Put it behind me.

We sat last night... at the first Christmas dinner I ever went to.. that was subway sandwiches and pizza.. and it was ok.. because I got to be with my mom... I don't want to just change my routine.. and be with her all the time.. that would freak her out.. and make her more nervous about her chances.. she knows I am here for her.. but she's looking very rough now.. in lots of pain.. they haven't even started chemo yet.. but after talking to my sister... she says she's hopeful.. but I can tell.. it's not very good.. I honestly don't think my mother will be around in 6 months.. just something I know.. this time.. I would love to be wrong. I went to get gasoline.. my sister's stepson-in-law owns a station.. I just was going to pay at the pump and be gone for 15 minutes.. Dad catches me.. and says... it's already dark.. you need someone to go with you.. and gets into the car.. he doesn't say much on the way there.. except drill me about the same things he's already asked several times.. "you working next week" ... "are you going to work any overtime"  "have you changed the oil" ...etc.. I just answer his questions.. going through the motions.. get out.. pump my gas.. and come back..   later.. my spouse tells me.. that my sisters are planning a shopping trip today.. 40 miles away..and asked my mom if she wanted to go.. she said no.. to which they asked her not to say anything to dad about it.. I suppose he hounds them too.. it makes me feel better to know that he thinks we are ALL incompetent.. and not just me.. I know he is going to spaz out when he finds out I am going away for a long weekend.. yes.. I will tell him.. I'm not keeping anything from him anymore.. I am just certain he will try calling several times.. to which I will just have to turn off my phone.. I'm going to change my message "Hi.. due to an abundance of unwanted calls.. I have my phone turned off right now.. if you need something, please leave a message and I will call you back when I turn it back on"
I am sometimes wish I could do that with my life.. just turn everything off.. and get back to it.. when I feel better.. I think I sorta do that with my game playing... I talked to a friend last night. I saw him at the Christmas party.. I've known him 23 years now.. and I told him about my marriage.. he's now a preacher.. and I started hearing this sermon on divorce.. he had a few points.. but for the most part.. I disagree with him.. and told him so... he didn't seem to flinch when I expressed that I thought he was mistaken.. but... I've grown more "spiritual" and less religious.. I feel hypocritical going into church.. pretending to be the "happy family" ...and knowing that my marriage is already over. Anyway.. we talked for awhile.. remembered some old times.. and then we left.. it was a nice visit to the past.. but it's gone too.. I see him once every few years.. he has his life.. and I have mine.. and they don't coincide.
We all seem to do that.. we make friends that help us through a certain period.. and then they leave.. the thing is.. I've only left one of my friends.. and for reasons I don't believe exist.  I just had the thought.. I'm going to say... I'm sorry.. to that one person.. and tell her I was wrong in casting her aside because of differences in opinion.. not that I want a friendship back with her.. but if I truly believe what I keep talking about.. I just need to say that.. maybe it will make her feel a bit better.. maybe I'll get cussed out.. I don't know.. but in any case... I need to say it.. I don't plan on contacting her after that.. but at least it's something. I need to mend my past... and put it behind me.

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