I'll blog about it.
My visit went well.. my mom is very nervous about things.. but that's understandable.. they took a gall stone about twice the size of a golf ball out of her... the doctor said it's the biggest he's seen in 30 years... now she has inflammation and has to take phenegrin to be able to eat anything... and anti-inflammatory... I told her that all she has to do is call me if she needs me.. and I'll be there.. but I can't do anything besides that..
I worked more on my game yesterday after I came back.. played it with a friend... was asked yesterday morning by an old acquaintance to join her guild.. I politely refused.. I'm just not the social guy I was once. I wake up now.. and it seems like the day is just a dream.. waiting until I get to lie back down... trudging through the day... just to make it to the next.. I suppose I could get used to that... it's not like I really have the strength to do anything different.. that's all gone out of me now... I do feel somewhat better about my friendship.. I think she truly understands what I've been trying to say all along... finally.. I hope that she is able to find what she is looking for.. in someone who will treat her right... that's what she deserves...
I guess anyone reading this can tell I'm not much into blogging this morning.. maybe I just need to get the right motivation to get started on my "morning rant" ...in any case... I did get an email early this morning from someone unexpected... I will choose to leave that person as a part of my past.. and will not return the contact. That person stepped out of my life quite awhile back.. and if someone has no interest in me or how I am doing until the chips get down... I will choose to remove that person from my life completely. I think it's true what they say about time.. healing all wounds.. but I have realized that I am as stubborn as anyone I've ever met.. and won't give in to letting my guard down.. I used to think I have huge walls built around me... but I realize that I am now a part of those walls.. and anyone who tries pushing down my walls will push me away as well.. I will continue as I am.. for as long as I exist..
I told my friend that she shouldn't have to make a disclaimer on her blog.. that it doesn't matter if people assume that I am a person she inferrs to.. anyone that knows me should know if something pertains to me or not.. just by what I've written here... if they don't ... screw them.. let them think what they want... I am still the same as I was yesterday.. and the day before.. and will be the same tomorrow.. next week.. at least in my values.. my outlook on life will probably become more and more tainted as I continue to witness the hurt and pain caused by people... I was engaged in a brief conversation last night... where the site was brought up.. and I found out where someone who really trusts the one they are with.. is in for another huge letdown.. and it goes to support what I've said all along.. no one at the sites can be trusted.. that's why I'm not there anymore.. I know if I were there long enough.. it's possible it could corrupt me as well.. the way I've seen it corrupt several I trusted before... the way it eventually corrupts everyone. I won't become the type of person that you find there... I think those there now are institutionalized.. addicted.. and I've broken my addiction.. as with any addiction, it's always there ...taunting you.. but I refuse to give into it. I'll keep my game as my addiction.. it's much safer.. My friend doesn't see it.. and I'm certain.. that sooner or later.. she'll end up just like the rest of them.. given enough time. Making excuses to stay there.. even though it's causing problems.. just like a drug.. It is the drug of choice for many people in unhappy marriages.. you can tell that by the number of people that go there..
I am not really looking forward to the holidays coming up.. things will probably go much differently than normal.. what with my mom being sick.. my grandmother up and down.. I'm sort of surprised she's hung on this long... I don't know how much longer she has but I hope the remaining days ease up on her a bit.. she'll be 95 on the 18th.. I sat at my mother's house yesterday.. and well.. I guess I looked as much like a zombie as ever.. I couldn't say a whole lot.. I didn't want to break down in front of her.. There's just too much pressure in my life at the moment.. and I sometimes fight to keep control of myself.. I would never do anything violent.. that's not in my nature.. but there are so many times during the day that I want to just lie down.. and sleep... I have done that a bit more often lately.. just walk away from things and sleep.. as much as I have a good friend to support me.. I'll never open up completely to anyone anymore... I know this.. I accept it.. I will continue to internalize quite a bit.. either by thinking things through.. or ... in the case where it gets difficult.. If something is bothering me.. and I really need to get it out... I'll blog about it.
I worked more on my game yesterday after I came back.. played it with a friend... was asked yesterday morning by an old acquaintance to join her guild.. I politely refused.. I'm just not the social guy I was once. I wake up now.. and it seems like the day is just a dream.. waiting until I get to lie back down... trudging through the day... just to make it to the next.. I suppose I could get used to that... it's not like I really have the strength to do anything different.. that's all gone out of me now... I do feel somewhat better about my friendship.. I think she truly understands what I've been trying to say all along... finally.. I hope that she is able to find what she is looking for.. in someone who will treat her right... that's what she deserves...
I guess anyone reading this can tell I'm not much into blogging this morning.. maybe I just need to get the right motivation to get started on my "morning rant" ...in any case... I did get an email early this morning from someone unexpected... I will choose to leave that person as a part of my past.. and will not return the contact. That person stepped out of my life quite awhile back.. and if someone has no interest in me or how I am doing until the chips get down... I will choose to remove that person from my life completely. I think it's true what they say about time.. healing all wounds.. but I have realized that I am as stubborn as anyone I've ever met.. and won't give in to letting my guard down.. I used to think I have huge walls built around me... but I realize that I am now a part of those walls.. and anyone who tries pushing down my walls will push me away as well.. I will continue as I am.. for as long as I exist..
I told my friend that she shouldn't have to make a disclaimer on her blog.. that it doesn't matter if people assume that I am a person she inferrs to.. anyone that knows me should know if something pertains to me or not.. just by what I've written here... if they don't ... screw them.. let them think what they want... I am still the same as I was yesterday.. and the day before.. and will be the same tomorrow.. next week.. at least in my values.. my outlook on life will probably become more and more tainted as I continue to witness the hurt and pain caused by people... I was engaged in a brief conversation last night... where the site was brought up.. and I found out where someone who really trusts the one they are with.. is in for another huge letdown.. and it goes to support what I've said all along.. no one at the sites can be trusted.. that's why I'm not there anymore.. I know if I were there long enough.. it's possible it could corrupt me as well.. the way I've seen it corrupt several I trusted before... the way it eventually corrupts everyone. I won't become the type of person that you find there... I think those there now are institutionalized.. addicted.. and I've broken my addiction.. as with any addiction, it's always there ...taunting you.. but I refuse to give into it. I'll keep my game as my addiction.. it's much safer.. My friend doesn't see it.. and I'm certain.. that sooner or later.. she'll end up just like the rest of them.. given enough time. Making excuses to stay there.. even though it's causing problems.. just like a drug.. It is the drug of choice for many people in unhappy marriages.. you can tell that by the number of people that go there..
I am not really looking forward to the holidays coming up.. things will probably go much differently than normal.. what with my mom being sick.. my grandmother up and down.. I'm sort of surprised she's hung on this long... I don't know how much longer she has but I hope the remaining days ease up on her a bit.. she'll be 95 on the 18th.. I sat at my mother's house yesterday.. and well.. I guess I looked as much like a zombie as ever.. I couldn't say a whole lot.. I didn't want to break down in front of her.. There's just too much pressure in my life at the moment.. and I sometimes fight to keep control of myself.. I would never do anything violent.. that's not in my nature.. but there are so many times during the day that I want to just lie down.. and sleep... I have done that a bit more often lately.. just walk away from things and sleep.. as much as I have a good friend to support me.. I'll never open up completely to anyone anymore... I know this.. I accept it.. I will continue to internalize quite a bit.. either by thinking things through.. or ... in the case where it gets difficult.. If something is bothering me.. and I really need to get it out... I'll blog about it.
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