I'm Just Okay

I am in a semi-decent mood today.. not sure why.. maybe it was a decent night's sleep. In any case, I figure because I am feeling so well.. my trip to Nashville today will probably end in chaos.  The evaluation team arrives today.. and leaves on Thursday.. so I am looking to avoid them if possible. I have this trip scheduled for today.. and it just so happens that Thursday is the day my class does community service to help with food commodities.  If I'm lucky, I'll get to avoid them altogether. It isn't that I really am worried about my program... I am just concerned that I will add to the problem once they see how rundown my facilities are... and how lacking in space my trade is. We have several people coming from the home office.. and I just learned yesterday that our home office is in Denver...  There are Regional offices in Milwaukee, Seattle, Atlanta, Philadelphia, Washington DC, and Albuquerque.... not sure where else..
So yesterday.. you would think that I could take my class and get things ready for the inspection... but my supervisor had different ideas. I spent the better part of the day planting mums.. pulling weeds.. trimming roses... and spreading mulch... it actually was invigorating... but tiring since I wasn't used to it.. but there's a little part of me that is gratified at a little physical labor... I mean.. I wouldn't want to do it all the time.. but maybe I should get out and try to get involved a little more in a garden or something.  the only problem with that is that I would end up doing it by myself.. which.. really isn't a bad thing... my daughters and spouse never have helped me in the past.. so it ends up being a responsibility of my own.. and right now.. in my life.. I am not ready for any more responsibilities.. or expectations.. I just want to drift for a bit.. until I am able to cope more easily with the uncertainty of my life and the direction it is currently heading. I choose to be who I am... but sometimes that's obscure on who I want to be.  I guess we are all constantly developing who we are.. and where we are going in life.  ..as for me, I don't even want to deal with much more than all the things that are developing around me without my intervention. I am okay... I tell myself that everyday.. and I'm actually believing it... again.. that doesn't mean I am happy.. it doesn't mean I am sad.. I'm just okay.

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