I Am Okay.

So far so good... waiting on my first set of students to get finished with their testing. I have struck up a conversation with the testing administrator.. She seems very informed about the new changes to the A+. She says they use material from a company called GTR.. so I will have to try it out and see how appropriate it is for our training environment. A lot of my time in the next year can be spent in two ways... I can either  sit and wait to see if my job no longer exists... which is completely wasteful.. or I can continue to work on the current program and do my job.. after all.. it IS what I am paid for.  I will start evaluating material for my class for the new testing changes... and try to get it put into place before next Sept.  ...I know that seems like a long time... but I will have to map the material I procure... to the training achievement records for the students....which will also probably change with the test. I look upon a lot of this as a futile waste of effort, but maybe some good will come out of it.. and I will develop more experience evaluating the curriculum for computer training classes.  I get to thinking about my future at times.. and it's a bit disheartening.  I really don't have a clue about anything for future plans.  I don't mean to sound negative all the time.. but anytime I start to think about any kind of future, it seems the speeding truck of fate runs me down again... and I have to collect myself and work on another plan... well.. I'm tired of working on plans... I think that my only plan is to depend on myself to get through the next few weeks... then evaluate things again... only to continue this plan of action...over.. and over again. I have people in my life that I enjoy being there..  but I think there is a part of me now.. that won't ever let go completely. I know I say that.... time and again.. but I can't trust that there will be anything substantial that I haven't made happen for myself.  I need to find the motivation to become more involved in my life.  At the moment.. I have little care about what goes on... I just accept that I don't have much control of anything that occurs... and I refuse to commit myself to expectations that are possibly going to end up the way most other things in my life terminate. I sometimes worry that my negative influences are going to take over my life, but for the most part.. I don't have very many positive things that I know I can trust in. ...When I have in the past.. I have been shown that my trust is misplaced... and I end up hurting.  I won't do it again... even if I say I would... I'd be lying.. my heart... my mind.. neither will let me go to that place...which is perfectly fine.. I've been conditioned by my experiences not to trust in anything that is emotion based. I've had the strongest emotions I've ever felt.. and they were only false dreams.. so all I can do is hang on each day and deal with what comes up. I am okay.