It's called friendship.
Today is the Christmas dinner for my family.. and for my spouse's family.. She's taking my daughters to her side.. I'm not going anywhere.. I am not interested in spending any time with relatives that have had no time for me.. I'll sit here all day and play my game.. It's what I do now... I really need to get away though. I am going to take a little time at the beginning of the year.. and escape.. I have been thinking about it for awhile now.. I just have to follow through with it. Otherwise I'm going to have to start seeking psychiatric help.. my eye twitching hasn't improved.. so I my body is evidently telling me that I need to be away from the pressure. We'll see if it improves..
I have a tendency to try to reassure people that what I am saying is understood.. It's one of my faults... I guess that's the instructor part of me.. Most people find it as annoying as hell.. I literally have two voices.. my regular voice is somewhat deep.. then my "instructor voice" tends to be a bit higher.. not really that high.. but also more quickly paced... I think that in most cases that miscommunication is what leads to most arguements. I don't like to argue.. it just wastes energy and usually accomplishes nothing other than getting on each other's nerves. I think that almost anything can be discussed calmly and rationally.. unfortunately, it's difficult to do that sometimes. I always try to step back and evaluate if I get aggitated and try to evaluate the circumstances. I wish most people would do that.. I know I've said things taken out of context before.. and mixed with my blunt nature.. that tends to be a recipie for disaster. I just tell things like they are.. most everyone knows that by now.. if a person doesn't want to deal with it.. then I hope they enjoy life without me.. because I'm not changing that aspect of myself. Just to clarify a few things... I did not call my new friend a player.. nor did I say that I wanted anything more than friendship.. I think that most people have the capability of being good... or doing good.. but we tend to let our pessimism control us sometimes. I know I do.. but I can't change.. being online as long as I have.. and seeing all the lying.. to friends and lovers.. the cheating.. on spouses.. and lovers.. backstabbing.. for what?? what's the point? My outlook on things hasn't changed.. my attitudes remain as pessimistic as ever about everything.. I just choose to try to not dwell on them as I have in the past few months. Some people call that healing.. I think I'm pretty much about as healed as I'm going to.... I still have my open hole... but it's not bleeding.. I don't cry every day like I used to I have adjusted to my hole being there.. I am actually blind in my right eye.. most people don't know it by looking.. does that mean with time.. I'll be able to see out of that eye? no.. I will never see from it.. but I learned to adjust to living without it. Sometimes we just don't draw attention to our pains.. or our lost parts... but that doesn't mean we'll ever get them back. I still have as many reservations as I've ever had about relationships.. but I had gotten to the point where my friends were tired of hearing it.. and I was sorta tired of saying it.. things are the way they are.. and that's all they can be. I will continue to live each day.. as I have.. making it to the next. I will play my game.. and I will enjoy the moments of contentment that I can get. I have a few people that support me.. and I will try to support them as well.. it's called friendship.
I have a tendency to try to reassure people that what I am saying is understood.. It's one of my faults... I guess that's the instructor part of me.. Most people find it as annoying as hell.. I literally have two voices.. my regular voice is somewhat deep.. then my "instructor voice" tends to be a bit higher.. not really that high.. but also more quickly paced... I think that in most cases that miscommunication is what leads to most arguements. I don't like to argue.. it just wastes energy and usually accomplishes nothing other than getting on each other's nerves. I think that almost anything can be discussed calmly and rationally.. unfortunately, it's difficult to do that sometimes. I always try to step back and evaluate if I get aggitated and try to evaluate the circumstances. I wish most people would do that.. I know I've said things taken out of context before.. and mixed with my blunt nature.. that tends to be a recipie for disaster. I just tell things like they are.. most everyone knows that by now.. if a person doesn't want to deal with it.. then I hope they enjoy life without me.. because I'm not changing that aspect of myself. Just to clarify a few things... I did not call my new friend a player.. nor did I say that I wanted anything more than friendship.. I think that most people have the capability of being good... or doing good.. but we tend to let our pessimism control us sometimes. I know I do.. but I can't change.. being online as long as I have.. and seeing all the lying.. to friends and lovers.. the cheating.. on spouses.. and lovers.. backstabbing.. for what?? what's the point? My outlook on things hasn't changed.. my attitudes remain as pessimistic as ever about everything.. I just choose to try to not dwell on them as I have in the past few months. Some people call that healing.. I think I'm pretty much about as healed as I'm going to.... I still have my open hole... but it's not bleeding.. I don't cry every day like I used to I have adjusted to my hole being there.. I am actually blind in my right eye.. most people don't know it by looking.. does that mean with time.. I'll be able to see out of that eye? no.. I will never see from it.. but I learned to adjust to living without it. Sometimes we just don't draw attention to our pains.. or our lost parts... but that doesn't mean we'll ever get them back. I still have as many reservations as I've ever had about relationships.. but I had gotten to the point where my friends were tired of hearing it.. and I was sorta tired of saying it.. things are the way they are.. and that's all they can be. I will continue to live each day.. as I have.. making it to the next. I will play my game.. and I will enjoy the moments of contentment that I can get. I have a few people that support me.. and I will try to support them as well.. it's called friendship.
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