I Have Learned My Lesson All Too Well.

Fear.. is the big motivation for most of us... I am tired of being afraid.. but that doesn't mean I am not being realistic.. I can't put my faith in people for the simple fact that most people have made complete turnarounds from what they say they are.. and feel... just by a simple meeting..  Maybe the meeting wasn't it.. but if not... then it's been a strange coincidence on 3 occasions. I believe that people have the idea of the fantasy they want... and then choose to live that way.. even believing it themselves... they become so wrapped up in their daily activity that they get lost completely in this person they choose to be.  The harsh reality then hits them in the face when they are able to take things into the real world.... and they're not quite totally prepared for it.. It changes their way of thinking about life... "I can't just turn this person ...off ..and then walk away" It causes the ideas inside their heads to bubble to the surface. These thoughts consist of things they have buried deeply and had no intention on confronting. The online world is so intermingled in our everyday life that it seems real...  But no matter how close you get to someone.. how much you talk it out.. it changes once you actually are able to hold.. or touch.. or even interact on a face-to-face level. It's not something that just goes BAM! It just slides into you brain.. and your thoughts.. The thing is.. most people will read this and think... that isn't me.. but take it from experience.. it IS.. to a certain point... I'm not saying that you won't have the ideas and feelings you had before.. but it will be mixed with a dose of reality... and many times this reality is just enough to taint the fantasy you've built up in your mind.. of how you believe things to be. There are a few of us that expect that.. I will even say myself.. that real life.. and online are different.. but that doesn't mean I haven't taken that into account.. I'm no better than everyone else.. but I tend to dig into my feelings deeper than most people seem to.  I know who I am.. and what I want.. but that doesn't mean I am looking for anything more than to live from day to day now... I don't want to hurt those people who have been in my life... but it's almost necessary for me to survive by pushing away the people that have rejected me on an intimate level.. it hurts.. even after time passes.. it still hurts. I know things will never be the same.. and for me.. I lose a level of trust that is almost impossible to regain once I find that a person's whole way of thinking was different than what they were before.. what I was led to believe.. is suddenly ripped away... it's a difficulty thing to bounce back from.. but I'm done.. bouncing.. I will be who I am.. do what I feel to do.. and understand that you cannot put trust in anything online.. at least not complete trust.. I have learned my lesson all too well.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not In My Lifetime.

It's 1:15 am.. I just got back from my niece's wedding.. and it was.. different .. not what I was used to.. but nice all the same..  I only have this to say about the reception... WTF!!! l guess I should give a bit of background information... my spouse wandered off doing her own thing.. as I prefer it that way... so when I happen to come into close proximity of her by accident.. she motions me over.. and has been talking to the head of the catering company... they have been talking for awhile.. and in a short period of time.. they have been getting to know each other a bit..   as I approach.. this woman.. who's name is the same as my spouse.. is saying.. "I just seem to know him.. he looks like John.. somebody"  My spouse then starts with a sales pitch of how great of a guy I am.. and what I do teaching computers.. and this woman starts striking up a conversation with me in front of my spouse.. she even talks about how handsome I am...   she mentions that she i...
Read more

Something I Have Learned Well.

It's odd how we interact with others on so many levels... one would assume by my wide range of references that I have a large assortment of friends.. In all actuality, the people in my circle of friends could be counted on my hands.. and close friends... well..  easily on one hand. I'm not what I would consider a social butterfly... but to be honest.. I sometimes like crowds.. I enjoy having groups of people around me.. I don't stick out like a sore thumb.. and sometimes getting lost in the rest of the world... isn't such a bad thing. How often do you go and "people watch" ....and then think about those people once you're gone... not very often, I'm guessing.. not unless one did something completely out of the ordinary.  I just like having the feeling that I'm normal.. an ordinary person... I just sat here in this chair for most of the weekend.. not really accomplishing anything.. nothing constructive by any means... I feel as though maybe I'm...
Read more

Stay Out Of Things Where I Don't Belong.

I am starting to get used to the hours... I think... who knows.. one day I feel like I was drug out of my bed kicking and screaming... other days I feel like I've been poured full of coffee and energy drinks... I've cut down on my morning coffee by the way... Oh... I didn't blog about that... after first moving here, I started drinking flavored coffee in the mornings... but I've decided I don't want to get dependent on that.... I still have the occasional coffee... but as I've said before... too much of anything is a bad idea... so I cut back.  I also decided to give up something for Lent... I might have blogged about it... but I tried to think of something that would be a sacrifice.. so I gave up masturbation.  I know that's not really in the spirit of Lent... as far as giving up something like that... but hey... I can't think of many other things I enjoy more... especially with my sex life as it is... I sorta don't have the inspiration at this poi...
Read more