Trying To Live For Me...

I think that maybe I can work on a new mental attitude.. at least I'm going to try... I feel like I could feel so much better if I worked on something constructive... so I'm going to try to stay focused on my job.. and improving my knowledge in my chosen career.  One thing the last few days have taught me is that I'm getting a bit behind the times in my knowledge of the latest and greatest computer issues.  The new objectives for the A+ have come out.. and there are things on it dealing with mobile devices.. and virtualization... as well as several other topics which I might need to brush up on. I'm not really worried about it.. I just am a little concerned at how I am going to incorporate them into my classroom. I also have this lunatic idea that I want to spend about a half an hour a day.... exercising.. maybe getting my body in better shape.. maybe that will boost my self image a little bit.. because to be perfectly honest... my self-esteem is in the crapper.. completely... I wonder sometimes why people would be so desperate to want me as a friend... I bring very little to the table anymore... I don't know if this is just a phase..or not.. if it is.. I don't have a clue as to how long it will last.... and for the moment.. that's not a concern.. I have always said... I'm not going anywhere.. and I am still accessible for anyone who wishes to contact me... but I am not interested in reaching out to anyone.. I just see all relationships... friendships and more... as somewhat temporary.. people choose who they want in their life.. and there is no reason why they should choose me..  I was told recently... "I am not sure why I still talk to you" ... and I completely get it.. I'm not someone that would really boost a person if they wanted to be optimistic. I like my pessimism.. I sometimes feel like I'm ...goth.. without the black eyeliner and raven hair. I won't take that into my classroom.. as I can slip on the disguise of "computer instructor" ...and do my civic duty to try to prepare people for the real world.. but even that.. is somewhat of a lie.. I don't feel that I'm doing a good enough job at preparing very many... several of my students will never hold a job more than 6 months.. because they are still self-centered.. and are only focused on what is wanted.. and not needed.. I do feel that I still have a good work ethic.. and can focus on that.. I sometimes wonder what it's all about.... but I'm certain we all do that. I am trying to find a balance... of eating.. not necessarily healthy.. but not overeating.. or filling myself with junk food..  I have a position where I am now sedimentary in my job... but I feel like maybe I can spend a few moments a day.. actively exercising..  I just have to get the motivation to do it.. sometimes.. I wonder.. what is the point?... well.. it won't hurt to try this and see if my life feels any better.. I know I did feel pretty good when I was 165 pounds..  I'm now at 191... and holding steady.. I can work on that a bit too.. not that I'm concerned about size.. but I just want to feel better.. I'm tired of feeling like I'm ready to die and get it over with..   ...again.. I'd never do anything to actively participate in my death.. but.. I am getting more and more with the attitude.. "Am I going to go through the motions of living each day until I die?"  I don't need to do that.. and I'm actually coherent enough to realize that. I will reach down.. grab what little nuts I have after being emasculated once again by failed relationships... and focus on trying to live for me..

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