Forgettable..
Mornings... uggghhh.... I know I've expressed my distain for mornings in an earlier post.. but this sentiment is worth repeating.. I got to sleep in until 9 am yesterday... I can't remember sleeping that late for years... well.. today I'm paying for it.. my body is like... "screw you... you can't wake me up this early now" ...in any case.. I am really feeling the sleepiness today... we'll see how it goes.
I continue to play my game.. I continue to blog.. I continue to take things day by day... I took some time yesterday to wonder about some of my acquainances I had made on the sites.. and wondered how they were faring... I still think that most people are institutionalized to those sites... and if they don't break free.. they are as addicted as one is to any drug.. and emotionally.. I think it's far more devastating... I choose to not interact... and not even open the forums where I can read... or place.. posts.. This has become my only written avenue to which I can put down my thoughts.. and I take advantage of that.. I can put anything I want here.. and I invite anyone else to post any of their thoughts which may.. or may not be relevant... The thing is.. I know most of the people who come here.. even if there are a few that have spread the message of my site.. I'm ok with that now.. I don't mind... because I have nothing to hide.... unlike so many people who put on a certain tough face.. or uncaring face.. or whatever it takes to get them through the day... here when you read my posts.. it's exactly what I'm feeling.. it's exactly who I am... I may not make sense much of the time.. but it doesn't matter.. it makes sense to me.. and it makes much more sense than.. "what underware are you wearing today" ... or "would you have sex with the person above you" ....most people.. in certain situations would have sex with almost anyone... that's the sad part.. there's a difference in "having sex" and "making love" ...I don't want to "have sex" ever again... I think that I've been too accustomed to feeling what that is like.. even though I cared about the last 2 people that I had sex with.. I still feel that deep down.. they were only "having sex" ...and I fell for it.. because I wanted to believe something.. because I wanted to think they actually cared... the problem with that.. is you really never know.. who actually cares.. and who is just really good at manipulating the situation. The past is past.. it never should have happened.. but I can only look on it now as a learning experience. I do now know what I'm not looking for.. I'm not looking for temporary.. no matter how much she thinks it is... I worry about that though.. how do I know something isn't temporary.. I can't know that.. but unfortunately.. I think most everything is temporary now... I still refuse to believe in a permanent love.. I can wrap my mind around the idea of a permanent friendship.. and caring about someone forever.. I care about several people.. and I will ...forever.. and there are varying degrees of caring... my daughters.. I will always care about.. my spouse.. my family.. and there are even friends that I will always care about.. but life has chosen to put roadblocks in my path.. to keep things from being what I once believed in.. Life has shown me that no matter how much you care.. it doesn't keep people from going away.. I've been told so many times... "I'm not going anywhere" ...I can't believe it anymore.. and it's not anything that person has done to me.. it's just ... if I throw 100 golf balls straight up in the air.. there's a slight chance that I won't get hit with any of them.. but if I've done it 30 times.. and every time.. I get popped in the head by one... I'm going to get the idea that it will happen every time.. it's as simple as that... it's difficult to throw up another bucket of golf balls.. it's difficult to believe that any relationship is permanent.. I tried yesterday to get forgiveness from an old friend.. for walking away.. and for some reason.. I believe that I should have just left it alone.. she didn't even remember my name.. it was like a knife in my gut.. thinking you know someone for over a year.. and then suddenly they didn't even know you... I suppose I didn't give it very much.. and it may have been my fault for that.. but when it comes down to it.. maybe I read more into friendships than I thought.. maybe I am that forgettable...
I continue to play my game.. I continue to blog.. I continue to take things day by day... I took some time yesterday to wonder about some of my acquainances I had made on the sites.. and wondered how they were faring... I still think that most people are institutionalized to those sites... and if they don't break free.. they are as addicted as one is to any drug.. and emotionally.. I think it's far more devastating... I choose to not interact... and not even open the forums where I can read... or place.. posts.. This has become my only written avenue to which I can put down my thoughts.. and I take advantage of that.. I can put anything I want here.. and I invite anyone else to post any of their thoughts which may.. or may not be relevant... The thing is.. I know most of the people who come here.. even if there are a few that have spread the message of my site.. I'm ok with that now.. I don't mind... because I have nothing to hide.... unlike so many people who put on a certain tough face.. or uncaring face.. or whatever it takes to get them through the day... here when you read my posts.. it's exactly what I'm feeling.. it's exactly who I am... I may not make sense much of the time.. but it doesn't matter.. it makes sense to me.. and it makes much more sense than.. "what underware are you wearing today" ... or "would you have sex with the person above you" ....most people.. in certain situations would have sex with almost anyone... that's the sad part.. there's a difference in "having sex" and "making love" ...I don't want to "have sex" ever again... I think that I've been too accustomed to feeling what that is like.. even though I cared about the last 2 people that I had sex with.. I still feel that deep down.. they were only "having sex" ...and I fell for it.. because I wanted to believe something.. because I wanted to think they actually cared... the problem with that.. is you really never know.. who actually cares.. and who is just really good at manipulating the situation. The past is past.. it never should have happened.. but I can only look on it now as a learning experience. I do now know what I'm not looking for.. I'm not looking for temporary.. no matter how much she thinks it is... I worry about that though.. how do I know something isn't temporary.. I can't know that.. but unfortunately.. I think most everything is temporary now... I still refuse to believe in a permanent love.. I can wrap my mind around the idea of a permanent friendship.. and caring about someone forever.. I care about several people.. and I will ...forever.. and there are varying degrees of caring... my daughters.. I will always care about.. my spouse.. my family.. and there are even friends that I will always care about.. but life has chosen to put roadblocks in my path.. to keep things from being what I once believed in.. Life has shown me that no matter how much you care.. it doesn't keep people from going away.. I've been told so many times... "I'm not going anywhere" ...I can't believe it anymore.. and it's not anything that person has done to me.. it's just ... if I throw 100 golf balls straight up in the air.. there's a slight chance that I won't get hit with any of them.. but if I've done it 30 times.. and every time.. I get popped in the head by one... I'm going to get the idea that it will happen every time.. it's as simple as that... it's difficult to throw up another bucket of golf balls.. it's difficult to believe that any relationship is permanent.. I tried yesterday to get forgiveness from an old friend.. for walking away.. and for some reason.. I believe that I should have just left it alone.. she didn't even remember my name.. it was like a knife in my gut.. thinking you know someone for over a year.. and then suddenly they didn't even know you... I suppose I didn't give it very much.. and it may have been my fault for that.. but when it comes down to it.. maybe I read more into friendships than I thought.. maybe I am that forgettable...
You know that's not true and anyone with a lick of sense would realize that having you as a friend is like having a precious gift. Maybe the sites have made people jaded and they can't see you for who you really are. Regardless, you are definately not forgettable.
ReplyDeleteNope...not forgettable! So knock that thought right out of your head :) :) :)
ReplyDelete