swimming in shit.
I think we all just want to be loved.. but we want to feel like we're the only one that person cares about. That is sometimes the problem. Too many people get caught up in the butterfly feeling of exploring a new love.. and when that wears off.. they seek it elsewhere. I was never one to trust anyone who was capable of "putting me on hold" ..even for an hour or two.. just to talk with someone else. ...In respect to friendship, I am much more tolerant of someone telling me they're busy.. because I am not the main focus of their attention... I actually expect it. I would be irritated if they didn't put me on hold.. for their guy... family... or even work. ...and I hope they would be able to tell me... because once someone lies to me.. especially now.. I have very little tolerance for them... I already have trust issues.. so I am not going to keep people in my life that I feel I can't trust at least somewhat...
I was driving students home yesterday.. and went through a small town... there was a long trailer truck trying to make a sharp turn from one street to the next.. and had evidently gotten himself stuck.. by the time I got there..the traffic was congested... they had opened up a one way road to allow people to bypass the next intersection.. but I still wonder about the truck.. is it still stuck.. how will they get it out.. it looked pretty wedged in to me.. I suppose life is like that.. we try to make manuevers that we feel we can get through.. and don't worry about the consequences... then we get stuck.. and have to deal with our mess. I had started going to a previous site that I once attended.. actually correspond on a friendship level with one person there.. that's it.. out of all the crap I recieved.. one person I deemed worthy of actually possibly being a decent friend.. because that's all I'm looking for.. friendship.. I made sure she knew it too.. because my instinct tells me that it's very possible that she could be a player like most of the other people I ran into.. if I find that out... I will lose respect for her.. and won't be able to trust her as a friend.. I actually have some degree of trust for two people in my life.. no one else has shown me anything that makes me feel they have earned my trust. Even with those two people.. my trust isn't complete.. I don't think I'm quite capable of that anymore.. I don't like living that way.. but things are the way they are. One of those.. my best friend.. and I were talking... and discussing how we first met.. she was appauled to hear that one of the most mistrustful people we both know was actually the cause of us meeting in the first place. I stopped corresponding to that person over a year ago..... again.. because of not being able to trust her. Am I being unfair.. with too high expectations... maybe.. but my expectations for people have always been high.. unfortunately.. I'm almost always disappointed. It doesn't matter.. if a person wants to be any part of my life.. they need to understand that I don't surround myself with crap... I have too much of that thrown in my direction anyway.. and wade through it everyday.. actually I have my boat.. and am still rowing.. through a river of crap.. there have been some leaks along the way.. but I have plugged most of those up.. and tossed overboard the things weighing my boat down.. If you want to be a part of my life.. you don't have to row with me.. but don't overturn my boat.. I don't like swimming in shit.
I was driving students home yesterday.. and went through a small town... there was a long trailer truck trying to make a sharp turn from one street to the next.. and had evidently gotten himself stuck.. by the time I got there..the traffic was congested... they had opened up a one way road to allow people to bypass the next intersection.. but I still wonder about the truck.. is it still stuck.. how will they get it out.. it looked pretty wedged in to me.. I suppose life is like that.. we try to make manuevers that we feel we can get through.. and don't worry about the consequences... then we get stuck.. and have to deal with our mess. I had started going to a previous site that I once attended.. actually correspond on a friendship level with one person there.. that's it.. out of all the crap I recieved.. one person I deemed worthy of actually possibly being a decent friend.. because that's all I'm looking for.. friendship.. I made sure she knew it too.. because my instinct tells me that it's very possible that she could be a player like most of the other people I ran into.. if I find that out... I will lose respect for her.. and won't be able to trust her as a friend.. I actually have some degree of trust for two people in my life.. no one else has shown me anything that makes me feel they have earned my trust. Even with those two people.. my trust isn't complete.. I don't think I'm quite capable of that anymore.. I don't like living that way.. but things are the way they are. One of those.. my best friend.. and I were talking... and discussing how we first met.. she was appauled to hear that one of the most mistrustful people we both know was actually the cause of us meeting in the first place. I stopped corresponding to that person over a year ago..... again.. because of not being able to trust her. Am I being unfair.. with too high expectations... maybe.. but my expectations for people have always been high.. unfortunately.. I'm almost always disappointed. It doesn't matter.. if a person wants to be any part of my life.. they need to understand that I don't surround myself with crap... I have too much of that thrown in my direction anyway.. and wade through it everyday.. actually I have my boat.. and am still rowing.. through a river of crap.. there have been some leaks along the way.. but I have plugged most of those up.. and tossed overboard the things weighing my boat down.. If you want to be a part of my life.. you don't have to row with me.. but don't overturn my boat.. I don't like swimming in shit.
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