Happily Ever After

I think maybe I'm invisible or something... I have to hunt down the inspectors to talk about the changes to my program... because they seemed to overlook my Computer Tech class. They've been to all the other trades... who knows.. maybe it's just going through the motions... in 6 days I will have 2 full years with the government... if I can make it one more... I won't lose all the matching contribution to my retirement.. which at this time is over $10,000.  It just seems I have have so much on my mind these days that I don't take much time to think about my past. ...but my past is still there with me.. everyday I see constant reminders... and I'm not even talking about my failed relationships.. I just see reminders of things in my life when I was naive and happy.. I don't know if I'd want to be naive again if I could... part of me just wants to know things. ...and a big part of me is cynical at the prospect of finding things out....because it almost always leads to hurt and pain. I feel like my soul is scarred. It's not anyone's fault but my own... I'm the one who chose my path... Deep down, I knew the possible consequences of my actions.. but I still continued to believe in ideas that don't exist. I've gotten to the point that crying is just a release of pent up frustrations at life in general.. and I do it on a regular basis.. but I now feel there is nothing wrong with crying a bit to let it all out. I remember at one time thinking that if you had to cry.. there was something wrong with you.  There may still be something wrong with me... but I don't attribute it to the crying anymore. We all have our burdens to bear... our past to overcome.... our sins for which we must atone.  I don't think I am any worse off than some of the other people out there... but I might be a bit more selfish.. because I am more concerned about myself.  Actually, I feel it might be a better world if we all would be more concerned about ourselves.. and tried not to do so much finger pointing. Most people seem to want to attribute their problems to someone else... but if we actually look deep inside, we'll find most of our conflict is a direct result of how we live our lives and our problems are consequences of our own actions. I think that most people want to just feel they are important.. a necessary part of someone else's lives.. and that's why people get attached so quickly.. they find someone they have things in common with.. and they choose to dwell on those attributes.. and overlook a majority of the dissimilar traits. I still believe love exists.. I just choose not to give it power in my life.. If you truly love someone.. you will always love them.... no matter what.... I think there are a lot of people in this world that will go their entire lives...knowing there might be someone out there for them.. The problem is.. this world is a cruel place sometimes.. there are too many factors that keep us from enjoying the things we think will bring us joy... we can imagine what we want.. and believe that it will happen for us... some people even become obsessed with the idea of how to become happy... and spend a majority of their life looking for it.. or chasing dreams that will never come to be.  The one thing I know for sure.. is that life is a struggle... we choose what battles we think we can win and try to reach our balance... of at least not being hurt and in pain... but we can't continue to chase rainbows that don't exist.  We must bring our heads out of the clouds at some point in time and live for ourselves... Everyone needs to keep in mind that we strive to make it each day, doing what we can to make it to the next..  and even when a person's life comes to a close.. it doesn't have to end with a happily ever after.