It's Only Words.

So.. I've been pretty cold to some of my friends lately... realization is kicking in and I cannot believe in words anymore... I don't trust words.. I have hurt a few people who consider themselves my friend... but this is how I am.. I'm still here.. I'm still a sounding board for those that won't to unload their thoughts.. but if you're asking me to put my faith in someone that for the most part.. can say anything they want...and I won't know the difference between what is true or not... or will I know all the secrets they choose to hide from me.. I had a discussion a brief time ago about how we are all different in real life.. I suppose I am too.. I almost have to be.. even though I don't see it.... everyone I've ever met is different in real life than they are online.. I'm not talking about casual friends.. that you just meet in a casual situation.. but ..if you get to know someone very deeply online and then take that offline.. the more you get to know them.. the more different they become. I think it's because we all have this idea of ourselves that doesn't actually match up with who we really are... and we can't see it. ...I can't see me being different at all... but I'm not naive enough to believe that I'm the only one not like that. When we are in our online world.. we choose what we want to share.. it's so much easier.. just to display only those qualities.. and it doesn't have to be good qualities... that's why a face to face relationship is so much stronger... it's difficult to hide those feelings or emotions from someone staring you directly in the face. People will develop a much stronger bond offline because they CAN see beyond the words...  even on cam... you can choose to walk out of the shot if you're thinking you might reveal something that you choose not to share. This is the same with friendships as it is with online romances.. A friendship can only grow as strong as the trust there.. and there are a few people I would love to say I trust a lot... but I've been shown that even that isn't always what you think. We all have our own agenda... Even the words I share here... sometimes are directed at certain people ...or certain events.. and even though I try to unload most all of what I am thinking.. there are still things that lose their way between my brain and my fingers.. No one knows that for sure, though.. I have provided no one with a reason to believe who I am.. or that what I say is real. I can assure a person all I want that I am who I say I am.. that I conduct myself offline as I do online.. and it still comes down to the fact that it's just words.. that's all I can produce.. I am only as good as the words I choose to interact with.... and maybe I'm better with my writing.. than I am in reality.. I don't really have a clue what the issue is.. but I do know there is something wrong somewhere with me. I can continue to spew forth all I can think of.. I can TRY to be as forthright as I can about all that I'm thinking and feeling.. but my conclusion is that I must not have been doing such a good job of it.. as when people finally meet me.. they realize that what they've read is not what they've seen.. or if it is.... then they have been living in their own fantasy world of how things could be. I think that I really am not that good of a friend... I don't chase people down and try to worm things out of them... I am the type of person that doesn't dig too deeply.. I let people share with me their thoughts.. as they are more comfortable.. I figure this will determine actually how much they trust me.. and what they think... but... on the flip  side.. I put all of this out here for all my friends to see.. all of what I'm thinking.. and what's going on.. I suppose that they feel it's not enough... or they really just don't care... I look on this blog as trying to be an open book.. trying not to hide things from those I've gotten close to.. anyone who has read through some of my entries can tell that I share a very deep, personal part of who I am here.. I don't like to hide things.. I don't like to pretend I'm something I'm not.. I can say anything I need to here.. and if I were to lie.. I'd only be lying to myself. There is still no reason for anyone to believe anything I post.. if you don't believe in me.. after all .. it's only words.