It's all about perception.

Have you ever seen an accident happening.. an impending crash as it's happening.. but you are just too powerless to stop it.. I feel like that's my life now.. I feel like I'm headed for another crash... I am letting people into my life... and part of me enjoys the friendship.. but another part of me will not let go of what's happened to me before.  I enjoy chatting.. I am glad that people feel that I am trustworthy enough to share what's going on with them... but I know deep down.. that I am not capable of completely trusting anyone at the moment. ...I don't know if I ever will.. part of me feels "pushed" ...into trying to heal.. but I'm not healed.. I'm just ignoring the wound at the moment.. the bleeding hasn't stopped yet.. I still feel empty.. and although I try to be "normal" ...inside my head is this constant struggle.. I trusted someone with everything I am.. and I just KNEW it was ok... that she would never betray that trust.. I knew it as well as I knew I was going to wake up each morning.. as well as if I walked across the floor.. I'd reach the other side.. but guess what... my definitions of reality were completely screwed up.. Everything I thought was real.. was just my perception..  so.. now I don't believe completely in anything being real. I only see my perception of things.. and I know that can be wrong. I wouldn't swear to you that I'm looking at a computer monitor now.. I can swear to you that I am certain I am looking at one.. but again.. my whole sense of reality is warped.  That's what I'm trying to convey to people.  Am I crazy?   possibly... but I think life is about dealing with our perceptions..  I'm not willing to trust those perceptions with all that I am.. There are many things that are beyond our control. It's bad enough now.. that I wouldn't say with all certainty that anything will or won't happen... I used to be so logical.. but evidently logic is flawed when emotion is involved.. you can throw any perceptions about what is supposed to happen.. right out the window... I refuse to say anything about my future.. because I've been shown that the future can change in an instant.. our lives get completely rearranged in the blink of an eye. I can't count on anything to be true.. or real.. and that's my perception.. I know that other people feel things may or may not happen.. and they perceive things to be real.. but that's just their perception... I can say without a doubt.. that I plan on never hurting anyone again.. does that mean I won't hurt someone.. no.. things happen that are beyond our control. ...and then we wonder what we did.. to get to that point.. I percieved that I was loved.. as much as I loved... but I found out that was just a temporary perception.. perhaps on both our parts... but.. it felt real to me.. so real.. that it destroyed a lot of who I am when I found out it wasn't what I thought. We can live in the moment.. we can deal with our preceptions..  we can even plan for a future... but we have to remember.. that nothing is concrete.. and any future we see happening.. may.. or may not happen.. I don't trust the future.. I don't trust the past.. I have enough difficulty trying to live in the present.  I know that people read this sometimes.. and think... what drugs are you taking?  ...I still have never imbibed in drugs for recreational purposes... I re-read all 125 entries in my blog.. there is a progression.. I see an evolution of someone that was idealistic.. become a cynic.. and that's who I am now.. I can't help that.. it's all about perception.

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