This Is What I Believe.

19 years ago... I was in love... or so I thought.. I had went 4 years without any dating... no companionship whatsoever.. because of my girlfriend in college cheating on me.. with one of my best friends... That hit me very hard... as we were together nearly every day for 2 1/2 years... but as I said.. I was in college.. and my grades were suffering due to the amount of time I invested... I had to stay somewhat more focused on schoolwork to keep from flunking out... so I required to be with my girlfriend less time.. it was then that it happened.. It actually was devastating. When I met my spouse.. she was... very pretty... safe.. and she really liked me.. after getting to know her for over a year.. I realized that she would never be unfaithful to me.. she was.. honest.. and I made the headlong plunge into marriage.. I never recommend marriage without sex first.. she was a virgin.. and I won't get into details.. but let's just say.. she never really seemed to catch on very well to accepting sex.. she seemed to enjoy it.. but I think part of her was ashamed of it.. so.. 3 years later.. we have our first child... and things started going downhill.. we started pulling farther and farther apart.. The physical encounters were sparse.. 5 years later.. I figured if we had another one.. maybe it would pull us together.. since she seemed to be devoted to being supermom and spending every hour of the day.. and night.. with my first daughter.. she was sleeping with her as well.. so.. we had our second offspring.. and it didn't help.. as a matter of fact sex all but stopped.. It was at this point where our communication seemed distant.. severely lacking.. and over the next five years.. we had sex.. maybe... 3 times.  But it wasn't only the sex.. when I would come up behind her.. and hug her.. showing affection.. she would push my arms down.. she became.. cold... I always asked her if anything was wrong.. but no.. Don't get me wrong.. this was as much a part of mine as hers.. I should have seen something... but I think by this point I had drifted away in our marriage as much as she did. ...I being stubborn.. refused to walk away... plus I had an obligation to my daughters.. and I did.. and do love them very, very much.

This all got me thinking.. there are people in my life.. that I've been attracted to.. but then I put them in a space in my mind... the same space my mind occupies.. The dreaded ...friend zone.. it's at this point.. that I almost think of these females like sisters.. and something inside me cannot become sexually attracted by them... That might sound strange.. but.... that's the way my mind works.. I can be close with someone... even closer than I am with my spouse.. My spouse was the first one in this zone... I know I'll never have sex with her again.. because it just won't happen.. In any case... I think that I am developing the ability to put pretty much everyone in this zone.. This is how I plan on dealing with all the people who are.. and come into my life. I am already doing it.. it's just now... I realize exactly what I am doing.. I care for several people... and I've received a lot of support from different directions.. but  I have figured out.. the longer I go on like this.. the easier it is becoming.. I've already developed a mindset against sex in general.. my body seems willing to go along.. I figure it won't be a very long time before this all seems perfectly natural for me.. after all for me sex is 75 - 80 percent mental anyway.. once I've lost that desire... there's little to no chance for me faltering... I know there are those out there that say I'm choosing this.. and that it's harmful..   All I can say is yes.. I am choosing it.. but harmful?... there are people who live productive lives that go their entire life without sex.. without being a slave to it.. sure.. they are for mainly religious reasons.. but religion is just your belief... and this is what I believe.