Things Change.

Have you ever noticed that it is impossible to remove yourself completely from the drama. I am fighting  with great difficulty not to know about things from my past... and it seems to seek me out anyway.  I will repeat this here.. I don't want to know about things from a site I chose to leave.  I don't go there anymore for a reason.  There are times when I feel like breaking the few ties I have left so I don't hear any more about how inadequate I am. The relationships that go on there.... are not real.. each interaction is just another in a line of people that will eventually go their own way... I am somewhat of a bastard to those people that have walked away from me.. because I can't deal with the constant reminder of them being around.. showing me how I wasn't as good as the person they are going to next... or the one after.. I always seem to know...or find out things.. even when I go to great lengths not to know.. Well fine.. I already guess what seems to happen. I will go back to the idea that I'm almost always right... even when I don't want to be.  ...this is part of the reason I am certain that a solid relationship will never happen for me.. I can feel however strongly I think I feel.. and it means absolutely nothing. There are events from my past that will forever haunt me.. and I will never be able to get rid of them... because they are permanently embedded in my brain.  I refuse to let myself go down that road again.. because no matter what the fantasy seemed like.. there is always reality.. and the reality is that no one knows anything that is built on circumstances.  People may think they know... wishing to the point that it seems so real... but the facts are that we don't know what events are around the corner to bite us in the ass.  I hear about people who say they are in love... or they have something substantial... but it's only because they have chosen to believe in the fantasy.. and they can ignore all the real things that are pulling them apart. Any relationship IS a struggle.. I know that.. even the people who have been together for decades will have their major ups and downs.. for the most part.. except for a few..  take me and my spouse... there were little ups.. or downs.. it was just... existing together.. only for the sole purpose of getting our daughters to where they are now. Even so, it's not something that might be the best thing for them.  There is no roadmap of life... leading us down the proper path. It is much safer to walk alone.. as many people are discovering.. those people are able to live in their little bubble.. and push anyone out that comes too close..  or perhaps share their bubble for just a little while when they need companionship... but sooner or later.. when the reality hits.. things change.

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