I Can Live With That.

I got to thinking about the country song today.. You've got to stand for something... sure.. I may have some screwed up ideas about principles.. but it's ideas that I have to stick to... or I've lost myself. I sometimes make promises that are difficult to keep... or plan on doing things that I don't actually get done... but when I fall short... it has to be about external forces that I cannot control.  Even then, I feel badly when I don't hold to things I have set out to do.. I figure that a person is only as good as their word..  I had said I was leaving last March.. and even with my mom passing... not a day goes by where I feel like I am justified in staying here and living a lie... it puts a greater stress on my whole idea of integrity... even to the point of having a bit of resentment for having to stay here.. I love my daughters very much... don't get me wrong... but there are times when I feel like they'll never know the sacrifices I make for them. I don't even want them to know the full extent actually, but I wish they could understand how difficult it is becoming to walk into this house and be in my own little world most of the time... I really never wanted to hurt anyone by leaving... but I am psyching myself up for January.. when I am moving out... I still don't want to burden my daughters with this.. I want to let them get through their birthdays and Christmas without having to share my unhappiness.

My trip to Nashville was successful yesterday.  I had 5 out of 5 students pass their test... one with a 675.. which is the minimum score for passing.. we went by the farmer's market afterwards... and I ended up buying some really nice hot sauce. It was made with the Ghost Chili pepper and should numb my mouth for quite awhile... I sometimes wish I could numb the rest of me... inside and out.. I wouldn't think about past struggles or pain... and it wouldn't affect me so much now.  But I can't change the past... it's something I have to live with. I only wish I didn't have to hurt ...or be hurt anymore... that's why I cling to my routine life.. but even as badly as I think I have it.. there are people in much worse shape.  a few years ago.. the Carpentry instructor at our center was in a bad motorcycle accident.. and was put on disability after spending quite a bit of time in the hospital.. It seems last weekend his replacement had a motorcycle accident and she is currently in the hospital for a bit. I don't know if she'll be back or not.. but I wish her the best at recovering.  I almost thought a few times that I would enjoy owning a motorcycle... several of my friends have one.. but.. I'm glad I don't.. my uncoordinated ass would wind up all over the pavement. I know that my life isn't all peaches and cream... but at least the anguish I sometimes feel is almost always mental.  ...that I can deal with. I can put myself in my little world and keep myself here until the pain fades.  Time is good at that.  Right now.. I'm actually good.. because I don't hurt... much. Sure, there will always be a dull pain I will carry with me.. I have resigned myself to the fact now that it will never go away... but I can live with that..