A long time.

I don't know how I can say it more clearly... I'm not capable of being a good friend to anyone... because I just don't have the compassion needed to appear to care... it was sucked out of me with my last relationship.. she left me hollow.. and if you choose to be my friend.. all you will hear from me.. is the truth. I hurt my friend today.. again... by telling her the truth about someone.. and even though she already suspected.. she's learning to have my outlook on people... almost everyone will use you to their own end... telling you what they think you want to hear... sometimes.. it's because they don't want to hurt you.. sometimes it's because they are trying to get something from you.. sometimes.. it's just a game to them.. sometimes.. in any case.. a lie is still a lie.. I have no time for people like that in my life.. because I have dealt with those people for most of my last 3 years... I have no qualms about telling them to get out of my life either.. I am not a strong person.. if I break down.. and let someone close... I will literally end up getting destroyed... I'm not a completely mentally stable person... by reading my blogs.. anyone should have picked up on that by now... I don't ever plan on letting myself heal.. my wounds get opened back up regularly by reminders.. from things from my past that I did.. from things people do to one another.. the online world is full of lies and deceit.. almost everyone feels that they can be someone else.. online.. and it's ok.. well.. it's not.. the lies.. and pain they cause.. will always come back to them... and then they wonder what they did to deserve it.. I think that all of us are just looking for intimacy in our lives.. I've said that before..and I'll say it again.. I'm not talking about physical intimacy.. although some are looking for that too.. Most people go their whole lives.. and only develop one or two very close.. intimate friends... but we can surround ourselves with people that we can trust to varying degrees... I, myself.. doubt very seriously that I will ever completely trust anyone ..ever again.. I have been shown that type of trust.. leaves you too open.. to vunerable.. and at this juncture of my life... I cannot withstand another blow to my soul... I am in a weakened state.. will I ever come out of it.. will I ever be stronger???   I have no idea.. but the way I feel now.. it will be a long time.

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