Just For Me.

Some people believe that they know the best course of action to be happy. There are several problems with that ... happiness isn't universal... it doesn't come naturally for the most part... and what makes some people happy might not make someone else happy... and lastly.. some people really don't care to be happy.  You might ask... "what kind of fool wouldn't want to be happy?"  ....I've found that in order to be happy, it seems the universe has this way of evening things out and making sadness in the same degree of the happiness found... I've been extremely happy... and it's led to extreme sadness... I prefer not to let myself get that happy anymore... not saying I won't have a content life... I believe I can.. and actually will... but I think there is something inside my head now that will not allow me to believe in true happiness... which would be unfair for me to inflict on another relationship...  That's the issue that goes on in my mind.. I can have friendships... and those friends can be very close... but I'm thinking that my walls may be too high for anyone to get too close.  I have discussions sometimes about how things are rarely as they seem.. that people aren't who they seem to be.. even when they say they are... I, myself, am certain that I am different in real life.. even though I cannot see it at all.. and I can only base that on my observations of everyone else. What we choose to live with online IS in our mind... and our mind... as a general rule... likes to bring out the best in people. The problem occurs when people actually meet.. and live in the fantasy created in their head... maybe for a length of time.. before deciding that it really is just a fantasy... The only way you can truly know someone is to be open to who they are face to face... putting aside all the preconceived notions that you have developed concerning this person.  Do I believe in online love?... at one time I would have said.. yes.. but it has to grow offline... now.. I can only say.. there can be a certain kind of love.. a love for a fellow human... and what you know about someone... online.. but I personally have put away the notion that a deeper love actually exists... The chi of the universe won't let there be a powerful love... without powerful despair.. or some other negative emotion to counterbalance it.. I'm not certain I would welcome either into my life.. even if it does exist. I am very satisfied with just staying content with my life.. and the balance I seem to have achieved... I'm a bit worried when that balance is affronted with the idea of being tipped in one favor or another... because I know what's out there...  I'm not the only one that's been hurt.. or been in love.. I understand that.. and most people would say.. the love.. is worth the pain... but each of us has our own outlook on life.. and mine.. is just for me..

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