Under my Hat

For what purpose do people want to cause conflict... or drama.. even at work, there is so much drama in my life at the moment.. and so much crap going on.. it used to be a place I could go to.. to just get away from the staleness of my life at home. Now... it seems as though everyone is turning on everyone else. I probably won't take the supervisor position, even though yesterday I was approached about being the only one locally who really would qualify for it.  sure.. it would be a 9k raise.. but I'd have to go back to a trial period.. and I really don't want a position that could open me up to be a scapegoat for the problems occurring on center.  That being said, I also don't believe the center will be there much longer.. of course I could be wrong... I have been mistaken several times... I got a spam mail from someone who I would have thought dropped me off their email contact list a long time ago.. this person was never even someone I was involved with. I informed...

Have you ever noticed that it is impossible to remove yourself completely from the drama. I am fighting  with great difficulty not to know about things from my past... and it seems to seek me out anyway.  I will repeat this here.. I don't want to know about things from a site I chose to leave.  I don't go there anymore for a reason.  There are times when I feel like breaking the few ties I have left so I don't hear any more about how inadequate I am. The relationships that go on there.... are not real.. each interaction is just another in a line of people that will eventually go their own way... I am somewhat of a bastard to those people that have walked away from me.. because I can't deal with the constant reminder of them being around.. showing me how I wasn't as good as the person they are going to next... or the one after.. I always seem to know...or find out things.. even when I go to great lengths not to know.. Well fine.. I already guess what seems to happen....

Yesterday was definitely a Monday... I was very busy most of the day.. and I found out that my supervisor has accepted another job elsewhere... another in a growing list of people who are jumping ship.  I would almost apply for his position if I thought the center was going to stay there.. at least until it bumped me up to a GS-11. Then I could seek employment elsewhere, myself. I enjoy teaching too much though.. it's a difficult decision.  Just another thing for me to ponder... added to the pile of things that already consume much of my brainpower these days. Tomorrow is my 2 year anniversary officially with the government. I will be getting a step increase in salary.. only if just a little bit.. at least it's something.  I need to work diligently to get things wrapped up in the next 3 weeks.. before my supervisor heads out...  I really dread having to train another one. Currently, my boss knows that I can take care of my area.. well... actually I've gotten it to th...

When I read over some of my past blog entries... I feel like I come across as psycho-depressive.  Sure...I'm not as optimistic as I once was... but life tends to do that to people over a period of time.. There really isn't much wrong with me other than having a very cynical viewpoint on life. I don't mean to make it seem like I've been done wrongly.. or that I am never going to function in life.  I know a lot of what I post is about how I am okay.. but I can't stress that enough.  I don't really need much more than I have now.. except maybe a change of scenery with where I am living.  Any one of you who has felt trapped in a room for years and years would probably come across being just as cynical. ...I am not saying I've had it worse off than anyone else.. I'm just saying my experiences have been different... so to judge who I am.. or what I am.. or am not capable of.. is completely unfair.. of course... life is pretty much given to be unfair in the fir...

I am dying.. you're dying.. we all start dying once we are born.. if you think about it that way... it is strange how we would spend our lives trying to torment ourselves any more than necessary.  No one knows how long they've got to live.. any one of us could be gone before the day ends... but to dwell on that would be morbid.. It is Friday.. the end of a VERY long week for me.. I spent the last half of my work day with my students in the small community about 45 miles from the center.. we carried out government commodities for the senior center there... the elderly people seem to be somewhat grateful that we are assisting them... even if it is hot.. and we get a bit sweaty. Statistically speaking they're a lot closer to death than the rest of us. I spent about an hour yesterday in my office with a dead ringer for one of my ex's... it was a little bit freaky... same size.. age.. hair style.. voice.. mannerisms.. the only difference is her hair was slightly lighter.. no...

I think maybe I'm invisible or something... I have to hunt down the inspectors to talk about the changes to my program... because they seemed to overlook my Computer Tech class. They've been to all the other trades... who knows.. maybe it's just going through the motions... in 6 days I will have 2 full years with the government... if I can make it one more... I won't lose all the matching contribution to my retirement.. which at this time is over $10,000.  It just seems I have have so much on my mind these days that I don't take much time to think about my past. ...but my past is still there with me.. everyday I see constant reminders... and I'm not even talking about my failed relationships.. I just see reminders of things in my life when I was naive and happy.. I don't know if I'd want to be naive again if I could... part of me just wants to know things. ...and a big part of me is cynical at the prospect of finding things out....because it almost alway...

I got to thinking about the country song today.. You've got to stand for something... sure.. I may have some screwed up ideas about principles.. but it's ideas that I have to stick to... or I've lost myself. I sometimes make promises that are difficult to keep... or plan on doing things that I don't actually get done... but when I fall short... it has to be about external forces that I cannot control.  Even then, I feel badly when I don't hold to things I have set out to do.. I figure that a person is only as good as their word..  I had said I was leaving last March.. and even with my mom passing... not a day goes by where I feel like I am justified in staying here and living a lie... it puts a greater stress on my whole idea of integrity... even to the point of having a bit of resentment for having to stay here.. I love my daughters very much... don't get me wrong... but there are times when I feel like they'll never know the sacrifices I make for them. I d...

So far so good... waiting on my first set of students to get finished with their testing. I have struck up a conversation with the testing administrator.. She seems very informed about the new changes to the A+. She says they use material from a company called GTR.. so I will have to try it out and see how appropriate it is for our training environment. A lot of my time in the next year can be spent in two ways... I can either  sit and wait to see if my job no longer exists... which is completely wasteful.. or I can continue to work on the current program and do my job.. after all.. it IS what I am paid for.  I will start evaluating material for my class for the new testing changes... and try to get it put into place before next Sept.  ...I know that seems like a long time... but I will have to map the material I procure... to the training achievement records for the students....which will also probably change with the test. I look upon a lot of this as a futile waste of ...

I am in a semi-decent mood today.. not sure why.. maybe it was a decent night's sleep. In any case, I figure because I am feeling so well.. my trip to Nashville today will probably end in chaos.  The evaluation team arrives today.. and leaves on Thursday.. so I am looking to avoid them if possible. I have this trip scheduled for today.. and it just so happens that Thursday is the day my class does community service to help with food commodities.  If I'm lucky, I'll get to avoid them altogether. It isn't that I really am worried about my program... I am just concerned that I will add to the problem once they see how rundown my facilities are... and how lacking in space my trade is. We have several people coming from the home office.. and I just learned yesterday that our home office is in Denver...  There are Regional offices in Milwaukee, Seattle, Atlanta, Philadelphia, Washington DC, and Albuquerque.... not sure where else.. So yesterday.. you would think that I co...

The last couple of nights I've been asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.. then I sleep for just a little while before I wake up in the middle of the night.. and can't sleep.. last night I was up for nearly 3 hours as I lie awake ...kept my eyes shut.. and tried to think of nothing in particular in hopes of going back to sleep. At least it was rest.. not that I've needed a whole lot of that... I really haven't done anything strenuous this whole weekend... unless you account the scorpions I took out while playing World of Warcraft... hey... I could have chipped a nail on the keyboard... I just read where my sis is having a hard time with her oldest just leaving for college... but at least he's close. I figure mine will just be a few years behind... and then I will end up missing them also. My youngest is growing very attached to me.. she hangs out with me in my room.. and we just talk... well.. she talks.. and I just listen.. about all kinds of stuff. I th...

I am trying not to harbor any grudges toward anyone... what is the purpose in that.. other than to annoy and/or upset those people who have chosen to walk away from me. I, myself have said some pretty hurtful things to a wide number of people.  Yes... I'm a passionate person in how I feel.  I had a conversation with someone that told me that maybe I am too... available.. too..attentive.. people see me and want to believe there is something strong in my relationships..  when it's just my ability to show someone attention and to be a doting friend. I suppose I am more available online than anyone else I know.  I don't give people space to actually think about where a relationship is heading.  I feel maybe that I am.. clingy.  I try to take steps to countermand that.. I know in past relationships, I was always there... always reachable.. and I suppose it made it seem like that I was intrusive. I know better than that now.  I was told that I was too depend...

So.. I've been pretty cold to some of my friends lately... realization is kicking in and I cannot believe in words anymore... I don't trust words.. I have hurt a few people who consider themselves my friend... but this is how I am.. I'm still here.. I'm still a sounding board for those that won't to unload their thoughts.. but if you're asking me to put my faith in someone that for the most part.. can say anything they want...and I won't know the difference between what is true or not... or will I know all the secrets they choose to hide from me.. I had a discussion a brief time ago about how we are all different in real life.. I suppose I am too.. I almost have to be.. even though I don't see it.... everyone I've ever met is different in real life than they are online.. I'm not talking about casual friends.. that you just meet in a casual situation.. but ..if you get to know someone very deeply online and then take that offline.. the more you ge...

It's a gloomy Friday... sorta matches a fitting end for this week... it seems the weeks get longer and longer.. There's always so much stuff to do... I'm finding that I don't have the motivation to get a lot of it done. I believe that there is just something in the shadows of my life.. just waiting to jump out at me and smite me down again... that seems to be the norm for me... just when I get settled to the way things are.. Fate shines down and sends my life into topsy-turviness.. whether I try to avoid drama.. or whatever events might take me down the bumpy path...  It has been too quiet in my life for the last bit..  I accidentally clicked on a link yesterday that took me to one of the sites that I used to frequent... and I immediately shut it down... I even went as far as to erase that link.  I am clearing out my IM also... if I don't correspond with someone in a month's time... they are no longer going to be in my list... so.. I'm down to 6 people... we...

Some people believe that they know the best course of action to be happy. There are several problems with that ... happiness isn't universal... it doesn't come naturally for the most part... and what makes some people happy might not make someone else happy... and lastly.. some people really don't care to be happy.  You might ask... "what kind of fool wouldn't want to be happy?"  ....I've found that in order to be happy, it seems the universe has this way of evening things out and making sadness in the same degree of the happiness found... I've been extremely happy... and it's led to extreme sadness... I prefer not to let myself get that happy anymore... not saying I won't have a content life... I believe I can.. and actually will... but I think there is something inside my head now that will not allow me to believe in true happiness... which would be unfair for me to inflict on another relationship...  That's the issue that goes on in my m...

Fear.. is the big motivation for most of us... I am tired of being afraid.. but that doesn't mean I am not being realistic.. I can't put my faith in people for the simple fact that most people have made complete turnarounds from what they say they are.. and feel... just by a simple meeting..  Maybe the meeting wasn't it.. but if not... then it's been a strange coincidence on 3 occasions. I believe that people have the idea of the fantasy they want... and then choose to live that way.. even believing it themselves... they become so wrapped up in their daily activity that they get lost completely in this person they choose to be.  The harsh reality then hits them in the face when they are able to take things into the real world.... and they're not quite totally prepared for it.. It changes their way of thinking about life... "I can't just turn this person ...off ..and then walk away" It causes the ideas inside their heads to bubble to the surface. These ...

I've discovered that people are much more passive than we give them credit for.  Very few people choose to be direct.. but instead.. choose to ignore their part in things in the hopes that conflict will just go away. It's not always a bad thing.. but we cannot see inside the minds of people on the other end.  Mis-communication always exists in some form or another... and where we choose to be only aware of our part in things.. it doesn't always make us right. If you look at things from someone else's angle.. you will almost always see everything completely differently... if you keep an open mind.  It doesn't always pay to keep an open mind though.. because that other person's point of view could be detrimental to our mental well-being. I know that people don't see things the same way as I do.. and even thought it may appear somewhat selfish on my part, I am past the point of putting other people first.  I've done that for too long and wound up sucking it...

A weekend.. just a few days with nothing to do... I am able to just let my mind wander.  There really is evidence to support that I am just a dark person now... but this is my deepest thoughts.. in every day life, I have some other ideas that ramble through my head other than the pit of despair that I exude in my posts here.  This is just a place where I am able to try to deal with those issues that affect my life in such a way that I need to let them out... I think we all have a bright side and a dark side.  Perhaps it's my Gemini nature that make me unique in that way.  I have so much inside me that claws to get out sometime... the part I keep buried from everyday activities. Anyone who sees me out on the street..or in my work environment would never guess there is so much conflict going on inside the professional appearance.  We all hide behind different masks on a day-to-day basis... some of us just choose to internalize our frustrations and hurt... I don't ...

I cannot pretend to know the future.. I am not sure that I really would want to know it...even if I could. Part of living life each day is letting it unfold before us.. I really don't mind being kept in the dark about most of it, but it seems saddening sometimes when I am thinking things are a certain way.. then finding out that things are completely different than I've been led to believe. I know that there are a lot of inconsistencies in this world... and I allot an amount of tolerance for those inconsistencies.. but it gets difficult to deal with things when they change so often...or so suddenly. I shouldn't be surprised.. there is really nothing set in stone.. and it's not like there are many people who want to commit to a certain train of thought. People tend to hate to be locked into a certain situation... or feel like they're trapped.. and it seems as I have done more than my share of trapping.. Even so.. I know better than to have expectations.. that's w...

19 years ago... I was in love... or so I thought.. I had went 4 years without any dating... no companionship whatsoever.. because of my girlfriend in college cheating on me.. with one of my best friends... That hit me very hard... as we were together nearly every day for 2 1/2 years... but as I said.. I was in college.. and my grades were suffering due to the amount of time I invested... I had to stay somewhat more focused on schoolwork to keep from flunking out... so I required to be with my girlfriend less time.. it was then that it happened.. It actually was devastating. When I met my spouse.. she was... very pretty... safe.. and she really liked me.. after getting to know her for over a year.. I realized that she would never be unfaithful to me.. she was.. honest.. and I made the headlong plunge into marriage.. I never recommend marriage without sex first.. she was a virgin.. and I won't get into details.. but let's just say.. she never really seemed to catch on very well t...

So... I had a vividly erotic dream last night... but woke up.. and nothing.. no effect whatsoever.. very odd... but.. pretty much par for the course.. The big thing is.. I'm not as worried about it.. as I am amazed that I didn't wake to "morning wood".  Today has been 4 weeks since I left the sites.. Being perfectly honest, I really am in a much less tense mood... wondering what crap is going to be spread today about who... it really IS like a high school.. or soap opera.. My life will have enough issues with my job situation.. and my divorce.. that I don't need to take on the challenges of having to deal with the drama perpetuated by the sites I frequently visited.. I choose my path... and allow things to be as they are... not as someone else makes them out to be.. Life is pretty much about perception.. If we perceive a situation to be a certain way... If we allow ourselves to believe a certain way... then that will become close enough to reality that it really...

I've been in a funk all day.. nothing to do with my just ended relationship...it's just a mood I'm in.. I think it's PMS... what? ...guys can't get hormonal?...okay .. so it's not PMS.. but I suppose that there is something that is causing my funky mood. I haven't actually determined what it is.. although I have a few ideas..  I can't seem to accept that I'm not the center of my world anymore.. I mean.. yes.. it's a bit conceited to think of oneself as the center of their own little world.... but I have lost the ambition and drive I once had... to succeed in doing things for myself.. I don't really see a purpose in it.. I suppose at one point I thought I was moving toward something.. but now I see that I am just making it through each day.. and then the next one.. then the next one.. I really don't care how the day turns out..  I mean.. I don't want to be in pain.. or anguish.. or anything like that.. but I don't feel that I will ...

I'm beginning to think that mornings suck now as much as ever... Some mornings I wake up and want to just go back to sleep... I keep thinking that if I don't want something to happen ..out of the ordinary.. that it won't.. but there is still a part of me that fears I might begin to see things in a different fashion.. I am positive that won't happen anytime in the near future... but I have urges to push everyone and everything out of my life.. just so I know for sure it won't happen. Still, I'm certain that I make my self abundantly clear about who I am.. and what I don't want.. I don't mean for it to continue to be negative.. and draw down people around me, but I have to make certain that my motives for talking with people aren't misunderstood.. I feel like I'm beginning to make people see that I am headed for a certain direction... and I am doing that willingly... again.. there is no anger... no frustration... just logic... I am beginning to see...

I can't flitter from one person to the next.. trying to seek happiness.. I told someone... the only way you can find true happiness.. is to find it.. within yourself.. you can't seek it from others.. nor can they give it to you... but what if you're not able to find happiness inside yourself.. is that such a bad thing?  No one is happy all the time.. and there are some of us who are rarely happy... but that doesn't mean we're miserable.. I can't look to anyone to make me happy.. and that's what a lot of people don't seem to understand... you can try to surround yourself with lots of people.. or even with one special person.. but that person isn't going to make you happy.. or sad... you cause this yourself. I think that sometimes the negative feelings are much stronger than the positive feelings.. and maybe our lives get so frustratingly boring that we're more accepting of the negative emotions. Sort of in the same sense that some people cut thems...

It's amazing what goes on in our lives that we don't have a clue about.. and we can never know who is trustworthy... and who is not. Even removed from the sites I hear about such things that make me sad... even for those who might deserve what they get. I have always said.. if you approach me with information that directly affects someone I consider a good friend.. I am going to say something to them... however... those that I no longer.. or have never associated with... it's really none of my business what's going on there.. so I will ask those that contact me.. not to give me any more information, as I really don't care... I am okay with listening to something that directly affects the person telling me.. but as for the rest of it.. it's online.. it's going to be drama.. and anyone can say all they want to.. that they avoid the drama... but if you're online in a group.. or community of people.. you will stay immersed in drama.. There's no possibili...

I got to thinking.. and I have to say.... I don't want anyone to feel obligated to stay in my life... for my part.. I feel no obligation to anyone... I choose how I want to be.. and that's who I am. Those that choose to be a part of my life.. can accept it.. those that don't.. need to do what's best for them. It's not like anyone is an indispensable part of anyone else's life... we sometimes feel better after being in the presence of someone else's company for awhile.. but that person can move out of our lives.. and even though it may cause some sorry... or sadness... we continue to go on... that's the way it is with everyone.. we can't control what is going to happen for the most part...  we just have to deal with ourselves and who we are.. I've been told that I am to negative... that's fine.. I agree with that. I choose to be negative... and I will start out each day... reminding myself of what I've gone through..  If I choose not to le...

If you think about it.. I really have no right to expect anything to be any better today... than yesterday.. or the day before.. we think that we are entitled to something special.. just because we put a bit of effort into something.. but that's not how it works. Our fates are headed in a certain direction.... and whether we choose to accept that.. or fight it.. kicking and screaming all the way.. is our choice.. sometimes two people can get together.. and it seems like it was meant to be.. but in all actuality.. I've found that one can fool oneself.. just because they desire to believe in something... belief in anything.. doesn't necessarily make it so. It's nice to have hopes.. about the future.... it's pleasant when you can have faith in your beliefs.. but no amount of wishing.. hoping... or dreaming will ever change what is.. Most of us go through life with a clouded veil.. choosing only to perceive the things we choose... fantasy and reality are two different t...

I'm back in the classroom.. and even though I'm calm, cool, and collected on the outside, I am as much in turmoil inside as I ever have been.  I am trying to deal with some realizations, but even as I know things are a certain way... it's no easier to digest the reality of life.  I feel like a horrible person sometimes... because I just can't seem to "get it right"...everyone else seems to know what's better for me than I do... and most seem to have more clarity of thought.. It is a general consensus that I let myself get used by people.. for some ulterior motive they have in their head.. and maybe I do... that's  not the point.. the issue is that I allowed myself to fall... to plunge... and take a chance because I chose to believe in something... whether or not that was the brightest thing or not... doesn't matter.. I did it.. it didn't work out.. and I have to learn from that. We as human being have the distinct capabilities from learning whe...

Closure... that's an interesting word... meaning that something is.. closed.. done.. over..  I'm not sure that other than death.. there is much closure.. it's not like I've been ever able to just go.. "click" ....that will never come up again... or I'll never think about that again.. sure.. there are what seems to be finalized episodes of our lives.. but even those events will hold a place in our souls as long as we are alive.. Believe me.. I've thought about.. closure in many events.. but it never really comes.. we can say.. "I'm over it... it's done"  ...all we want.. but just as someone who has passed on and unwillingly leaves us.. still lives in our hearts and minds... so do those who choose to abandon us for whatever purposes are dreamt up in their heads to justify their actions.. I think that sometimes.. it's too painful to keep reminders around of those we know will never be a part of our lives.. and sometimes we unwittingl...

I think that maybe I can work on a new mental attitude.. at least I'm going to try... I feel like I could feel so much better if I worked on something constructive... so I'm going to try to stay focused on my job.. and improving my knowledge in my chosen career.  One thing the last few days have taught me is that I'm getting a bit behind the times in my knowledge of the latest and greatest computer issues.  The new objectives for the A+ have come out.. and there are things on it dealing with mobile devices.. and virtualization... as well as several other topics which I might need to brush up on. I'm not really worried about it.. I just am a little concerned at how I am going to incorporate them into my classroom. I also have this lunatic idea that I want to spend about a half an hour a day.... exercising.. maybe getting my body in better shape.. maybe that will boost my self image a little bit.. because to be perfectly honest... my self-esteem is in the crapper.. comple...