I accept that.

It's strange... but I feel like taking my bath.. then sliding back into bed this morning... I don't have anything I want to do today.. I just feel "blah"... I thought that I was going to be in a decent mood at some point.. but it's this time of the morning... when I awake.. and feel so alone.. that I seem to get more "moody" ...I suppose that's why most of my blog entries have a "moody" feel to them.. since I almost always blog at this time of day.  I am listening to my bath water run... the hum of the heating unit.. other than that.. it's so peaceful...  I'm not so certain I like it THIS peaceful... but I know it won't be long before my wife's nephew and his family will be here.. including a 4 month old baby... it won't be so peaceful then.  I sometimes give myself too much credit.. for thinking that I can adjust to any situation... I always have in the past... but it's difficult sometimes thinking about never waking up each morning to someone you care about.. I choose to be the way I am... and evidently that's too much for some people... my attitudes still go on.. unscathed.. I will never have the type of life where I can depend on someone to do things for me... I've always been the "do-er"  I am the one to get things done.. I've always had to initate anything if I wanted it done... and I'm getting old and tired.. quickly.. I don't want to do anything anymore... I just want to give up.. and get sent to a nursing home.. and not have to worry about anything... not be a burden on anyone... I see that as how I will end up sooner or later.. I've gotten used to the idea.. I just don't trust anyone enough to let them run my life.. I find it difficult to accept help from people.. because I always feel indebted to them.. I know that I have seemed ok for the past week or so... but it's just a phase.. it will pass.. and I will be back to my old, fathless-in-life self.  I still keep myself occupied in my game.. with my best friend... I haven't heard from any of my other so-called "friends" in a few days... I don't mind.. I never was one to try to force people to stay in my life... I put my blog out here.. for anyone that might care how I'm doing.. but it's fairly evident that no one.. or maybe must one person.. actually gives a rat's ass on what is happening with me.. I do get some visitors from my ex-girlfriend's friends... they log on.. just to see what new drama is unfolding.. then go on their merry way.  I'll never hear anything from them.. which is ok... I don't mind anyone contacting me... I don't mind any comments on my blog.. I just continue to exist as who I am.. not giving much thought to future events.. but knowing that I will plan on being alone... I accept that.

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