, I cannot require anyone to do anything.. but I'm gonna try to use my diplomatic skills to get my fellow instructors to help out in the dorms today.. I've already got two signed up for this morning... and hopefully will be able to get 2 more for this afternoon and 2 more for Friday... that's all our dept. has to cover. I am still waiting for any long-term decisions about our center to be made... and since Congress has pushed off spending cuts for another 2 months... I'm still in limbo as far as anything employment related is going. I did see where there are some changes in the Federal Code concerning our program.. but I'm still not certain what that entails... as most of it is written in legalese.. and is buried in the 12 - 13 page document. Politics can be so nasty sometimes.. that's why I'd never become a politician.
Oh... I hit my target weight... 40 pounds in a month.. and the strange part is... I am not starving myself... I'm just not quite as gluttonous as I once was... so maybe I'm getting a handle on one of the other 7 deadly sins.. All I can do is tackle them one at a time. I really am not pressed to make any major changes very quickly anyway... what's the point.. I can deal with things in my own time... and maybe... just maybe.. I will have my life to the point where I am actually proud to be me... before I separate from my spouse.. I know that is going to kick my ass enough.. and I have had self-esteem issues for a long time.. that's why I almost use this blog as a pep talk for myself. I am no longer focused on anyone else but myself.. or at least I try not to be.. I figure that I should stand responsible for my actions.. and if others choose to interact with who I am.. and what I want to be.. great.. if not.. that's good too. I cannot believe in anyone else ...but I can believe in me... in order to do that.. I have to continue to maintain who I am.. and keep my compromises at a minimum. I know I have had a few setbacks emotionally but my problem is I tried to make sense of them.. and that is ignorant... people don't make sense sometimes.. I have to keep adjusting as I always have.. and live with the outcome. Even though I still have issues with this... I try to follow my head.. not my heart.
So... here I sit... confused by the dream I had last night... I was in a room laying with someone.. and it's someone I had sex with at one time.... and on another bed in the room was another person I had sex with... and both of them were trying to get me to go be with someone else.. and I refused ....as I moving back and forth from bed to bed.. talking to them both... but not sexual in any way... The kicker is... neither of them looked like the short list of people I have ever had sex with.... not even remotely... I woke up in the middle of my discussion.. and thought.. "who the hell were those people..." ...strange dream.
This week at work I'm in charge of my vocational department... where I am not permanently in charge, I cannot require anyone to do anything.. but I'm gonna try to use my diplomatic skills to get my fellow instructors to help out in the dorms today.. I've already got two signed up for this morning... and hopefully will be able to get 2 more for this afternoon and 2 more for Friday... that's all our dept. has to cover. I am still waiting for any long-term decisions about our center to be made... and since Congress has pushed off spending cuts for another 2 months... I'm still in limbo as far as anything employment related is going. I did see where there are some changes in the Federal Code concerning our program.. but I'm still not certain what that entails... as most of it is written in legalese.. and is buried in the 12 - 13 page document. Politics can be so nasty sometimes.. that's why I'd never become a politician.
Oh... I hit my target weight... 40 pounds in a month.. and the strange part is... I am not starving myself... I'm just not quite as gluttonous as I once was... so maybe I'm getting a handle on one of the other 7 deadly sins.. All I can do is tackle them one at a time. I really am not pressed to make any major changes very quickly anyway... what's the point.. I can deal with things in my own time... and maybe... just maybe.. I will have my life to the point where I am actually proud to be me... before I separate from my spouse.. I know that is going to kick my ass enough.. and I have had self-esteem issues for a long time.. that's why I almost use this blog as a pep talk for myself. I am no longer focused on anyone else but myself.. or at least I try not to be.. I figure that I should stand responsible for my actions.. and if others choose to interact with who I am.. and what I want to be.. great.. if not.. that's good too. I cannot believe in anyone else ...but I can believe in me... in order to do that.. I have to continue to maintain who I am.. and keep my compromises at a minimum. I know I have had a few setbacks emotionally but my problem is I tried to make sense of them.. and that is ignorant... people don't make sense sometimes.. I have to keep adjusting as I always have.. and live with the outcome. Even though I still have issues with this... I try to follow my head.. not my heart.
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