We'll see..

I have been thinking about things a lot during the last few days... well.. I think about things all the time.. but I think the reason everything bothers me so much.. is that I thought she wanted something real.. and when I offered that to her.. she ran from it... and if what she tells me is true.. she only wants to be superficial.. like everyone else... and only wants something to suppliment what she has with her husband. It is hard for me to think in those terms...  I can't live and give myself so strongly...without expecting a future... she's not the person I thought she was... and I guess I'm more upset with myself for falling in love with her.. than anything else. ...if I had known that she was only interested in "site fun"... I would have stopped myself before I fell. I sort of felt deceived... but life goes on..

I woke up this morning and started blogging.. then was pulled to the family room.. where the kids spent quite awhile opening all their gifts. I don't think they slept enough last night.. because they are crashing.. after while, we are supposed to head to my parents house... we are having pizza and subs.. because my mother is too sick to do any cooking.. and she was be hurt to have people cooking for her on Christmas.. and her not being able to be involved... I almost bought a wide screen tv for her yesterday.. but I called my spouse for her opinion.. and she sort of confirmed what I was thinking.. if I spent that much.. they would not be able to enjoy Christmas.. because we got them much more than they did us.. I'd rather give than receive anyway.. I bought some things for my spouse.. I hope she enjoys them.. she said my Christmas present was a trip for me.. right after Christmas.. so I am going out of town the first week in January... I really have needed the time away anyway.. and my spouse knows I feel better ...just getting away for awhile. At least she knows me that well. 

I am not certain how things will go in my life.. everything is up in the air... I still wait for the opportunity to get out of here.. I'm off from work today.. tomorrow.. and Wednesday..  I have an eye appointment on Wednesday.. I still have frequent muscle spasms in my eye.. I am going to see if they have anything to say about that.. I know it's stress related.. my body has tried shutting down on me several times in response to my mental state.. at least in the last few months.. I am dealing much better now though.. I am resolving things in my mind... clearing out things that never actually were.. and never should have been. I hope to continue my self-revelations.. and be able to get through a whole day without tearing up.. my game ... my friends.. help distract me.. I feel like I do have someone who cares about me..  I am still afraid of hurting her.. or myself.. I don't know if I will be able to overcome that or not.. we'll see..

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