Pay It Forward.

I am trying not to harbor any grudges toward anyone... what is the purpose in that.. other than to annoy and/or upset those people who have chosen to walk away from me. I, myself have said some pretty hurtful things to a wide number of people.  Yes... I'm a passionate person in how I feel.  I had a conversation with someone that told me that maybe I am too... available.. too..attentive.. people see me and want to believe there is something strong in my relationships..  when it's just my ability to show someone attention and to be a doting friend. I suppose I am more available online than anyone else I know.  I don't give people space to actually think about where a relationship is heading.  I feel maybe that I am.. clingy.  I try to take steps to countermand that.. I know in past relationships, I was always there... always reachable.. and I suppose it made it seem like that I was intrusive. I know better than that now.  I was told that I was too dependable.. that I tried to take charge of things.. I suppose this comes from my requirement to handle most things in my life.. and in the life of those around me... and I took it to the online world... I even tend to buy things ...or send money to those people I get close to.. not to buy their affection.. but to do what I can to ease their burden a bit... because I really do care.  I think it's because of this.. that I let myself get taken advantage of.. even though the people on the receiving end aren't responsible for my actions.  I don't think of consequences of my actions when I become the doting friend.. or doting boyfriend... and when I allow myself to be generous in my assistance. I have no excuse for being that way.  When I do it.. I suppose I do expect something in return.. maybe just a bit of gratefulness. ...I don't really even care about that anymore... it's sad to see people in need... and part of who I am... just wants to take away a little of the burden. I don't know how to be any other way. I was a bit vindictive at times concerning things I've been given... even to the point of sending back what I could. I guess I can be cold... it's just part of me.. pushing away... knowing that person will always be permanently implanted in my head and I can't bear the thought of actions that have taken place. I've always said... I'm very selective on who I let close to me... I can't just interact on an intimate level with anyone just because they are there.  I give not only assistance to my close relationships.. I give a part of myself.. that was a mistake...  because sometimes I end up losing that little part of me...and I can never seem to quite get it back. I have reached a point where I will allow myself to share my thoughts.. but I can't seem to share my faith or belief in something stronger.
I play farmville and cafeworld on facebook... I am starting back into World of Warcraft.. and I just joined a new site called pinterest.  It doesn't seem to be that deep of a social site.. and my interaction is limited.. but at least it is something to keep my mind occupied... I am still trying to figure it out.  There is no one-on-one interaction as far as I can tell.. and with Facebook I am still able to remain distant.  I received a wonderful note from one of my former students on Facebook...  I just wanted to thank you. Because of your training I have a great life. "I work for a fortune 250 company and live in an 8000 sq ft mansion in Maine :) I'm still making it on a GED and an A+" ...I enjoyed knowing that there is someone out there.. that is a little better off.. just because of me.. and something I did.  I think that's what I am trying to do when I become the aggressively giving person that I am. ...it's not for my benefit... but in the long run.. it is.. because it makes me feel good about myself.  Sometimes I feel like I have very little self-worth... and maybe I do things like that to give myself a boost.  I think that's why I have the career I have chosen. I don't expect material things in return...  I never have. I only want someone to enjoy what was given to them.   There is still one of my favorite movies of all times.. "Pay It Forward"  ....I would love to live my life on that premise... don't do for me.. in return.. just enjoy anything you have gotten from me.. and when you're able.. Pay it forward.
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