No One Likes To Hurt.

I can't flitter from one person to the next.. trying to seek happiness.. I told someone... the only way you can find true happiness.. is to find it.. within yourself.. you can't seek it from others.. nor can they give it to you... but what if you're not able to find happiness inside yourself.. is that such a bad thing?  No one is happy all the time.. and there are some of us who are rarely happy... but that doesn't mean we're miserable.. I can't look to anyone to make me happy.. and that's what a lot of people don't seem to understand... you can try to surround yourself with lots of people.. or even with one special person.. but that person isn't going to make you happy.. or sad... you cause this yourself. I think that sometimes the negative feelings are much stronger than the positive feelings.. and maybe our lives get so frustratingly boring that we're more accepting of the negative emotions. Sort of in the same sense that some people cut themselves to feel alive.. sometimes we cut ourselves emotionally to know that we still feel.. I am still just guessing here.. as I really don't have a clue a lot of the time... but it seems to make a lot of sense to me. I know that I am a stubborn person... I realize that everything I believe in.. isn't actually so... I've been shown that all to frequently.. I exist and am fine with my existence.. I don't have to be joyous.. I don't have to shit skittles and rainbows...  I am resilient.. I will make it through today.. tomorrow.. next week.. next month.. etc.. and I will continue to be who I am... I am not trying to criticize anyone who chooses a different path.. I've never went anywhere.. as I've always tried to respond to anyone who contacts me... but I realize that maybe I am not meeting the expectations of some people... I don't know of anyone who has reached out to me.. where I haven't tried to respond.. that doesn't mean that I will live up to any expectations which I feel are beyond my capabilities.. I won't be accessible to anyone all the time.. that's not who I am..  I'm not requiring anything from anyone.... I don't ask for anything.. and I don't need anything... I will be fine just relying on myself...  I  am not at a point where I want to share much ... maybe that's a bit selfish.. but again.. that's who I have to be right now... my main concern is myself.. at some point in the future.. I may decide to let someone in.. very close.. but it's not worth it to me.. I'm not suicidal.. I'm not maniacally depressed.. I'm not even angry... I just choose the most peaceful path for myself at the moment.. and will continue to focus on doing what I need to do.. to keep from feeling the least amount of pain possible.. no one likes to hurt.

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