We're All Disposable.

Closure... that's an interesting word... meaning that something is.. closed.. done.. over..  I'm not sure that other than death.. there is much closure.. it's not like I've been ever able to just go.. "click" ....that will never come up again... or I'll never think about that again.. sure.. there are what seems to be finalized episodes of our lives.. but even those events will hold a place in our souls as long as we are alive.. Believe me.. I've thought about.. closure in many events.. but it never really comes.. we can say.. "I'm over it... it's done"  ...all we want.. but just as someone who has passed on and unwillingly leaves us.. still lives in our hearts and minds... so do those who choose to abandon us for whatever purposes are dreamt up in their heads to justify their actions.. I think that sometimes.. it's too painful to keep reminders around of those we know will never be a part of our lives.. and sometimes we unwittingly hold on to reminders or momentos... only to be torn apart again on a regular basis.. even still.. sometimes he hold on to that person.. as just a sliver of our life.. in hopes that things might change someday...  I hate the thought that I might be guilty of such actions.. I find it much safer to never let anyone very close... Realizations slowly sink in that we can only believe in ourselves.... but sometimes I feel like a user... I know that I will never have anything substantial in my life... because I won't allow it.. I am strong enough to keep it from happening now.. I am fine with normal social interaction when someone chooses to make me a part of their life.. but I can't let it ever go past that point.. because I am unwilling to go down that road again.... I have not found any reason to subject myself to the kind of pain I feel when a relationship finally ends.. I spend a great deal of focus wanting to make someone a part of my life.. because I figure that is what we both want... and then I crash to the ground.. plummeting to the point when I impact.. I remember so much the reasons why I said I'd never do it again.. and each time.. is all too much of a reminder of how stupid I am when I let my walls down.  I vow never to let my walls crumble..  There are times when I look around and wonder how I arrived where I am... I can think about people... and for the most part.. their all the same... everyone has an agenda... and when I no longer fit into that agenda... I can be cast aside... so.. I suppose I'm disposable.. it's a strange thought... but it appears that analogy is the best I've been able to come up with... Things go great with someone.. as long as they have use for you... then when situations change.. or feelings change.. it's not like there is any reason for them to make an effort to keep you in the situation...I have thought just a very few times.. that I couldn't live without someone.. and then I'm proven wrong..  in a sense.. I suppose we're all disposable..