Under my Hat

The start of a long weekend... maybe.. I'm almost certain they'll call me on Monday to do some driving.. if so.. I'll go in.. it's not like I have some major plans anyway.  I was invited to a New Year's Eve party tonight by a guy I work with.. but I won't go... I'm not really in a partying mood lately. I really don't know of much new in my life right now.. my best friend will probably play my game with me.. I keep getting asked by old acquaintances to join guilds.. but I really want to keep my social interaction to a minimum.. it leads to hurt feelings.. and I really don't need any more of those in my life at the moment. I have a tendency not to worry anymore about how I throw things out there.. I really don't take into account the consequences of my words.  But sometimes it's not aimed at anyone in particular.. I don't actually mean to hurt anyone.. but if my words bother you.. then deal with it.. I won't change who I am.  I'm th...

I get to leave 3 hours early today.. woohoo.. that means I have more time to come home and sit in my room.. yay!!!  ...it's called sarcasm.. there is a lot of that in me.. maybe that's why I don't have many friends.. I don't ask people to come into my life... but I welcome those that choose to.. I still have a problem with being a good friend.. because at this point.. I'm a bit selfish.. I have been doing for others for so long.. that I finally want a bit of my time.. If I don't contact someone.. it's not because I don't care about them.. it's because I figure they have better things to do than be bothered by me.. I sometimes feel like I'm a burden on the world. Yeah... it's the self-pity party starting up again.. I just feel hammered sometimes from all directions.. I feel like people expect something from me.. and I don't know what I have in me to give... I find it difficult sometimes just to go to work.. do what's expected there.. a...

I had my eye doctor visit yesterday.. and everything was just what it was a year ago.. he said the spasms were probably more of a nerve issue than anything else.  so.. all is ok there... When I was growing up.. my parents had a formal living room.. that we were supposed to stay out of.. it was all nicely decorated.. with everything neat.. and proper.. this was where we entertained our guests... there was also a guest bedroom that stayed all fluffed up and ready for company..  then there was our family room.. where we actually did our living.. and we weren't supposed to bring anyone back there.. there were a few books piled around.. there was an assortment of hodgepodge piles containing things we used most often.. the real "us" ... this is the same as online.. we are a certain way.. we let our formal side show when we interact with people online.. how often do you get close enough to someone to be invited into their "family room" ...to get to see the "real...

So.. I got to sleep in this morning.. yeah.. right.. I don't seem to be able to let myself do that very often.. but I did sleep about 90 minutes later than I usually do.. which is something. I will be going to the eye doc today.. regular checkup.. but I have noticed a muscle spasm in my left eye.. about 5 - 7 times a day now.. where I used to have them maybe every couple of months.. I am certain it is stress related. I haven't done much lately online.. except my game.. I choose to stay immersed in it quite a bit.. I'm even playing by myself some now.. I've had multiple offers from old "friends" to run through instances.. but I'm not going to get that started.. I just seek to quest.. and work on different things.. no "end game" activities..  I have decided that social interaction.. just left online.. is poison anyway.. it is a major cause of pain in my life.. when I don't need anymore pain.. I have enough of that with my failing marriage.. my ...

Mornings... uggghhh.... I know I've expressed my distain for mornings in an earlier post.. but this sentiment is worth repeating.. I got to sleep in until 9 am yesterday... I can't remember sleeping that late for years...  well.. today I'm paying for it.. my body is like... "screw you... you can't wake me up this early now"  ...in any case.. I am really feeling the sleepiness today... we'll see how it goes.  I continue to play my game.. I continue to blog.. I continue to take things day by day... I took some time yesterday to wonder about some of my acquainances I had made on the sites.. and wondered how they were faring... I still think that most people are institutionalized to those sites... and if they don't break free.. they are as addicted as one is to any drug.. and emotionally.. I think it's far more devastating... I choose to not interact... and not even open the forums where I can read... or place.. posts.. This has become my only written...

We sat last night... at the first Christmas dinner I ever went to.. that was subway sandwiches and pizza.. and it was ok.. because I got to be with my mom... I don't want to just change my routine.. and be with her all the time.. that would freak her out.. and make her more nervous about her chances.. she knows I am here for her.. but she's looking very rough now.. in lots of pain.. they haven't even started chemo yet.. but after talking to my sister... she says she's hopeful.. but I can tell.. it's not very good.. I honestly don't think my mother will be around in 6 months.. just something I know.. this time.. I would love to be wrong. I went to get gasoline.. my sister's stepson-in-law owns a station.. I just was going to pay at the pump and be gone for 15 minutes.. Dad catches me.. and says... it's already dark.. you need someone to go with you.. and gets into the car.. he doesn't say much on the way there.. except drill me about the same things h...

I have been thinking about things a lot during the last few days... well.. I think about things all the time.. but I think the reason everything bothers me so much.. is that I thought she wanted something real.. and when I offered that to her.. she ran from it... and if what she tells me is true.. she only wants to be superficial.. like everyone else... and only wants something to suppliment what she has with her husband. It is hard for me to think in those terms...  I can't live and give myself so strongly...without expecting a future... she's not the person I thought she was... and I guess I'm more upset with myself for falling in love with her.. than anything else. ...if I had known that she was only interested in "site fun"... I would have stopped myself before I fell. I sort of felt deceived... but life goes on.. I woke up this morning and started blogging.. then was pulled to the family room.. where the kids spent quite awhile opening all their gifts. I do...

So... it's Christmas eve... and I thought I would be working.. but evidently I'm not.. I was surprised to see two other people show up.. I think the manager of our residential area has some screws loose.. but that's another story entirely.  I sometimes get these "feelings".. of what I think is going to happen.. I even scare myself sometimes at how accurate they were... I had this "sympathy pain" in my stomach the other night.. and said that I thought my friend was going to get sick... the next day... her daughter got really sick.. and I made reference to my "premonition" saying that it was evidently her daughter that I was thinking about... then last night.. my friend got the sickest she's been in years... I know someday someone is going to slap me silly for "being right" ...it's my most irritating attribute. We are meeting tomorrow afternoon for my parent's Christmas dinner.. I am afraid that it will be our last one with...

I think sometimes.. we have revelations in our life.. I think sometimes we are sitting at a crossroad spinning our wheels.. and we choose to leave ourselves in neutral.. gunning the engine.. making a lot of noise.. and complaining that we can't go either way... sometimes.. I think we should either "piss or get off the pot" I have maintained that I don't believe in relationships.... beyond friendship.. I have no idea what might happen next.. but I need to actually be a friend.. I think that as long as ANY relationship.. even friendship.. is  kept online.. there's always that part inside you that feels like you could just be turned off.. any minute.. and they could walk away.  I've seen it happen to too many people.. I've seen lovers.. and FRIENDS.. just walk out of people's lives.. not caring.. and I don't want that to happen to me.. I need to establish more of a bond.. than the electronic form of communication.  Do any of you realize what it is.. j...

Have you ever seen an accident happening.. an impending crash as it's happening.. but you are just too powerless to stop it.. I feel like that's my life now.. I feel like I'm headed for another crash... I am letting people into my life... and part of me enjoys the friendship.. but another part of me will not let go of what's happened to me before.  I enjoy chatting.. I am glad that people feel that I am trustworthy enough to share what's going on with them... but I know deep down.. that I am not capable of completely trusting anyone at the moment. ...I don't know if I ever will.. part of me feels "pushed" ...into trying to heal.. but I'm not healed.. I'm just ignoring the wound at the moment.. the bleeding hasn't stopped yet.. I still feel empty.. and although I try to be "normal" ...inside my head is this constant struggle.. I trusted someone with everything I am.. and I just KNEW it was ok... that she would never betray that tru...

I don't know how I can say it more clearly... I'm not capable of being a good friend to anyone... because I just don't have the compassion needed to appear to care... it was sucked out of me with my last relationship.. she left me hollow.. and if you choose to be my friend.. all you will hear from me.. is the truth. I hurt my friend today.. again... by telling her the truth about someone.. and even though she already suspected.. she's learning to have my outlook on people... almost everyone will use you to their own end... telling you what they think you want to hear... sometimes.. it's because they don't want to hurt you.. sometimes it's because they are trying to get something from you.. sometimes.. it's just a game to them.. sometimes.. in any case.. a lie is still a lie.. I have no time for people like that in my life.. because I have dealt with those people for most of my last 3 years... I have no qualms about telling them to get out of my life eith...

It's strange... but I feel like taking my bath.. then sliding back into bed this morning... I don't have anything I want to do today.. I just feel "blah"... I thought that I was going to be in a decent mood at some point.. but it's this time of the morning... when I awake.. and feel so alone.. that I seem to get more "moody" ...I suppose that's why most of my blog entries have a "moody" feel to them.. since I almost always blog at this time of day.  I am listening to my bath water run... the hum of the heating unit.. other than that.. it's so peaceful...  I'm not so certain I like it THIS peaceful... but I know it won't be long before my wife's nephew and his family will be here.. including a 4 month old baby... it won't be so peaceful then.  I sometimes give myself too much credit.. for thinking that I can adjust to any situation... I always have in the past... but it's difficult sometimes thinking about never wakin...

It's highly likely that I may die from overindulgence in mexican food.... we have a restaurant that specializes in mexican cuisine that just opened up about 45 minutes from me... (which is closer than most things) ... and it has the most awesome mexican food... my daughters actually were willing to give it a try... we went to eat after I got off from work last night... my daughters ordered a cheeseburger.. which was overcooked.. and they didn't eat it.. and a grill cheese.. slightly too brown for my daughter's taste.  but.. they pigged out on fries and even ate a taco.. once the lettuce and tomato were out of it. My daughters are the pickiest eaters on the planet.. but at least they found something that wasn't "McD's".   ...we'll just have to gradually get them interested in other foods.. I was supposed to have a full day of training today.. but like most things... it's changing.. we'll have a short meeting.. then ..who knows..  I haven't...

Monday morning.. the start of a new day.. and the start of a new week. Do you ever wonder at the beginning of the week.. just what the week has in store for you?  Lately I have been dreading even waking up each day.. and for the next two weeks.. without the students present.. and no overtime.. I sort of dread having to deal with life here at home.  I am going to continue to hang out where I live.. in my room... knowing that my spouse will do her thing.. and I'll do mine... as usual. I wish she could find someone special.. someone that she can communicate with and that will treat her properly.. someone that loves her as a woman.. and not as a sister-figure. She is inviting her nephew to live with us for a week or so.. he moved up from Louisiana.. and doesn't have a job yet.  I don't care if they are here or not.. as long as I don't have to leave my "dungeon".  Sometimes I feel like the old troll that is locked away in the dungeon of a castle.. I never get out.....

It's been a somewhat hectic week.. but seems to have calmed down quite a bit... We got all the students home for winter break.. I'm done with overtime for a bit.. but I'll still be reconstructing my program and doing required training... I have been working with my characters on World of Warcraft.. that's been using up quite a bit of my time.. so.. I still sit here day after day.. waiting for nothing now.. just existing.  ...well that's not true.. I'm waiting for life to pass.  I need a vacation.. and not with the spouse... she's been her usual non communicative self... today is her birthday.  I wished her a happy birthday.. and even gave her a hug.. first one in many months.. I am certain she has made plans for the day.. and I'm happy for her.. I hope she has a nice day.  It is cold and rainy here.. sorta like my mood.. I'm just in a cold and rainy mood.. I don't know why... I just am.  I was almost thinking about not blogging this morning, but ...

Today is the Christmas dinner for my family.. and for my spouse's family.. She's taking my daughters to her side.. I'm not going anywhere.. I am not interested in spending any time with relatives that have had no time for me..  I'll sit here all day and play my game.. It's what I do now...  I really need to get away though.  I am going to take a little time at the beginning of the year.. and escape.. I have been thinking about it for awhile now.. I just have to follow through with it.  Otherwise I'm going to have to start seeking psychiatric help.. my eye twitching hasn't improved.. so I my body is evidently telling me that I need to be away from the pressure. We'll see if it improves.. I have a tendency to try to reassure people that what I am saying is understood.. It's one of my faults... I guess that's the instructor part of me.. Most people find it as annoying as hell.. I literally have two voices.. my regular voice is somewhat deep.. then ...

I think we all just want to be loved.. but we want to feel like we're the only one that person cares about.  That is sometimes the problem.  Too many people get caught up in the butterfly feeling of exploring a new love.. and when that wears off.. they seek it elsewhere.  I was never one to trust anyone who was capable of "putting me on hold" ..even for an hour or two.. just to talk with someone else. ...In respect to friendship, I am much more tolerant of someone telling me they're busy.. because I am not the main focus of their attention... I actually expect it.  I would be irritated if they didn't put me on hold.. for their guy... family... or even work.  ...and I hope they would be able to tell me... because once someone lies to me.. especially now.. I have very little tolerance for them... I already have trust issues.. so I am not going to keep people in my life that I feel I can't trust at least somewhat... I was driving students home yesterday.. and we...

Over 400 hits on my blog..  not counting the 3 weeks I had my counter down.. and as I can only account for about 100 of them from people I've told... the word must have leaked out to various people on the site, as my blog is not searchable by the public.. or reachable unless you have the address. It was meant to be a place where I could put my deepest thoughts.. and share an intimate portion of myself with my friends.. so for any of the rest of you that have decided to make my most intimate thoughts a part of your reading list, I hope that you are entertained.  ...and even though I ask you not to take it upon yourself to spread my deepest thoughts for entertainment value.. I am certain that plea may fall on deaf ears.  After all.. most of my readers are members of a site where drama and cheating abound.  I'm sorry if you take that personally.. but it is what it is.  I've been guilty of the same thing. No matter how much I try to deny it.. I am a cheate...

Things are settling... I believe that I am getting used to my way of life... I can deal with things and look to try to not be so negative about stuff... after all... all I am doing is perpetuating the lies I've been fed. ...so I still have the same outlook.. but will try to concentrate on the few positive aspects of my life... I have a great friend or two that support me.. no matter what.. and I appreciate that. I think it is the duty of a true friend to tell you the truth.. whether or not you want to hear it.  Too many times in this world we have those people that go along with what we say... just so they don't make us upset with them.  Yeah.. my friends aren't always supportive in the way I want them to be.. but nevertheless.. I appreciate their honesty.. and feel that by telling me things I might not want to hear.. they are even more supportive.  I am glad to find out that I'm not the illogical one.. even if my way of looking at things is a bit self-destructive. Mayb...

So... I wake up this morning and my home internet is down... so I will be blogging from my phone until it is back up... Am I happy?  Of course not... anyone who has read any of my posts can see that... but I don't have a choice in that.. all I'm trying to do is keep myself from being put in a situation where I can be completely destroyed..  I want her to move on.. it will happen sooner or later anyway.. and it will not be with me. My friend... that professes to love me.. she needs more than I will ever be willing to provide.  Do I trust her?  I trust her more than anyone else.. but even still... I know she needs more than me. I see it all the time. I don't ... and won't lay any claim to a future with her as more than friends... as I will be that way with anyone.  I guess I believed in the "fairy tale" kind of love... the kind that exists without expectation of a return... it just IS... I believed in true love as never ending... I will always love my daughters...

To respond to the comments from Saturday's post.. If someone gives up their child.. they are doing it because they gave up faith in their ability to provide... I guess I was a hopeless romantic who always believed if the love is strong enough... something would always come along to help things to work out. ...I could never give up a child.. no matter how hard things were... I would believe in my ability to fight and find something to work it out. ... as far as my friend is concerned.. I do care about her.. but not completely.. I don't have that ability anymore... there is a part of my soul that has been ripped away.. and my friends will just have to deal with who I am now. If all this hadn't happened.. yeah.. I would still be the hopeless romantic.. and I would probably see what existed betweeen her and myself.. but I see things for what they really are now.. and I've given up.. it's as simple as that. I choose not to allow myself to be in a situation anymore where ...

We all have desires.. things we wish for.. some things are things that we are missing.. some are just things that would be nice to have...  many times we will trick ourselves into justifying a means to get those things.. even if it goes against what our beliefs are.  I think that it makes it easier to lie to ourselves about things so we can move on.. so that we can feel better about our actions.. but it doesn't make it any better.. to anyone else.. so then we try to convence those we have hurt to believe in the lies we tell ourselves.. and if we can do that.. then all is better.. at least in our minds.. and that's really what counts.  but I can't believe anything different than what I know in my heart.  It doesn't matter who tries to tell me what.. I've always been a person to follow my heart.. and in the end that wins out... now.. what's left of my heart is telling me to believe in what I know to be true.. that people are generally out to do what they can justi...

4:30 on a Sunday morning.. and I'm up... I fell asleep last night at a decent hour... because I wasn't chatting... or playing WoW... or even blogging.. I just decided to go to sleep..  I am coming to some more revelations.. I have two friends mad at me now.. because of the way I am pushing one of them away...  I have blogged.. and blogged and blogged about how I feel... and about how no one is getting what I'm saying in my blog... and how people think I'm wrong and will change my feelings... and it does no good... so I was willing to walk away from a friendship yesterday.. because I know that sooner or later... it will end in hurt if it is more than friendship... so.. it's back to square one.. I don't have the strength or desire to make her hate me... and I really don't want to do anything too much out of character... but I won't allow myself to start to slip in my beliefs.. I did that.. I gave everything.. without question... and fell hard.. too hard to...

I woke up this morning.. sooo rested... at least compared to last night.. I was so tired... my spouse said I left my car door wide open... I've never done that before... I am sorta surprised I made it home.. I was up for a bit afterwards.. but I pushed myself to stay awake.. I even played my game for a bit... but I don't remember a lot of last night after I left work.. I patrolled the bays outside while the campus had their Christmas party.. it was cold.. I was alone.. sort of a metaphor for my life.. I stayed at my post.. because it was what I was supposed to do... I didn't even get any of the Christmas dinner... my spouse didn't bring my daughters to the party.. so.. there was no reason for me to be there.. I think everyone there had a nice time.. and I'm not really into the "happy" scene at the moment..  My mom called me this morning.. they are going to visit for a little while today... they're going to drop off Christmas presents... I think it'...

Trust 1 a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth or someone or something    b: one in which confidence is placed 2 a: dependence on something future or contingent: HOPE there's more.. but it talks about legal trusts etc. That is from the dictionary.  So.. in thinking that trust means having a dependence on something future.. I don't have any trust.. because I don't have a lot of hope left.. for the first definition.. assured reliance.. hmmmm.... I have varying degrees of that.. but to completely trust anyone.. would definitely not be something I can do... I gave up trusting a little over 3 months ago.. when I was shown that my hope for a future... was contingent on someone else's idea on what was best for me... or her... I have little say so in my life.. I've said that many times.. but I always have a choice.. we all do.  Her choice was to walk away.. from anything she felt from me.. my choice was to try to keep her.. but eve...

These early mornings are beginning to suck.. well.. they've always sucked... but now I'm sorta feeling them.. I worked late last night.. and back online again today... I probably will end up working late tonight too.. I continue to get messages.. I checked.. but I just sort of let them all slide.. I think I am gonna just back off the site I just joined.. yeah.. I know.. do this.. don't do this.. do that.. don't do that.. I seem to keep changing my mind.. it's not that I am changing my mind.. I just don't know what I want... I do know what I don't want... I don't want someone that I think will abandon me when she gets tired of me.. the problem is.. I really have a problem trusting that now.. I don't want someone who needs something else.. because I'm not enough. I don't want someone who can't trust in what we have... I don't want someone who doesn't feel like they can trust.. or depend on me for what they need... I don't want s...

Holy heckfire, batman... I'm a member for a short period of time.. and I start getting so many propositions that I am definitely certain I may have made the wrong choice in starting back... I have 157 messages so far... but over 150 of them are from people just wanting to get together... and fuck.. no.. I'm not about that... I only know of one person that has been completely decent so far.. and will continue to chat with her unless things change along that perspective..but I've come to the conclusion that 99 percent of the online social community just wants to find someone to fuck... of course everyone has their set of standards... and some are more coy about it than others... more calculating.. some will lie to themselves.. and even some are so shy they will not be able to quite go that final step and take it more than online.. at least with the people I am getting contacted by, they are completely honest about what they want... even if I don't agree with that.  I thin...

Well.. I've done it again.. I did something completely moronic... on top of staying over... I've volunteered to start going in early.. so.. this blog will be somewhat short... as I have to leave in about 5 mintues.. I've been up for 45 minutes now... and got everything ready to go out the door.. I will say this though.. if I stay this busy.. I'll either kill myself or totally occupy my time to the point I don't think about much of anything anymore... either way.. I'm probably better off... I am trying to open up my social life some.. friendwise that is.. I am working to  make other acquaintances... I won't call them friends yet.. because I only consider a friend  someone that is worthy... I am sort of picky like that in case anyone reading this hasn't guessed it.  I am sort of wondering if I am making the best choices in my life... or going through the same motions over and over... I actually created accounts at other places.. but not anything very reput...

My visit went well.. my mom is very nervous about things.. but that's understandable.. they took a gall stone about twice the size of a golf ball out of her... the doctor said it's the biggest he's seen in 30 years...  now she has inflammation and has to take phenegrin to be able to eat anything... and anti-inflammatory... I told her that all she has to do is call me if she needs me.. and I'll be there.. but I can't do anything besides that.. I worked more on my game yesterday after I came back.. played it with a friend... was asked yesterday morning by an old acquaintance to join her guild.. I politely refused.. I'm just not the social guy I was once.  I wake up now.. and it seems like the day is just a dream.. waiting until I get to lie back down... trudging through the day... just to make it to the next.. I suppose I could get used to that... it's not like I really have the strength to do anything different.. that's all gone out of me now... I do fee...

I left the sites for a purpose.. it's because I feel like they are corruptive... and there are too many reminders there of the hurt I feel...  so when someone insists on giving me information about what they are doing on the site... I don't really care to know... in fact, that's why I went to bed early tonight... I got a bit frustrated with my game... but more than that... I've made it perfectly clear that I don't care about the sites and would rather not discuss them.. still evidently I haven't made myself clear... which got me to thinking.. for someone who is supposed to be my friend... not much I write or say actually sinks in... it's like I throw all my thoughts and feelings down here.. and someone can just pick through them.. and select a few things to believe.. and the rest... well.. is completely ignored... I don't know how much clearer to put things.. maybe I am a poor communicator.. but I was pretty sure that I am blunt.. straightforward... and ...

I'm hurting a friend.. on purpose... like I knew I would.. but it's because she wouldn't pay attention to what I was blogging.. that she thought the words I put here.. were just words..  and that I didn't mean what I posted.. I'm sorry that she is hurt.. but the words I post are exactly how I feel.. no matter how bluntly I put things.. no matter how callous the words are... everything I post is what I feel.. even when I go back and support what I've said.. everything thinks that this is just a phase in my life... but I won't let it be a phase... this is who I am now... The person that cared deeply is gone.. I can care... but only so much... yes.. people are different.. but I'm not going to find out how different... I talked awhile back of having a "friend zone"... I've maintained that once a person is put in my friend zone.. they never come out... well.. I've locked myself in my friend zone.. for good... anyone that comes into my life w...

Given a chance to do things over... that question was posed once to me.. and most of the time.. I feel that doing things over could lead to worse circumstances if I changed anything.. in the place I am now.. I know things could possibly get worse.. but yes.. I'd do things over.. I'd completely steer clear of the sites... knowing what I do now... I know there is some good that came from it.. but the bad by far outweighs the good.. I still wake up each day the same.. hurting.. and I know that I always will.. it doesn't matter what people tell me.. that I will get over it.. that I will move on... that I will find something better.. I really won't get over it.. I'll just adjust to the pain I feel.. right now.. with everything going on in my life.. it's very difficult to adjust... but I'll do it.. because that's my only viable alternative... I won't move on.. but I won't go back to what I had either.. that's impossible.. she made sure to burn the ...