I Will Continue Dying.

I am dying.. you're dying.. we all start dying once we are born.. if you think about it that way... it is strange how we would spend our lives trying to torment ourselves any more than necessary.  No one knows how long they've got to live.. any one of us could be gone before the day ends... but to dwell on that would be morbid.. It is Friday.. the end of a VERY long week for me.. I spent the last half of my work day with my students in the small community about 45 miles from the center.. we carried out government commodities for the senior center there... the elderly people seem to be somewhat grateful that we are assisting them... even if it is hot.. and we get a bit sweaty. Statistically speaking they're a lot closer to death than the rest of us. I spent about an hour yesterday in my office with a dead ringer for one of my ex's... it was a little bit freaky... same size.. age.. hair style.. voice.. mannerisms.. the only difference is her hair was slightly lighter.. nose was just a tad different.. and she wore glasses... I was a bit unnerved.. and for a bit.. it bothered me that I was so freaked out but.. I realize that I would be thrown just as much off balance if it were anyone else I knew very well also.. I really wanted to take a picture of her.. just to have as proof.. but as she is my boss's boss's boss's boss.. I felt that might be an action worthy of jeopardizing my career. In any case she had nothing bad to say about my program.. and I was able to communicate the ideas I had for my class.. thanks to the carefully prepared notes and other materials I had already gathered.  At the end of my conversation I asked her if she was from a certain area.. which it turned out she was, of course.. and asked how I guessed... I told her that I had a friend from that area.. and the voice was very similar. Anyway.. she's gone today... and shouldn't be back to our center for a year or two... if ever.. Suits me.. the whole experience was a bit strange.

I think we all have ideas of how life should be.. we develop them over the years.. and this belief is constantly changing based on our experiences and the other developments in our world.. I figure that how I thought life was going to turn out and how it actually has become shouldn't really be the same. If it were.. I think I'd be more shocked than happy.  I gave up on happiness ...or rather, I think it gave up on me.. so.. we're even. I know there are more times of stress and heartache.. Life is full of hurt and disappointments.. Keeping that in mind will help me to cope a bit easier. I am not as full of life as I once was.. but I shouldn't be.. Day by day... week by week.. month by month.. my body is slowly decaying.. probably my mind as well.. not in as much as I can tell a difference.. but I know that's the direction I'm headed....as are we all. It seems sad that we spend so much of our life afraid of doing or saying things that we really want to say or do.. I suppose it's because we don't want to encroach on others. ...and most of us have developed that sense of knowing that we can't have certain things in life.. I don't look for great things to happen.. if a few good things occur along the way.. bonus!! ...but for the most part I will continue to be taking in each day.. making it to the next.. and I will continue dying.