In the moment.

I think sometimes.. we have revelations in our life.. I think sometimes we are sitting at a crossroad spinning our wheels.. and we choose to leave ourselves in neutral.. gunning the engine.. making a lot of noise.. and complaining that we can't go either way... sometimes.. I think we should either "piss or get off the pot" I have maintained that I don't believe in relationships.... beyond friendship.. I have no idea what might happen next.. but I need to actually be a friend.. I think that as long as ANY relationship.. even friendship.. is  kept online.. there's always that part inside you that feels like you could just be turned off.. any minute.. and they could walk away.  I've seen it happen to too many people.. I've seen lovers.. and FRIENDS.. just walk out of people's lives.. not caring.. and I don't want that to happen to me.. I need to establish more of a bond.. than the electronic form of communication.  Do any of you realize what it is.. just to get a REAL HUG.. not the little hug icon.. but to know that someone will be there.. to be able to look in someone's eyes.. and be able to tell they will always be there.. Thinking back.. about some of my last relationships.. I've actually met two people online.. but we met for more than friendship.. I allowed my judgement to be clouded by emotions... even though I could see stress in both of their eyes.. maybe that stress was concern that they knew someday they would walk away.. maybe they were just living in the moment.. I do believe in living that way.. but I think that certain expectations are generated when you hold someone close.. and tell them that you will always be there for them.. I think that real friendships.. not cyber friendships.. need to be made.. before anything lasting will ever occur. The online stuff.. no matter how you look at it.. isn't personal.. I thought it was.. and I still would like to believe it is.. but for some reason.. no one else shares my opinion..that's why I can't completely trust an online relationship.. I've been hurt by too many people who just walked out of my life.. I can really only think of one person whose life I walked out of.. and I really feel badly about that... especially since I allowed someone to manipulate my feelings.. She did nothing wrong.. and I lost a decent friend by telling her to go away.. Strange that I think about that.. but I think a lot about my past.. not wanting to make the same mistakes I've made before.. trying to look at things in a fair manner.  I want to be a friend.. to anyone that will have me as a friend.. but that friendship.. will only be on the level that will work between myself and that other person.. I do care about people.. no matter how much I say I don't.. everyone who has read much of my blog.. should be able to see the struggle I have within myself about how afraid I am to be close to anyone now.. I don't know what I'm capable of.. I sometimes feel that cynical side come out.. that remembers how I felt about things.. and how my world was crumbled.. all that I believed in.. was a lie.. I don't think it was a malicious lie.. just something that was "in the moment"